Dear Haydon
I have known your Mummy for many years. She is my forever sister-in-law. We have had many laughs over the years and even though we hadn't been in touch properly for a few years, we picked up where we left off by emailing and catching up.
It brought a huge smile to my face, the day I logged on to FB and saw a picture of you in your mummy's tummy. Your Mummy had a huge smile to match her huge tummy! I knew there had been heartache before but this time it looked like it really was going to be ok! I knew your Mummy was going to be fantastic. When my girls were babies, your Mummy was one the best aunties they could ask for. On one visit to your Mummy's house, I ran out of nappies so with some pins and a cloth, we made one, with much giggling as we tried to get it to stay on.
I watched your progress from 200 miles away in York. Your Mummy's tummy got bigger and her smiles got wider. Status updates were usually asking Daddy to come home and make tea and rub her sore feet!
I was so excited when I heard the news that you had been born. You were such a handsome little man. You stole your Mummy and Daddy's hearts and everyone else who got to meet you. I never did get to meet you and that makes me sad but every day I logged on and kept up to date with your progress. I texted your Mummy to tell her how gorgeous you were and how I couldn't wait to come and meet you. You were doing so well, that I was convinced that one day I would be able to cuddle you and smell your special baby smell.
I still remember when you got to come home. Mummy's status update read 'Haydon John James Kennan is now receiving visitors. Please form an orderly queue'! That made me chuckle as I pictured a queue of people going round the block waiting to see you!
Then came the news that you had to go back into hospital and my heart sank a little bit. The news wasn't good. Every time I thought you had got a little bit better, something else happened. I hoped and prayed that you were going to make it. You were such a determined little man. You so deserved your Mr Strong sleepsuit and your Superman one. You fought with everything you had to stay with your Mummy and Daddy.
Then one day I woke up and Mummy's Facebook page had disappeared. My heart sank. I knew something bad had happened. Then a couple of days later, I got a text and I knew before reading it that you had lost your brave fight. I sat and sobbed for you, your mummy and Daddy and for the total injustice of it all. It wasn't fair. I would never meet you, or cuddle you or sit with Mummy and Daddy and work out who you looked most like. I never got to hear that marvellous 'sucking' noise that your Mummy talked about.
Coming up on the train on the morning of your funeral was horrible. All I could think about was how a few weeks before, I was hoping to come up and meet you and here I was a few weeks later, coming up for your funeral.
I got to church early and sat and watched the slide show of pictures over and over and over. I saw your brave fight in pictures. The euphoria on your parents faces as they hugged you. Your smile that lit up a room. Your first bath, with that wee hand holding on for dear life. Every stage was there to see. 'Blackbird' was a perfect song to play alongside these pictures. I have listened to it many, many times since and it still makes me cry.
When I saw your Mummy and Daddy come into the church, the tears flowed harder. I watched your parents do something that no parent should ever have to do - say goodbye to their child. I gave your Mummy a big hug, knowing then that she would never be the same again.
I went home on the train that same day. I didn't want to leave your mummy. I couldn't make it better but I wanted to be there.
Mummy and I have been in touch lots since you flew away. Sometimes we laugh, a lot of the time your Mummy cries and I listen. Every day is different and every day is hard for your parents. I think of you often and wonder what you would be like. I was sat in the car at a level crossing one day in the sunshine. I was thinking that it was a nice day for you to be in your pram while your mummy worked in the garden beside you. As I thought about you, a small white feather floated in my car window. You had been to visit and I felt very privileged.
I took one of my girls to York Minster. We were looking around a little chapel and reading its inscriptions and realised it was dedicated to little children. We lit a candle for you to see in Heaven.
We made a pumpkin at Halloween to and put a H in it for you. We couldn't manage the superman sign. We're not that good! I hope you saw it.
I wish with everything in my heart that you could still be with your mummy and Daddy today. I know you are always near them but its not the same. You were loved with every ounce of their being and I truly believe that is what keeps you close to them today. That bond is still super strong, just like you were. For those few short months, you made your Mummy and Daddy the happiest people in the world. I hope and pray that they find a way to be content in life until you are with them again.
Sending hugs and kisses up to you from all of us in York xxxxx
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