Mummy went out for a meal last night with Aunty Beverley. Mummy hardly ever goes anywhere so it took a lot of courage to go out. It had been quite a hard day all day and Mummy was trying her hardest to be brave, like you always were. So Mummy and Granny K and Grandad K went shopping because our house had hardly any food in it. Mummy hates going shopping and being in a store where people might ask her about you. But we needed food. Mummy gathered most of what we needed and then saw Granny B at the fruit and veg, so Mummy tried to be funny and hid Granny B's shopping trolley. It made Mummy laugh though because Granny B turned round in a whole circle looking for her trolley. Mummy laughing gave the game away, you know Mummy doesn't laugh very quietly, so Granny B knew where her trolley had gone because she heard me and seen me laughing.
Later on we went up to see you and tidied up your flowers. You have a little bit of space for some more in your vases, so both of your Grannies are going up with some more this weekend. You really are a spoiled boy. xx
Mummy came home and cried for a long time when she was on her own. Her heart was breaking remembering what day it was. Everyone around her was being 'normal' but when daddy came home he was sad, so sad, and we both knew that for us it wasn't a 'normal' day.
Mummy took the dogs out for a walk and cried walking, she spoke to the dogs about you being in heaven and how she was feeling sad. If anyone could see Mummy they would think that she was a mad crazy person. But I'm not, I'm just missing you.
Mummy and Aunty Bev were meant to be going to Aunty Carol's birthday party, but we couldn't afford it just now, and that made Mummy sad too. So we decided that we would try to be busy on that date, especially after realising that we couldn't go to the party in York. So Mummy and Aunty Bev made a plan to go out for dinner. To be busy on this date anyway. Mummy never goes out on the 6th of a month or the 21st, but we decided that Mummy should try, Mummy should try being somewhere else on one of these dates.
Mummy was wobbly and wasn't sure all day how she would be, but she is glad she got ready and went out for dinner with Aunty Bev. Daddy was going to work on a bike for a little while. So Mummy went for a shower. The memories of you were all around her, she couldn't stop thinking of you, and couldn't stop crying for you when she was in the shower.
Mummy got dressed up in old clothes that she has that fit her now, because not everything in Mummy's clothes pile does fit anymore. Then she went to meet Aunty Bev.
All the running around and crying must have made Mummy's blood sugar a bit low, but then Mummy remembered that she hadn't eaten an awful lot either, so she tested her blood and she was having a hypo. Mummy had to get off the bus and find a shop because she had forgotten to put her hypo stuff in her bag. Mummy never forgets that, but her head was all a muddle.
Mummy stood facing a lovely little restaurant, and asked Aunty Bev if she would like to go there on a text message. But Aunty Bev had forgotten her phone and Mummy didn't know this, then she saw Aunty Bev on a bus and we waved so that Mummy could get on, but the bus didn't stop. so Aunty Bev got off at the next stop. It was quite funny bubba because she was having a hypo too, so it made us laugh that we were both needing food, and that made the choice for a restaurant easier because we just needed to eat.
The meal was lovely, and we talked about all sorts of things, and then we found a bar for a wee drink after our dinner. Mummy realised that the bar we went to was on the cross-roads on the way to the hospital where you were for over 7 weeks. Mummy and Aunty Bev realised that it was 6 months ago the last time Mummy had been at that cross roads because you were moving to another hospital.
The memories of that road came flooding back. The weeks and weeks, that turned into months that Mummy and Daddy were staying there, just down that street, walking up and down everyday to find somewhere to eat. Somewhere to pass the time when they were doing the staff change-over at the hospital. Mummy remembered the favourite places that we found, where the people got to know about you, and would ask about you everytime we went in.
That was a different life then. That wasn't that long ago but it felt like our worlds were so far apart now. Mummy cried bubba. She misses you all the time. As much as I hated the hospital, and you hated c-pap and some the nurses were bad, we still had you. You were still in our arms everyday. We would sing to you and play with you and keep you busy, every day.
The memory of not seeing very many people around that time came rushing back too. For all of those weeks Mummy and Daddy would occassionally meet your Grannies or Grandad's for a quick dinner because we needed to get back to you. And quick meals with all your Aunties and your Uncles, eaten so fast because we had to get back to you. Quick lunches with Aunty Fiona and Aunty Bev and Uncle Bobe and the kids, because we needed to get back to you. We needed to get back to you. The memory of needing to get back to you was so hard bubba. It made Mummy really cry. I want to still get back to you.
Aunty Bev understood and she gave Mummy a big cuddle. Mummy hates crying in busy places but sometimes it just happens. This is Mummy's life now.
I miss you. As much as I hated that hospital and staying there....you were there. That made everything manageable, that put everything into order, because we wanted you, we prayed for you. You were our world, and we lived in our bubble, with hardly anyone else in it.
Everyday is hard Haydon. Mummy is trying though and she's making plans to do things now, unlike before. Mummy is lucky that the people she meets now understand if she gets upset, or if something triggers a tear. The doctor said on Wednesday that Mummy may be like this forever. I hope not. I am so tired being on this rollercoaster all the time.
You are still my world Haydon, even though I can't touch you everyday. You are still in my mind every second, and Mummy and Daddy are lucky that the people around us know this and understand that you will be ours forever. We will miss you forever.
9 months ago, at 10.07pm last night, you were born. We touched you, We loved you straight away. We miss you.
You own my heart bubba, and you own Daddy's too. We miss you all the time and that doesn't get easier, but Mummy and Daddy shared you together, so we are so close now because we had to share you together, we experienced all of you, together. We love you bubba, we just do. We didn't ever need a reason and it was never an effort.
Kisses blown to the sky for you bubba boy. Catch them and grin, because I love that grin xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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