Today has been a rough day, due to feeling unwell, having very little money to pay bills and missing my bubba a HUGE amount. But, the mood this morning was lightened by the knowledge that I would be starting my 'Capture Your Grief 2012' Project.
This idea was the brain-works of CarlyMarie, who is also a child-lost parent. The thought process behind this world-wide project is to heighten awareness of child loss and the impact on families. The journey of grief.
The Capture Your Grief 2012 will last for the whole of October, as this is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
You can read more about it here - http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html
Each day Jim and I shall be completing a task, and publishing the results in my blog. You can decide whether to check the blog daily if you are interested in the activities, or it will be a full month blog by the time the project is complete.
We are pretty enthusiastic about this experience!! and because we are sharing this journey with other child lost parents, that just makes the whole experience more meaningful.
Hope you enjoy.
Day 1 - 1st October - Sunrise. The start of the blog.
Sunrise from home in Gorebridge, Midlothian, Scotland. 7.15am. by Helen.
Sunrise from workplace in Morningside, Edinburgh, Scotland. 7.20am. by Jim.
Day 2. Before Loss.
I chose this picture of me with my brother, fooling around.
I was carefree, I was happy, I fooled around and I had fun. I knew loss because I had not long lost my best friend, and my marriage, and my job. But, I hadn't known child loss, I hadn't been pregnant yet, I was told I probably wouldn't be able to have children. But, I was happy with my life, I made the best of every moment. I compare this time to looking back over the pages of a book you loved, but you know if you read it again it wouldn't be quite as enjoyable as the first time...
Day 2. Before Loss.
Jim's words. "This was before we had Haydon. My hair is still brown!. I look Young. This was a fun night, I was happy here"
Day 3. After Loss.
The hardest picture to choose because there aren't many taken since Haydon left us. We deliberately didn't take any pictures of Haydon as an Angel because the memories were enough, we knew they would be enough. Jim and I rarely go far anymore, but when we do, all pictures are coated in a sadness that we can't overlook, all photo's show people resembling me and Jim, but is it me and Jim? We feel we don't really know these people.
This photo was the first day I was 'proud' of Haydon since he left us. I was wearing his name on a t-shirt. My family wore his name on a t-shirt. My in-laws wore Haydon's name on a t-shirt. Happiness with sadness mixed in. My son was an angel and it broke my heart, but I was proud, he was helping to open the Olympics.
Day 3. After Loss.
Jim went away for Father's Day because he didn't want to stay at home thinking about Haydon and what should have been. Jim comments on his photo as "I've lost my sparkle, I'm not as sociable, and I look older", he also says " I feel I should be living more and doing more, I just can't yet".
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The Book.
Looking back on my life
like a favoured old
book
the happiness, the
sparkle,
the risks we took.
I look back on those
pictures
of how we were then
How life has changed,
we're no longer 'them'
I look at the photo's
of Mums from before
happy and smiling,
wanted nothing more,
but their lives they
all changed,
they were ripped to the
core.
I wish no-one needed to
know this pain,
losing their child, try
to live again.
Life can be cruel,
hard, and unkind.
The thoughts of their
baby not far from their mind.
This project is
powerful,
will you take a look?
Pore over the pages,
of a once favourite
book.Day 4. Precious Things.
Jim and I decided to do this part together. Fortunately we share the same attachments to the same items.
We could add more to this list, special blankets that Haydon was given with his name on, a Teddy wearing a jumper with all his birth details, a shawl that belonged to my granny and Haydon was to be wrapped in it.......but we decided to keep it to the simplest things, the things that are beside us every day. The things that stay near to us every day. The precious things that belonged to our son, were used by our son, made by our son, and remind us of our son. <3
This photograph of Teddy and Dummy is precious to Jim and I. They are still with Haydon even today. It brings us a lot of comfort knowing that they are still with him today, we only have a picture, but he needed them more.
Teddy was never away from Haydon's side, Teddy gave him good hugs and held onto dummy. Dummy was heavily relied on too, if Haydon had his dummy he could pretty much cope with anything.
I look at this picture and I remember so much.
Teddy was Haydon's first gift from Santa and was placed inside his incubator at the Neonatal Unit. they were never separated after that day.
This stuff might be considered random pieces or junk to some, but this is the stuff memories are made off. These items are kept safe in a little 'Precious Keepsake' box that was a gift from a lovely friend.
There's mouse who was on Haydon's wrist a lot of the time, he loved mouse. Haydon would shake his arm a lot because mouse rattled and made a noise.
There's his little milk pot that I had used to store my breast milk when Haydon was in the neonatal unit. It even still has a date on it, because the milk had to be clearly labelled for the fridge. 29th January 2012 at 6am.
There's a thick syringe. This was used to tube feed Haydon a meal, we kept it to remind us that we learned this, and we did this for him when he couldn't drink his milk from a bottle.
The 2 smaller syringes were used for the 10 days we had Haydon home. One was for his Abidec vitamins and they were vile, and the other was for his Infacol because he had exruciating tummy pains - the doctor said it was colic. It turned out to be Hirschprung's Disease in the end.
There's Haydon's nail scissors. We used them at various times during his hospital stay, but mainly at the end because we needed him to look beautiful and looked after to go to heaven.
The teat was taken from the very last bottle that we fed Haydon at home before going into hospital to stay.
The Room Thermometer was bought because our house is always cold, and we used this as a guide at home to make sure it was warm enough for Haydon.
The 'baby scan' frame, is part of our Babes in The Womb pack. The first image we saw on the screen was Haydon picking his nose, that made us laugh. The scanner-lady put this picture in the frame, so we have kept it like this.
The sudocrem was in my bounty pack that I was given at the hospital, but I refilled it and carried it around in Haydon's Pram Bag. It was a perfect little size.
The most treasured items in this photo are the hand and foot moulds. I made these with Haydon when he was 12 weeks old. They are slightly raised on the plaster and you can clearly see and feel the markings and veins of his little hands and feet. These are so so so precious to us and this is what we would miss most of all out of Haydon's things.
These moulds were the inspiration for his charity fund, and now all bereaved families will be provided with similar moulds as a gift from Haydon.
There's hand/foot prints that we took at the Neonatal Unit when Haydon was 5 weeks old, they are grey.
There's hand/foot prints that we took at the Edinburgh Sick Kids, when Haydon was 10 weeks and 5 days old, they are purple.
Haydon always had a medicine/water drip, or an oxygen saturation probe, or a blood pressure cuff, or a blood transfusion drip in either hands or his feet, so we didn't get a complete set of prints until he was an angel.
We don't like the prints that were taken at that time, for that reason. They aren't included here.
Haydon's Bounty Photograph that was taken at the Neonatal Unit is precious. This was a happy day. These were taken just an hour before we left to come home for the very first time. He is wearing his "I love Daddy" Baby-gro's, because he truly loves his Hairy-face.
Our family picture from the Neonatal Unit. This is the family snap we like most because we were starting to relax a bit because we could see Haydon was getting stronger. We were happy and not as anxious, when this was taken. This was the calm before the horrific storm.
Haydon was 4 weeks old. We were visited at the Neonatal Unit by my Aunty Elinor and my cousin Kevin, who I adore so much. This video was recorded and I didn't know at the time, I was given this shortly after Haydon left us. So precious and so personal to Jim and I. This is one thing we wouldn't want to ever be without. Precious memories of me holding my tiny son (he did grow much bigger) while he had hiccups. xxx
you can view it here...
http://s74.photobucket.com/albums/i269/p_helz/Haydon%20Video/?action=view¤t=SDV_0035.mp4
Day 5. Memorial.
Day 5 Memorial.
Haydon's forever stone is being made at the moment, but that would be the biggest memorial because it will be with him forever. I have taken a photograph of the Forever Bear that we had made for him with his name on, and a copy of the memorial page that we had added to The Rose Chapel in Yorkhill. Haydon also has a personalised leaf on the wall at Ronald McDonald House where his Daddy and I stayed during his last journey with us. I don't have a photo of this, as I'm not yet strong enough to travel back to Yorkhill. <3
Day 6. What NOT To Say.
What NOT To Say
(and answers we wish
we had given...)
Sometimes 'Silence'
hurts more than words spoken.
We
won't ever forget our son and other losses, and we won't ever stop
talking about them. You might be able to go on with your life acting
like our child wasn't here, but we can't and we won't. Can you forget about your children? How would you feel if we stopped speaking about your child or mentioning their name?
I know exactly how
you feel.
Have
you had 4 child losses too? Do you really know or are you comparing
this grief to something else?
You'll get over it.
'It'
was our son, his name is Haydon. We still think of all our babies.
We won't ever get over them.
Look at the
positives.
What
positives? Our son is gone and our world has been ripped apart.
Sorry I couldn't
support you, I’ve been too busy.
Well,
I've not contacted you either, because I’ve been busy grieving for
my son.
You're an
inspiration. You are both so brave.
There's
nothing inspiring about losing your child. We have no choice but to
try and pick ourselves up because there's no other option, we might
not be here if there was.
He's in a better
place.
Where's
better than being with his mummy and daddy and all the people who
loved him most?
How is your wife? Is
she back at work yet?
How
am I? - he's my son too. No she isn't at work yet, we only lost our
son a week ago. (Jim's boss actually asked him this).
Maybe you'll feel
better in a few weeks?
Maybe
we'll feel better never....we don't have our son.
Have you thought
about adoption?
No,
we're still grieving for our son and just want him, no-one else.
You're still young,
you can try again.
Actually
she's 37 and I'm 39, we've tried 4 times, and we're advised not to
try again.
It's all part of
God's plan.
Oh
well, that makes it alright then. What a shit plan.
Everything happens
for a reason.
Really,
what reason would ever be good enough for this level of suffering for
him and for us?
It wasn't meant to
be.
How
do you know?
At least you have
your dogs.
Yep,
cos we can watch them grow up, learn to talk, achieve milestones, go
to school, and look after us when we're old. Don't be so stupid.
Some folk that don't
have children would be grateful for the time you had.
I'm
sure they would be. Seeing their child suffer, and fight and
struggle, and then you hold them in your arms while watching them go.
Yep, I'm sure they will be envious of our memories.
What
a bloody stupid thing to say.
Isn't it about time
you pulled yourself together?
Is
there a time limit on grief, oops sorry, no-one told us.
It could have been
worse, he could have been older?
How
could it have actually been any worse for him? Go and think about
what you actually just said.
I'm not giving you a
hug, it won't help.
Well
not hugging me while I was crying, because I'd just lost my son, has
cost us a friendship because your lack of understanding didn't help
either.
Are you better yet?
I'm
not ill, I'm grieving for my son. To feel this low is actually
normal. I might never be better.
You can always
adopt.
Really?
Like to replace him? So if you lose your mum, can you get another mum
too?
You can always have
another one.
Like
having another biscuit? Or another trip to the shops? Is it THAT
easy?
And
actually, no we can't.
I didn't think you'd
need baby wipes now.
We
were actually asked this. Are you not meant to buy wipes if you
don't have children? I use them to wipe my face. Maybe I’ll tell
that to my mum, mother in law, and my sisters too - because they
don't have small children either.
I understand how
hard it must be. (and then spend 2 hours talking about their little
one)
If
you understand then please don't rub salt in my wound. If you
understand please see that I'm crying and I'm not stopping, so maybe
I'm finding this conversation a bit hard but I'm actually too polite
to tell you that my heart is breaking, because I miss my son and your
stories are making me miss him even more.
Heaven needed
another angel.
What?
More than his mummy and daddy needed him, I’d doubt that.
Maybe it's a
blessing.
Nope
the blessing was my son, and it would have been a proper blessing if
he had been allowed to stay. There is no blessing in making him
suffer till the end and our hearts being THIS broken.
Day 7. What to say.
What to say.
“Haydon”
“Euan”
Our lost
babies are our past, our present and our future. Saying their names
means much more than anything. <3
“When
that pain is your heart is really bad, that is your Haydon pain,. It
means he is thinking of you too”
“your
love for your son has encouraged me to be the best mum ever to my
daughter”
“Tell me
about your babies”
“your
son is the most loved boy I had ever seen. He couldn't have had
better parents”
“Haydon
will always be your son, a grandson, a nephew, and a cousin. He is
loved”
“Haydon
is holding your hand”
“We will
always remember, because we will always care”
“Take as
long as you need, there is no timescale on grief”
“I can't
understand how you feel, but I will try to. I'm here. “
“There
is no loss greater than the loss of your child. And no greater love
than that of a mother.”
“Haydon
is trying to hold you up but his hands are too small to do it for a
lonmg time.”
“I'm
sorry”
“No
reason would be good enough”
“You
will never be the same after this. Who could be?”
“I think
of Haydon all the time. He is in my heart too”
We can't
promise not to cry, we can't promise not to be moved, we can't
promise to never be upset, but just being there, and helping us up on
really dark days, means so much. To let us speak about our son, to
let us speak of our lost children is one of the most important things
you could ever do/say.
It means
so much more to us if you stay and offer a hand or a shoulder, than
if you walk away and assume we are fine. We will never be fine, and
we will never forget.
Day 8. Jewellery.
Day
8. Jewellery. Jim and I both have special pieces of jewellery. Jim
has a tag with Haydon's name and little footsteps. It was a gift from
Haydon sent from Heaven on Father's Day. My necklace is a mother and
child. Jim saw this and said he had to buy it for me because the
gentleness of the faces reminded him of me with Haydon. This necklace is
the idea behind my memorial tattoo. Xx I like the idea of carrying my son around with me everyday, as does his Daddy xxx
Day 9. Special Place.
Today we have to choose somewhere that we can find peace. This is where we go. Beside our boy's resting place, although we know he flies free xx
Haydon has gifts from so many people who love him here, and this is a slightly older picture so it doesn't have the lovely red windmill that Granny B put up for him so I will add that photo to my blog also.
Haydon doesn't have his Forever-stone yet because they are still making it, but it should be with him by the end of the week. We want to see it, but we don't want to see it.
We
go and visit his place every 2nd day now, sometimes it's every day but
it depends how we are feeling. We feel at peace here because we know
our son was laid to rest here. We feel the love for him when we go to
visit. Jim and I often go here to chat with Haydon, and we have
discovered that it is a close family friend who is in the next place to
him, so Granny Isa is looking after him when we're not there. ♥
Haydon's lovely red windmill that he was given from Granny B. He makes this turn even on days that aren't very windy ♥ xx
Day 10. Symbol.
We have a couple of symbols that we link with Haydon visiting us, for example, feathers, rainbows, dragonflies and butterflies, but this symbol by far is the one that means most to us. Our son was nicknamed the miniature superhero, he wore Superbaby baby'gro's regularly because of his courage and his never ending fight. Since he has gone this symbol is the one used for his Charity Fund, and everyone linked with Haydon (in any capacity) associates this logo with him now. Haydon is still wearing his Superbaby Gro, even today. We can't think of a more fitting symbol for our son, and there never will be a more fitting symbol for our son xx ♥
Day 11. Supportive Family and Friends. Who has been there for you?
This task is probably one of the most challenging to date. So much so that we are posting this at the very start of the 11th day so we don't have to dwell on it. This project requires honesty, so this is what we will do, there is no point participating the 'heal' project if we aren't truthful. This part of the project isn't to cause any upset, but to highlight and give thanks.
Supportive family and friends. We are fortunate to have a lot of supportive people in our lives who try their best to help us up from our knees, try to say the right things, or try to distract us for a while because our minds are always busy with Haydon, regardless what we are doing in a day. We always miss our son, regardless what we are doing in a day.
Many people have messaged us occasionally, or asked to visit when we feel ready to meet someone 'new' from within our circle. This isn't people we haven't met before, but people we haven't seen for a long time, because our grief for our son has taken us over and as a result Jim and I do tend to be very selective about who we are spending time with at the moment. We can't apologise for this, this is one of our coping strategies.
That said, it doesn't necessarily mean that we wouldn't want to spend time with people who aren't in this photograph. It just means that the people included in this photograph are the people who have spent a fair bit of time with Jim and I since we lost our son, by phone, emails, texts, post, letters, or in person. The people who tracked his path while he was ill and made sure Jim, myself and Haydon knew that many loved him and wished the best for him. The people who have gone out or their way to show friendship, love and support to Jim and I, even though the tears may fall and we may not be able to form words at times. The people who remember our son with us everyday. The people who have come to us, or have said or done just the right thing to lift us up from our knees on a particularly bad day.
The people in this photograph are our 'there' people. Because they just are. They are all patient with us, and understand that losing our other babies, but most especially our heart and soul that is our 'Bubba,' is the worst thing in the world that has ever happened to us, and that we will never be the same. Ever. We are forever changed. These people are aware that even when we're happy we are sad. They don't expect too much from us, and don't take any offence if we need to cancel at short notice because we're having a rough day, and understand if we don't answer the phone because we don't have any words that day, only tears
This task is to highlight those people that we wish to thank for being there. This task is to say that even if we don't always seem comforted or reassured by your words, please know that we do absolutely appreciate you being around, and you do help. Just being there, listening to us, talking to us about our lost children, about Haydon, is the best thing that you can do to support us because they were here, even if for the shortest of times, they were real, Haydon was real. We don't and won't ever forget about them for as long as we are here without them. Neither will we forget any of you people in this picture because you have all in your very own personal and individual ways helped Jim and I to begin coping without our son, our greatest loss. You have all in your own ways given us hope to hold onto, and helped us to get up and live at a time where we feel barely 'alive'. You are all appreciated.
This task was really interesting to do. Looking at the group of faces who try to help us. I was quite astounded that there's quite a few people on this that I haven't met in person, but who have been there endlessly to support me and Jim on dark days. People who have been brought to us through loss support networks and organisations, because they have angel children too. I really appreciate every single one of you. You might not be visiting me and having tea and biscuits, but we all have virtual tea and biscuits every day. Thank you all for just being there xxx
Thank you <3
Jim and I have placed ourselves at the centre of this photograph because we support each other every second of every day. We shared our son and his horrendous journey together, we were each other's strength then and we are still each other's main strength now. An event which could have ripped us apart at the seams has cemented us even more.
I love my Mr Jim, I just do, and I know he loves me unconditionally too.
xxx <3
Day 12. Scents.
We have a few scents that remind us of our son, the main one being his own scent, and the smell of him that is left behind on blankets and baby gro's. This smell is his, so precious. We have those clothes in air tight bags to protect them and keep Haydon's smell on them.
Other scents that remind us of our son are;
Colycinth Granules.
Fairy Non-Bio.
Infacol.
Sudocreme.
Milton.
Handwash.
Abidec vitamins, and iron supplement.
Johnston's baby products.
All of these items were used with our son, all of these items trigger a memory (some good and some not so good).
Day 13. Signs.
If you believe in signs
from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.
The biggest sign I have had to date (although I have had a few) is probably the clock stopping at home. It stopped at Haydon's exact time of passing. Jim and I had been staying at The Sick Kids in Edinburgh and then Yorkhill in Glasgow, all in all for about 10 weeks. My younger brother had been staying at our home while we lived at the hospital and he noticed a couple of days before Haydon left that the clock in the livingroom had stopped but he didn't think much about it because he used his mobile to check the time.
Haydon passed on, and we had to return home. This was when we noticed that our livingroom clock had stopped at 7.46. the exact time. We checked the battery and that was fine, it was only the clock that had stopped.
We believe this to be a response from my Grandparents in heaven because I had been speaking to them a lot while at Yorkhill and had asked them to look after Haydon for me when his time came to go, because my best friend in heaven was so busy looking after my other 3 babies.
I discovered upon telling the clock story to my mum, that my Grandad's home clock stopped at his time of exact passing in his own home when he left. We truly believe this was my Grandad and Granny's way of saying that they would look after him for us xx We found so Much comfort from this.
Jim's choice of Sign, is 'feathers'. The day after we returned from Yorkhill, Jim was in the kitchen and all doors and windows were shut. We don't have birds as pets. A feather came floating down very gently and landed in the palm of his hand. Jim was always a bit sceptical about the Spiritual side of life, but now he believes. Jim is adamant that the feather he received that day must have been from Haydon, there was no other explanation for where the feather had come from.
Since that day, many relatives and friends have had a similar experience and each one of them has felt a lot of comfort receiving these 'gifts' from our tiny angel. xx
Day 14. Community.
We haven't been far since Haydon left us, but we have attended a meeting at SANDS and I've been attending an art group there too.
But the day I am choosing for Community, is the day the majority of my family did a sponsored walk for Haydon's Charity fund in remembrance of what should have been his 6mth birthday. They endured all weathers and conditions, and raised £4000. This was a hard day, an emotional day, but a day of togetherness. I really do just have a wonderful family community, and without them all I don't know where I would have been at that time, or even now. Thank you family xx <3
Day 15. Wave Of Light. Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours.
I lit a candle in the morning for all of the angels that are part of my day to day life, including my 4 lost children.
Later in the day myself, my husband, and some of our closest family members and my best friend, attended the Wave of Light Service at the Sanctuary in The Royal Infirmary Of Edinburgh, where Haydon had been a patient in the Neo-natal unit for 5 1/2 weeks. It was a beautiful, yet moving service. Everyone there with us lit a candle for Haydon and Euan and our other lost babies, Jim lit 2 candles and I lit 2 candles. We were given a white rose each to remember the lost children. My family and friends gathered them up and my sister who is a florist created a beautiful little hand-tie bouquet that we took up to Haydon after the service. We also took up some flowers for our friends lost son ,Tommy, who is just a few spaces up from Haydon.
Beautiful evening xx <3
Lots of our family and friends lit candles for Haydon, or included Haydon in their candle burning, here are some of those precious candles. Our babies really would have seen the lights all the way from Heaven on Monday, I don't doubt this. <3 Thank you everyone who lit a candle for our boy and lost babies xxx
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Day 16. Release. Where or when do we feel closer to Haydon? for me and Jim it isn't releasing balloons, it is much more personal times.
For me. Haydon's mummy. It is crying. When I am crying, deep powerful sobs that I just can't stop I feel the presence of my son. I feel him in my heart trying to comfort me, like I used to with him. ♥
Jim says he feels closer to Haydon and has personal time to think about him when he's either out on one of our bikes, or working on one of our bikes. To him, that's his release xxx ♥
Day 17. Anniversary.
I woke up this morning thinking I haven't reached an anniversary yet, but I have. We reached 6 months without our son, that was hard. Jim and I were both struggling this day, so went out for a curry in the evening. We returned home and lit this lantern for our son and all his angel friends, and their parents who are now our friends. xxxx ♥
Day 18. Family Portrait.
Jim and I don't feel ready to do an actual family portrait, just the 2 of us and our dogs, so we have created this. This was Jim and I on our 'secret' wedding day, we were surrounded by orbs that we hope was our lost family and friends celebrating with us. Each butterfly is one of our babies that now fly free. Our dogs are always beside us, keeping us busy, part of our family. ♥
Day 19. Project inspired by loss. Jim, my sisters and I will be working on a christmas/birthday gift for Haydon. But a completed project I set myself was to make exact replicas of Haydons hand and foot moulds. Some of these are still to be given to family. The originals are positioned in the middle and the copies I made surrounding them. ♥
Day 20. Charity.
We set up a charity fund for our son that splits it's fundraising money between SiMBA and Yorkhill. My son's contribution goes to lost families, and creates memorial keepsakes, in particular hand and foot moulds. This seemed the right item for us to promote because we know how truly precious our Haydon's hand and foot moulds are. ♥
http://www.justgiving.com/
Day 21. Shrine/Sacred place. This is where we light candles for Bubba. There's a candle burning just now because he was born 10 months ago today. The candle holder was a gift from my mother in law and is so appropriate. Haydon took our breath away. ♥
Day 22. Place of Birth /and places of Care. A little bit early because i'm going away tomorrow. Haydon was born at Simpsons, Edinburgh, he stayed at the SCBU for 5 1/2 weeks. He then came home for 10 days. Bubba became poorly and was an inpatient in HDU at The Sick Kids in Edinburgh for 6 1/2 weeks. Haydon was at Yorkhill for his last 2 weeks. Haydon became an Angel here xxxx ♥
Day 23. Their Name. Their photo.
Haydon John James Kennan. Euan James Kennan (bump pic)
and 2 tiny angels we couldn't name.
Day 24. Siblings/Cousins. What makes them feel close to Haydon.
Our nephew Lewis wearing his 'Haydon' t-shirt.
Our niece Lauren holding 'Haydon's song'. Blackbird by Alterbridge.
Day 25. Gifts we couldn't use.
no words. just memories.
Day 26. Their ages.
Day 27. Artwork.
What other piece could I choose, there is nothing more meaningful to me and Jim than this since Haydon left us. My back tattoo. I've included a collage showing how it has built up over time, I've now lost track of the hours spent on this but there is still more to be done. My tribute to my Bubba. The necklace Jim bought me was the inspiration behind this piece. ♥
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Day 28. Memory.
Mummy's Memory.
My poor little boy left us with so many memories. I wish I could immediately think of something good, but can't. My memory chosen is Haydon's last few hours. Holding him tight. Wondering how long I would still have my precious boy. Holding my son close with my already broken heart. ♥
Daddy's Memory.
Being asked to look over the curtain in the theatre and seeing Haydon being lifted from my belly. The memory of seeing our miracle, and hearing him cry for the first time. ♥
Day 29. Song.
Responded to this in my womb. Reacted to this after birth. Played to him as he flew away. <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz_j7nVCJJ0
"Blackbird"
The willow it weeps today
A breeze from the distance is calling your name
Unfurl your black wings and wait
Across the horizon it's coming to sweep you away
It's coming to sweep you away
[Chorus:]
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
The fragile cannot endure
The wrecked and the jaded a place so impure
The static of this cruel world
Cause some birds to fly long before they've seen their day
Long before they've seen their day
[Chorus:]
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
Beyond the suffering you've known
I hope you find your way
May you never be broken again
Ascend may you find no resistance
Know that you made such a difference
All you leave behind will live to the end
The cycle of suffering goes on
But memories of you stay strong
Someday I too will fly and find you again
[Chorus:]
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
Beyond the suffering you've known
I hope you find your way
May you never be broken again
May you never be broken again
A breeze from the distance is calling your name
Unfurl your black wings and wait
Across the horizon it's coming to sweep you away
It's coming to sweep you away
[Chorus:]
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
The fragile cannot endure
The wrecked and the jaded a place so impure
The static of this cruel world
Cause some birds to fly long before they've seen their day
Long before they've seen their day
[Chorus:]
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
Beyond the suffering you've known
I hope you find your way
May you never be broken again
Ascend may you find no resistance
Know that you made such a difference
All you leave behind will live to the end
The cycle of suffering goes on
But memories of you stay strong
Someday I too will fly and find you again
[Chorus:]
Let the wind carry you home
Blackbird fly away
May you never be broken again
Beyond the suffering you've known
I hope you find your way
May you never be broken again
May you never be broken again
Day 30. Grief. Tell the world.
Day 31. Sunset.
The weather around here has been a bit sketchy, so we haven't been able to capture a decent sunset for the last day of our project. We will keep working on this until we get it.
But for now I will include a Sunset of a different kind. I rarely go out, rarely go far. But last night when we hoped to get a sunset for our project and couldn't, we went to a concert. We were quite taken aback about how both of us have changed as a couple, and how social events are just not the same and acually quite difficult for us now. A song that reminds us of our boy was sung, and I cried. I can't be ashamed of that. But while the song played, I thought about how I am accepting there is a sunset on my old life, and I'm still hanging on for a sunrise to start my new life.
This was the song and the lyrics that we felt deep in our hearts last night.
Shinedown - '45'
Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
[CHORUS]
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
[CHORUS]
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
[CHORUS]
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
[CHORUS]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tYCM1lWM50
Thank you to everyone who shares the good days and the blooming awful days with Jim and I. Thank you for patiently sitting back and allowing this project unfold over the last 31 days.
We will never be the same, we will miss our son forever, but you being around is more meaningful than you would or could ever know xxxxxx <3
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