It is Mummy's birthday today, or at least it will be for another 50 minutes. It has been a hard day. A day of masks. A day of keeping myself busy. A day where my eyes keep springing leaks.
I woke up this morning missing you as I always do, but in amongst the missing you was the wish that you could be here to celebrate my birthday with me. But you aren't.
Mummy let the dogs out and there was 3 tiny little white feathers fell from the sky. Was this you?
There was 'Titanium' playing at Granny's...was this you? Aunty Amanda made a picture and said you whispered in her ear. I don't doubt that this was you xxx You whisper in a lot of people's ears now Haydon, and so many people hear you xx
Daddy has really spoiled Mummy. I think he knows how much I am missing you and wanted me to feel a little bit better about my birthday time. Your cousins made Mummy some cakes. Mummy is glad she didn't make more plans, because she wouldn't have managed much more. Daddy cooked dinner for Mummy, because the thought of going out didn't feel right to us today in the end.
Tomorrow Mummy is going for Lunch with Kerrie and Dionne. Then she has the doctors for her check up. Mummy wonders what the doctor will say about the rubbish letter from the counsellor, and how the Post Trauma referral is going. Another day where I will need courage.
Some people are starting to expect a lot from Mummy, Haydon. They don't seem aware that I can't always manage everything, they must think I'm back to my old 'normal'. They don't realise that I haven't yet found my new 'normal'. They see me smile a little bit more, and they think I'm 'fine'. They will still need to be patient with me, because I can't just throw myself into things like I used to. I still need time to think things over and work out what I can cope with in a day. Mummy needs to start telling those people that they are expecting too much and need to be more patient. Some people understand though that at times Mummy just cancels plans, or just stays in bed. That's just how it is now. Mummy can't control that.
Mummy can't believe it has been a whole year since her last birthday. Mummy still feels like it's December 2011. My life has been at a standstill since then, no actually, I've been living in a bubble since then. My Haydon bubble. My best place in the world because you were there, but it also turned out to be my worst place in the world in so many ways. I don't think I'll ever catch up with that lost year. That year has gone with you bubba.
I'm heading off to bed now because I've had a lot of leaks in my eyes tonight and I'm feeling tired.
Mummy was spoiled today. Mummy got lots of birthday gifts and cards and messages.
But when Daddy asked Mummy what her birthday wish was, he already knew the answer.
I miss you, I love you, I still need you because you are my son and you hold my heart in your hands. Daddy knows that Mummy loves him, and he knows he's only got a tiny bit of my heart compared to the huge chunk of it that you still have. Thank you for the birthday feathers, little white kisses blown from the sky from my bubba xxxx
You are my birthday wish. You just are.
Mummy loves you, she just does my baby boy xxxxx <3
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