Hey bubba,
Mummy has been trying so hard not to focus on the date. Trying so hard to focus on her project and out all of her energies into that, but it isn't working. My mind is full of you. My heart is still broken for you. I still want you here.
Last night Mummy found it hard to go to bed, so she stayed up late, reading and reading, and crying. She went to bed for a few hours and she felt you there, she felt you take her hand when she was falling asleep, and then you woke me up by making the stereo make a noise at 7.46am. You're time. The time we had to let you go.
Daddy is at work, and Mummy has had to cancel lunch with Aunty Bev cos she just won't stop crying today.
Granny asked if Mummy wanted to go to tesco, if she needed shopping, and Mummy told her she wasn't feeling up to it today. Granny thought it was the project making Mummy sad, but it isn't. Mummy told her it's because you have been away 6 months. Half a year. How have I coped without you for half a year?
Why does it still feel like yesterday that you went away. Why doesn't Mummy still not feel much stronger.
I am replaying over and over letting you fly away. I still can't believe that we had to hold you in our arms and watch you leave. Why? Why weren't you allowed to stay. Why did you have to go?
I think of how close I held you at the end. How tightly I hugged you. How I wanted you to feel safe and loved, how I wanted you to feel like you were tucked away in Mummy's belly again listening to the songs you used to like. How Mummy didn't cry when you were leaving, how Daddy didn't cry when you were leaving, we had to be strong, you needed us to be strong. I cry now though. So does he.
It is almost surreal Haydon when I look back and try and make sense of it all. There is no sense in it all.
I think back to when you kept changing colour during that night, and they couldn't give you more oxygen to help you breath because you were so sore. How the doctors said it would be best to give you medicine to make you relax, and how he said, "you know what this means. You know he will get sleepy, so speak to him now"...and we had to give you that medicine because you were so sore and hurting too much, we didn't have a choice in the end, and neither did you. We spoke, we wouldn't stop, we told you everyone who loved you, we told you everything we would do for you.
So we held you while you started to relax, but your machines were still alarming because you couldn't breath properly even with your ventilation, and your heart rate was dropping and dropping...
We asked them to turn those screens off. They did. We couldn't watch those numbers dancing and all the noises from the alarms.
You were placed in our arms, and you stayed held between us until you relaxed more, and then the doctor asked if he could take off your plaster bits on your face, and we knew that this would be it. This would be when you would have to go.
So Mummy and Daddy looked away, and when we looked back you had your beautiful face so clear of plasters, and you had no tubes and no wires and no ventilator, and you looked like an angel. You looked so peaceful, it was time for you to go.
So we told you over and over how much we loved you and wished that you could stay, but you had to go. You had to leave. You had no choice and neither did we.
We kissed you over and over, and then we felt you fly away. You glowed. You were a beautiful angel. The most beautiful angel. you looked at ease, you weren't hurting anymore. That is the only thing that gives us any comfort Haydon. You aren't hurting anymore. Nothing can hurt you anymore.
Some people won't like that Mummy has this blog written Haydon. But Mummy needed to get this out. Mummy has been replaying this over and over all through the night, and what happened to you was real. What happened to all of us was real.
Most people will never know how THIS feels. Most people won't understand how hard it is to live THIS life. This life without you in it.
I love you. I will always love you.
I miss you. I will always miss you.
Daddy just phoned, he sensed that Mummy wasn't good today. He misses you too baby boy.
I am trying and I will keep on trying, but some days I just don't want to be here without you Haydon.
I love you with all of my heart and all of my soul. I just do. Forever <3
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