It's ok.

Mummy has been to the doctors this morning for her check up Haydon.
The doctor saw a difference in Mummy today, she said she doesn't know what it is but she saw a spark in Mummy's eyes that wasn't there before.
She said the roller coaster will still keep on happening, but she feels that Mummy is now entering that period called acceptance.  The doctor feels that Mummy is now starting to come to peace with the idea that you have gone, you aren't in my arms.  Dr Dean said that the next month is going to be so hard, the build up is going to be hard.  I told her that I already know this because I already feel the grip of this, but I am trying to hold on tight.

Mummy has been feeling like there is a shift in how she is just now, some days are just awful, truly awful, but some days are 'ok'.  Not full of happiness and excitement like before, but some days she is smiling more.

While sitting with the doctor chatting, Mummy's brain was whizzing round and trying to figure out what is different.
is it the medication to help Mummy when she feels like giving up?
is it kind words that people say to her, that make sense?
is it because Mummy is realising that no matter how much I cry and beg for you to come back, you can't?
Is it because so many months have passed now and I haven't forgotten a single thing about you, and that was a worry, that I would forget about you? How you were? How you felt? How you smell? How you sound?....this was a huge worry for Mummy, but as time is passing those memories are staying locked in place in my mind and my heart, they won't ever leave, I know that now.

There is a shift in the sand.  I know this, I feel this.  I know it will still keep moving and sometimes I will get caught up in a wave..but the sand is shifting.  Slowly.  But it is moving.

Two friends of Mummy's have said to her recently that there is a before Haydon, and an after Haydon.  I hadn't really been able to acknowledge what it meant.  But today I can.

Aunty Carol told Mummy that once she is able to accept herself that she has changed, and not looking to be back how she was, once she has fully accepted that she is a different person, she will be able to get on with life.
This makes sense to me today.  I am changed, I am different, I don't fully resemble the person I was before. But I've realised that's OK.

I have realised it is OK to miss you and hurt for you.
I have realised that no matter what age you would have been, you are still my son and you still left before me, and that will always hurt.  It's OK to feel this.
I have realised it is OK to say no to visits or meet-ups if I'm not feeling great.
I have realised that it's OK to cry, it's not something that I can help or change, this is me now, the new me, and most people acknowledge this.  That is OK now too.
I realised that I can begin to make steps forward, not big leaps, but tip toe's.  That's OK.
I have realised that Mummy and Daddy will always feel cheated.  That's OK to feel that.
I have realised that however long it takes for me to find my new 'me', it doesn't matter because life can wait for Mummy until she is strong enough.  That's OK too.
I have realised that some days I am stronger than I think I am, I can part with some of your things and cope with it.  It's OK to cry when letting them go, but I am letting them go.
I have realised that some days Mummy will be quite bright, and others she will be absolutely floored and not be able to get up.  That's OK.  That's expected and allowed.

No matter how long it takes Haydon, I know it's OK.  Everyone grieves differently, and that's OK.  Everyone finds their own ways to cope, and that's OK.
I might never be who I was before, I might never be able to be free like I was before.  But that's OK.

The doctor sees a change in Mummy.

That's more than ok.

It's OK to miss you.
It's OK to love you.
It's OK to HATE past tense, because you ARE in my heart forever.
It's OK to want to hold you and cry because I can't.

I love you.  I just do.  Completely.  Am I am not defined by my loss.  I am defined by my son.  I know that's OK.
You have changed me.  Once I get used to being that new person, that will be OK too.

<3