Aunty Leeann misses you too, Zebedee xx

(Leeann is Mummy's Sister-in-Law)

Well little man, I read your mummy’s Facebook message yesterday morning and thought ‘I’m not very good at writing things down’ but as it was for you (and mummy and daddy) I was going to give it a go. I’ve been playing over your story in my mind and what you being an angel means to mean so I thought it would be best to start from the beginning so here goes!

I remember when your mummy told me and your Uncle Bobe that she was pregnant with you. We were both excited but also scared for your mummy and daddy. She didn’t want us to tell anyone until she got past her first milestone, she didn’t want to take any chances and we understood this. They had been through so much hurt and loss before with the miscarriages that I hoped and prayed that this would be their time, their time to be happy, be a family. I knew that this journey was going to be hard for your mummy and daddy but knew they would fight down any obstacle that got in their way to have you with them, part of their family and they did Haydon!

Well you started to make yourself noticed by your mummy’s bump getting bigger and bigger and I started to believe that this was it, things were going to plan and we were getting an extra little person in our family. I’m sure your mummy’s bump was bigger every time I seen her, I joked that she had swallowed a beach ball at one point which then changed to a yoga ball just before you made your entrance into this world!

As you were getting bigger and mummy couldn’t hide that she was having a baby she told your cousins, Lewis and Lauren about you! They were both excited about their Aunty Nenen and Uncle Jimmy having a baby. Lewis wanted you to be a little boy so he wasn’t outnumbered by girls!

Your mummy used to tell me about how you where behaving in her tummy and you reminded me of Lewis. I was adamant you were a little boy!

Then came the news that you may be born with Downs Syndrome! That didn’t change anything because regardless you where loved and where wanted. You had the best mummy and daddy you could have asked for and they would be right by your side fighting anything that came their way.

So things progressed from there and I married Uncle Bobe, you were at our wedding, in your mummy’s tummy but you were still there and when I look back over our pictures of that day I am glad you where!

I remember sitting with your mummy, Lewis and Lauren looking through a baby name book, your mummy and daddy already had ideas for names but we had fun looking at some of the silly names that people might call their children. There were some really silly ones in this book we all laughed and laughed. I found the name Zebedee, I decided that would be your new nickname as everyone in your immediate family had one for you. Lewis and Lauren called you Very Ravi Olli

Eventually mummy had to go in to hospital, her health wasn’t too good! She was scared, your daddy was scared. You were too early to be born yet! You still needed more time to grow, even just a few more weeks! Mummy and daddy spent their first wedding anniversary together in the hospital. We took mummy some animal biscuits because these are her favourites when we went to visit to try and cheer her up a little. The doctors’ decided that they had no choice but to delivery you. It was a scary wait for news! The news came that you were here, a little baby boy!

We were over the moon that you were here but scared for your health but you had fought this far and I believed you would continue to fight, I thought for the next few days or few weeks until you were better to come home and never imagined you would have to fight for your whole life.

Me and Uncle Bobe came to visit you on Boxing Day, you where gorgeous! Prefect little bundle of joy. I visited again with Uncle Bobe when you were in the Neo Natal and what a difference I seen in you in the few weeks. Your mummy left us to watch you for a bit and one of us was allowed to have a cuddle, you were still too small to be handled by too many people. I let Uncle Bobe have the first cuddle as there would be plenty time for me.

You finally got strong enough to come home! We brought Lewis and Lauren to visit you. They fell in love with you straight away and were so excited to meet you; Lauren never left your side just watching you! I wanted a cuddle but you were sleeping and I don’t believe in lifting a sleeping baby, you were home so there was plenty time! How wrong I was!!

You got sick and were taken to the Sick Kids Hospital, I prayed you would be ok but you were so small but you fought and fought. I felt so sad for your mummy and daddy having to watch you feeling so helpless but they were there with you every day. We came to visit your mummy and daddy at the hospital a few times over your 6 weeks here even though we couldn’t see you but to give your mummy and daddy a break even if it was only for half an hour.

Lauren ended up in the same hospital as she wasn’t able to walk. I met your mummy and daddy outside as they were coming back to you after being for dinner. Your daddy gave Lauren a piggy back in to the hospital, Lauren liked this! Your mummy and daddy couldn’t come in to the A&E department with us because there was too many sick children and they couldn’t take any chances with you picking up any bugs and I understood this. Lauren said she was going to be brave because you were brave. She got her blood taken, she didn’t like it and she cried which made me cry the doctor was hurting my baby. I don’t know how you mummy and daddy coped with this every day, how you coped with this.

Lauren had an x-ray and a scan, nothing compared to what was happening to you and they found fluid on her hip. The doctor explained to me and Uncle Bobe about why they do so many tests when a child as an unexplained limp and it’s because it’s a sign of leukemia. Thankfully Laurens blood tests came back clear but it was so scary to know that’s what they were testing for. I don’t know how I would have coped but I would have because that’s what we do for our children we fight for them every day! This was what your mummy and daddy were doing for you.

You weren’t getting any better; there was no sign of when you would be getting home. I hoped the doctors would fix you as that’s what doctors are meant to do, isn’t it? You kept fighting on I couldn’t believe how much strength you had for such a little person.

The doctors seemed to be arguing between themselves about what was wrong, was it your heart? Was it your lungs? Was it both combined? Did the try and fix your heart and your lungs would fix themselves? They decided you were going to be transferred to Yorkhill for an operation on your heart. I can’t imagine what was going through your mummy and daddy’s heads. You were too little for that kind of operation, you had been sick for a while now could your little body cope? I was scared for you, for your mummy and daddy but trying to stay strong and positive, you had fought so much, you could fight this!

Lauren ended up back at the hospital because her limp moved to her other leg the day before you were being transferred to Yorkhill. Me and Lauren took your play gym on the bus so that you could get it back when you were better. It was really windy that day and it blew about everywhere. It made me and Lauren laugh.

You had your operation, you had coped and we now could only hope that this would make you better, make you strong enough to come home were you belonged. The doctors had to put you on a ventilator so that you could cope with being transferred from Edinburgh to Glasgow and for your operation. They tried to take you off it again but it didn’t work! Maybe in a few days once you were a little stronger!

Mummy and daddy kept us updated with your progress throughout your whole journey. Sometimes when we didn’t hear anything I got worried but I thought no news is good news. I thought about you all the time, hoped you would get better and come home. Then the dreaded news came, the news that no one wanted to hear especially your mummy and daddy. You had a full body scan and it showed problems with your lungs, they weren’t the way they should be. The doctors had a meeting to discuss what they could do and it came back there was nothing else they could try. It wasn’t right you had fought everything why couldn’t the doctors fix you?

I was on holiday from work when I got told and was decorating Lewis and Laurens room. I couldn’t concentrate and you were on my mind constantly. I was praying for a miracle! Every time the phone rang or my mobile went off I thought its someone saying it’s a mistake, the doctors got it wrong, you were going to be ok. That message never came! I tried to finish you cousin’s room, but I kept thinking this is things your mummy and daddy should get to do. I called my Nana to tell her the news, she always asked after you. This is when I started to cry, I cried for you, I cried for your mummy and daddy. I couldn’t understand why the world was so cruel, why did they have to take you? Why did this have to happen to your mummy and daddy? Hadn’t they been through enough?

Me and Uncle Bobe had to get through to see you. We didn’t know how long you had left with us! Uncle Bobes shift at work can be a pain but the doctors said it didn’t matter what time people came but just to get to the hospital as soon as they could. I took Lewis and Lauren over to Grannies and I brought Aunty Kirsty and Uncle Michael with me to collect Uncle Bobe from work and we all drove over. It was just after 10pm when we got to the hospital and we headed up to see you. Looking at you lying there was hard knowing there was nothing any of us could do to help you. We all took our turn to speak to you, you held my finger and you had some grip on you little man. If the machines around you weren’t there I wouldn’t have believed you were ill!

I couldn’t say goodbye to you, how could I say goodbye to someone I had hardly even said hello to. You shouldn’t have been leaving us, this shouldn’t have been happening!

We drove back home and when we got up the next again day your mummy phoned and told us that you had flown away. I cried and cried! Telling Lewis and Lauren was hard, they knew something was wrong for the last few days but didn’t know what, we didn’t want to tell them but we had to and they both cried, they didn’t understand why you had to leave, they had only seen you once!

Me and Uncle Bobe came to the hospital to say goodbye with Aunty Paula and Uncle Keith. You looked so peaceful, there was no more machines beeping it was just you. I got to hold you, it’s not the way I had imagined it but I had to give you a cuddle. I could still hear your suckling noise, it took all my strength to bring myself to pick you up not because I dint want to but I knew once I lay you back down that was it you were gone, I would never see you again, never see you grow up, have you over for sleepovers with your cousins. You were still peeking out one eye and I kept thinking you were going to open both eyes and look at me like what’s all the fuss about but you never woke up.

You flew away on Good Friday, this is a day a don’t like at the best of times as this is the day I lost my granddad even though it wasn’t the same date the day always makes me upset. I whispered to my granddad to look out for you and make sure you were safe.

They day of your funeral came and when we arrived at grannies there was a little baby blackbird sitting at the gate. I believe this was you making sure we were all being strong like you were for your 15 weeks with us. We got told about the delay in your forever bed coming up and you were going in another one for the service. I remember sitting staring at it and then at your pictures and thinking it’s not happening, that’s not your bed. After the service we headed up to the cemetery and waited, they put you in YOUR forever bed before bringing you up. Your daddy, Uncle Drew, Uncle Michael and Uncle Bobe laid you down and this is when I cried, we all cried. Your forever bed had pictures painted the same as the stickers in your bedroom, it was perfect, as prefect as a forever bed could be, but you should have been enjoying seeing your stickers around your bedroom not the way that it ended up.

I am trying to stay strong for your mummy and daddy but it can be hard, I can’t know how they are feeling, how can I when I have my children I can only imagine. They will never get over losing you bubba but they will learn to cope and I promise to be there to help them. I know you are always watching over us all and helping us along. People say that the man upstairs needed you but if this was the case why did he give you to your mummy and daddy, and to us, to take you away, leaving all the pain behind? There are so many questions to why you, with so little answers. I will never stop saying your name Haydon, never stop talking about you, never stop thinking about you; you will live on in my heart and thoughts forever. I love you little man, I just do xxx