Hello my gorgeous boy.
Mummy's boss came for coffee today. Mummy has been worried for days and days about that, but it went ok, it went as well as it could have. Mummy cried, and she apologised for it. The doctor will be annoyed with Mummy next time she goes because she told Mummy to stop apologising for being sad.
Last week Mummy arranged for her boss to come because it will soon be time for Mummy to be going back to work. Mummy hasn't felt strong enough to speak to people but she wanted to see her boss. She wanted to try. She wanted to speak about how things are, and about going back to a job to help other people who don't always appreciate their gifts, don't always put in enough effort, some who don't even want their children at all. Mummy knew she was going to have to jump this hurdle at some point so she arranged it for today. Mummy bought cakes.
Granny came to sit with Mummy, while she chatted with her boss. Mummy told her boss exactly how she was, no pretending, no mask. Mummy cried, so did Granny. But Mummy's boss said she understood, she had lost a neice, she knows how this kind of loss is and how it impacts on a family. Mummy didn't know that her boss had lost a niece, and wishes that she had asked more about her. She will ask the next time.
She knows Mummy's heart is broken and that she is finding it hard being without you. She has told Mummy not to worry and when the time comes for her to return to work, she will help me to get back to work somehow, or will help find somewhere to go, I will still have a job, even if it is not doing what I do. I hope someday I can go back to doing the same job because I always liked my job, but Mummy doesn't know anymore Haydon. Mummy doesn't know how she will feel in time. Mummy's boss was really kind and understood that. She has told Mummy it will take as long as it takes, and that there is no pressure. That is a massive relief Haydon, because Mummy can't do pressure now.
Mummy told her boss that she felt weak, and that she feels like a failure because she can't just bounce back from losing you. Mummy explained that losing you wasn't the same as losing my other babies and she understood that.
She said she often thinks of you and your sweet face, and wishes that she hadn't been ill when her visit time came at the neonatal unit because she wishes she could have met you. Mummy explained that so many people didn't meet you, and that was hard sometimes because to some of those people you weren't real. But you were as real as Mummy and Daddy are. Mummy gave her some of your hand and foot moulds, she is going to treasure them xx
Mummy's boss told me she has a gift for your forever-space and she is going to take it up to you once your forever stone is there.
Mummy was given a gift of angel earrings. They are lovely. They made me think of you.
She understood and gave Mummy a cuddle when she said that you had destroyed Mummy, and it wasn't even your fault. I am not angry at you bubba. I am angry at the world. I am angry at the world for always giving Mummy and Daddy real bad stuff to cope with, because we can't cope with anymore. Not since losing you,
Mummy told her boss that she is having a couple of stronger days, never good days, but a little better. Mummy told her that she went on a date with Daddy and had fun for the most part. Mummy told her that she now makes plans a few days in advance, compared to before when she could only take a footstep at a time, one day at a time. Mummy's boss said that she didn't expect Mummy to be back at work for a while. That has taken some pressure off, cos Mummy was worried that some people wouldn't understand Haydon.. But some people do.
We didn't eat the cakes.
Mummy read a blog about your friend Bertie today Haydon. She is crying for his Mummy and Daddy cos they are so sad today. It's 1 year since he became an angel, and Mummy is hurting for them because she knows how they are feeling. Just like my pain for you Bubba. Give Bertie a big hug Haydon, because he is missing his mummy and daddy too, especially today. I know you are with him because you were up in the clouds making superman shapes on Bertie's birthday, his Mummy noticed your signs xxx I am glad you are making friends together xxx
Mummy is so glad you visited her in her dream. You are becoming a very big boy, and your smile is still so beautiful xxx You held Mummy's face and grinned at her. Mummy cried Bubba, but she was happy you came to visit xx
Aunty Paula is happy you visited her too and told her your tattoo idea, so that it will be perfect for you The tattoo artist doesn't know if your idea will work but he will speak to Aunty Paula about that xxx
Aunty Cheryl is also glad you visited her. She said you are getting so big and looked so strong, and she is glad you came for cuddles and kisses. She still misses you so so much too xxx
Mummy and Daddy love you so much Haydon, and that will never ever change for as long as we are here and you are in heaven without us. Mummy loves you bubba boy. She just does.
Forever and for always xxxxxxxx
Mummy wrote a poem for Bertie's Mummy. This is what it said.
Conversations in Heaven
If we could listen in to heaven
I know what our boys would say
they would talk about their love for us,
and why they couldn't stay.
Robert would talk about the kisses,
he draws in the clouds for you,
he would talk about his choo choo train,
and the home made gifts from you.
They would chat about the sunflowers,
Robert would talk about the beach,
Our boys would compare 'forever-stones',
now they have one each.
Haydon would talk about the butterflies,
that he brings around,
he would talk about his feather gifts,
and pennies lying on the ground.
Bertie would boast about the hats you knit,
for teeny tiny tots,
he would say his Mummy is the best,
he's so proud, lots and lots
I just know our boys would do this,
I know they'd giggle, tease, and play.
And though we forever miss our sons,
they'd say they're with us every day xxxx
he would talk about his choo choo train,
and the home made gifts from you.
They would chat about the sunflowers,
Robert would talk about the beach,
Our boys would compare 'forever-stones',
now they have one each.
Haydon would talk about the butterflies,
that he brings around,
he would talk about his feather gifts,
and pennies lying on the ground.
Bertie would boast about the hats you knit,
for teeny tiny tots,
he would say his Mummy is the best,
he's so proud, lots and lots
I just know our boys would do this,
I know they'd giggle, tease, and play.
And though we forever miss our sons,
they'd say they're with us every day xxxx
Make sure you all keep coming round to visit us Mummies and Daddies, because we like it when you do xxxxx
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