Well Bubba, Mummy and Daddy started a big job tonight, and I can tell you that neither of us found it easy. We both cried, big sore sobs, but we both tried to have courage and not stop the task because this job needed started.
Mummy's boss is coming over tomorrow, she was meant to be coming with a man from Personnel, but he can't make it. So she will be coming on her own. Last time she came, Mummy had spoken to her about donating some of your things for families that need them, and she said she would take whatever we wanted to part with. So this is what we did tonight, we went into your room, both of us together, and took out some of your things. They will leave our house tomorrow.
Your other Bouncy Chair.
Your Play Gym, that still had your hospital label on.
Your spare steriliser.
Some of your toys.
Your 'Winnie the Pooh' changing mat.
We looked through some of your things and identified what we could cope with giving away.
We looked through one of your bags from the hospital and took out your little jingly balls, and your squeeky elephant, and your soft Nursery Rhyme book. We cried so hard taking the label off your Play Gym, but we will keep that label safe. It said on it 'Property of Haydon Kennan'. Mummy remembers when she had to put that on your Play Gym because the nurses kept getting it muddled up with their things didn't they, and they kept putting it in the cupboard. We will give that toy to other children to play with, along with your noisy balls and your elephant. We will keep your book though because that smells of you and we used that all the time didn't we. Mummy and Daddy want to keep that.
We remember you playing with that Gym at home and at the hospital. You liked that Gym and hitting the noisy bear, and the twirling mirror. You used to like Mummy playing with you and that toy, and sometimes we would change it and put the noisy balls on it instead because you really loved these. They had little rings on them so they could easily attach to your Play Gym, but they used to hang on your cot and you would reach for them all the time at the hospital. Mummy and Daddy remember the day we had to get the motorbike quickly over to Mothercare to buy those balls, and Mummy got a row from Daddy because she spent too much! But this was the day we got your Superman Babygro so it was worth the trip, and you loved your toys too. We will miss seeing your Play Gym, but other children could use this toy, and they aren't easy to find in shops anymore because Mummy and Daddy had a hard job finding one like yours - all colourful and with lots of choices for hanging things up.
Your play Gym still had the plastic wrapped all around it from when Aunty Leeann and Lauren collected it from the Sick Kids in Edinburgh and had to travel home with it making a noise and jingling on the bus. Aunty Leeann said she couldn't stop the noises from it that day, and Lauren was laughing because she was too big for it to be her toy.
Mummy wiped down your changing mat although it wasn't dirty at all because you had hardly used it. Mummy remembers being shopping with Granny and Grandad K, and buying that for you because Pooh looked so cute. You looked so cute lying on there getting your tummy massages for your sore tummy, and getting your nappy changed at home. We will give this away too.
The Bouncy Chair is the basic and older fashioned one that Mummy bought for you because it would have been handy to keep at Granny K's because she didn't have one. Granny B has one already that she has used with almost everybody! It is so old, do you remember you had a try in it when we went to visit Granny B in your pram? You weren't able to keep your head up straight in it though so Mummy didn't let you sit in it.
We left your posh Bouncy/Rocker at Yorkhill. Mummy and Daddy wonder if any of the other boys or girls have had a turn in your lovely chair. We will give your other chair away too. Mummy and Daddy cried because we remember that sitting in Granny K's house before you were born and she had put a doll in it to see what it would look like with you sitting in it. We all laughed at her trying it out, and the dolly stayed in the chair until you came home. You never used the spare chair. We are sad you couldn't try that out.
A few days after you came home your Steam Steriliser broke didn't it. Mummy can remember so clearly saying that the Steriliser heard her because she always liked the liquid sterilisers for keeping bottles clean. We had to go and buy a spare one in a rush because your steam one broke and we really wanted your dummy and bottles to be sparkly clean for you. We found a big bag of milk cartons that we had bought for you when Mummy couldn't make milk for you anymore. We had to put them in the bin. We felt so so sad about all of these cartons of milk because you weren't able to drink them, and now they are out of date so noone else will be able to either. Maybe that's best though because we struggled with the idea of giving your milk away anyway.
It was such a hard job tonight baby boy, and Mummy had to keep leaving the room to cry, and then going back in again, because she didn't want Daddy clearing up all of that on his own and making decisions on his own, he was upset too Bubba.
We had a chat and we feel like we are giving more of you away, and that is a silly thing to think really because you were ours and you are in our hearts, and those toys and things were all yours. We still had the box for your Mobile that we left at Yorkhill for the other babies. I think you had the same mobile as Oscar and Joshua. We haven't binned that box yet because we felt like we had done enough for the day.
Mummy and Daddy cuddled in the kitchen for a long time, until our tears started to stop, and then we had a cup of tea and Daddy has gone to bed.
There's now a little bit more of a space in your room. There's still lots to do in there and lots to give away, but we have started, and it was really hard. So hard.
Clearing up because we have to, not because we want to.
Breaking down because we needed to, not because we wanted to.
Mummy doesn't know how she will feel tomorrow seeing all of your things leave the house, but we need to let them go.
We miss you so so much Haydon, and we wish with everything in the world that you could be using all of things yourself still. You can whisper in the ear of Mummy's Boss and tell her who you want to use your things now, because it is up to you. They all belong to you.
Our world is unfair. It will never feel fair anymore.
We love you Bubba boy, completely and forever, because we just do xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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