Mummy woke early bubba, she has been replaying the same images over and over. That isn't unusual, that happens everyday, but what is unusual is that Mummy wants to write this memory down. Mummy has decided the she will write down the images that replay over and over because it might help. After the mix up with the post trauma counsellor, maybe Mummy should try this, to see if it helps. Hopefully it won't be long until the doctor can fix out the right support for Mummy, but i'll do this for now.
Mummy always writes about missing you, but she never talks about what happened to you. So this is what I'm going to do. I will create some blogs on days where the images just don't stop. It might help. I will try.
The day that I'm playing over this morning is the day 1 week after your heart surgery at Yorkhill. The day I held you for the first time in a week.
You'd had your surgery the week before and Mummy and Daddy had to be really gentle with you when we were cleaning you up. We needed to make sure that your wound was kept clean, so we had to use little bottles of sterile water and swabs to clean you around your wound. You didn't like this and I'm not surprised. You would cry. Daddy didn't feel comfortable doing this so Mummy did this job, he was too worried that he would hurt you. Mummy would wipe you down and speak to you, she would tell you what she was doing, and she would lean over and kiss your little nose and cheeks because you would be watching her so closely. You would look up at Mummy, and Mummy knew that you were frightened that it would be sore. Mummy tried her best to be really gentle.
When it was time to change your nappy, the nurse would hold up your ventilator tube so that Mummy could very gently move your position and slide her hand under your bottom to lift you up, and she would change your nappy so carefully, she would make sure that you were wiped very gently and got plenty of sudocreme on to prevent your bottom getting sore. It never did get sore with nappy rash though did it xx
If we were changing your baby gro, you could only wear baby-gro's that opened down the middle, Mummy would get the nurse to scoop you up very gently and lift you so that I could slide your clean baby-gro underneath you. Mummy cries at some of these memories Haydon because she had to cut the feet off most of your baby-gro's so that there was space for your feet cannula's and your sats probe on the other foot. Mummy sometimes cried because she didn't like you wearing ruined baby-gro's, she used to say you looked like nobody's bairn when you wore those, but you couldn't wear anything else. Mummy and Daddy went shopping one day when you were getting a procedure in the theatre and bought you baby-gro's that already had the feet missing, we didn't feel so sad about you wearing them, because they were new.
Mummy had spent the whole week before gently moving your position so you didn't get sore on your body, and you had a special fluffy blanket layer to lie on that was gentle underneath you. Mummy would wipe down your eyes with sterile water and swabs, and would clean out your mouth with the special mouthwash because the mrsa was still in your body and we had to get it away. The soap we had to use on your body was so harsh and made some of your skin sore, Mummy would fill up your basin with warm water and the horrible soap, and she would use very gentle wipes to wipe you down all over. Mummy would put baby oil all over your skin after your had dried because you were broken out in bits of your skin weren't you. We didn't ever want you sore.
Mummy would be on a high chair beside your special cot everyday, she would need to be careful of all the wires and tubes, but she always was. She would spend the days singing to you, and reading you your nursery rhyme books. Mummy would sing 'round and round the garden' and you knew she was going to tickle you, and you would wriggle a lot when she did the 'tickle you under there' part. You liked that song. You always looked closely at Mummy's face when she sang, it was one of you favourite things to do I think.
You liked your mobile being played, and you liked your little mirror that Mummy had hung on your cot beside you, the little mirror with the sheep and piglets on, you would smile when it played it's tune.
Mummy tried her best to keep you busy, she didn't want you getting bored. You were getting bigger and you needed to be entertained, you needed things to do. So Mummy tried her best to keep your days busy, and keep your room lively, because it was such a quiet room and Mummy hated the silence of it some days, and so did you.
This day that is replaying over in my mind though was when the nurse said I could hold you for the first time in a week.
Daddy was on his way over, he'd had to go to work, so Mummy was there with you by herself, with your nurse. Mummy felt sad that Daddy hadn't arrived yet, but this was a chance to give you a cuddle, so Mummy took it. daddy arrived later on, and Mummy told him all about it. Daddy was sad that he missed the cuddle but he knew how important it was to Mummy xxx
The nurse that was looking after you was Maureen. She was very nice and very gentle with you. She knew that Mummy was 'Mummy' and that Daddy was 'Hairy face', and she used to call us those names, do you remember?.
She asked if Mummy wanted a cuddle. Of course Mummy wanted a cuddle. It had been a whole week since I'd held you, a whole week that I'd tried to keep you busy by singing and reading and playing with your toys, but that didn't ever compare to holding you.
Maureen got a big comfy chair for Mummy to sit on and there was 2 pillows so Mummy could prop you up in her arms gently. She got Mummy to sit down and she called in another nurse to help her. Mummy watched while they gave you suction down your nose and mouth tube so you could breath a bit more easily, because they knew as soon as they moved you that all the bubbles would come up and they would make it hard for you to breath. You would get noisy breathing once you were moved and you would need suction to clear you out again to help you. So this day Maureen and the other nurse gave you suction and they attached the 'hand-bag'. That's the green bag that they used to attach to your ventilator when you were being moved, the one that they would squeeze and it would help you breath, it was like a ventilator but they had to do it by hand. The other nurse did the green bag, while Maureen placed a blanket over Mummy's arms and cushions. Mummy started to cry and said she was sorry for crying but it had been a whole week and she hadn't held you. She wanted to hold you. They understood though Haydon and they said Mummy was allowed to cry, it was a big day.
They asked Mummy if she was ready and Mummy said yes. So they lifted you up, being careful with all your wires and your tubes and still using the green bag to help you breath, and they placed you in Mummy's arms. Mummy let out a big sob but she tried not to cry more. It was so special getting a cuddle from you and she didn't want to spoil it. The nurses attached you back to your ventilator so you could breath easier and so Mummy could hold you all on her own. You were watching Mummy so closely, you were looking right up at her, and you smiled. You smiled your beautiful smile, and Mummy knew that you wanted this too.
Mummy held you in her arms talking to you and cuddling you very gently for a while. At some times the nurses needed to give you suction while you were in Mummy's arms and Mummy wouldn't look away because you would get upset if she did that, so she would watch you getting suction and being made a bit more comfortable breathing, then she would wrap you up in your blanket again and just hold you. Taking big smells of you. I had missed holding you. You still fitted perfectly in my arms, I could hold all of you close to me xx I wanted to hold you forever. But you were getting tired and you were falling asleep in Mummy's arms, so we had to put you back in your cot, so you could rest properly.
that day was the first day where she held you at Yorkhill, but everyday after that Mummy held you or Daddy held you. Even Granny held you there.
Precious moments, but hard moments Haydon. They make Mummy cry because she wanted to hold you so much, and she did. Mummy wants to hold you now, and she can't.
I love you my baby boy, I just truly do forever, I never needed a special reason, I just needed you. xxxxx
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