Hullo baby boy,
Today has been an emotional day. The holiday is over, we came home, back to our house and you're not here. That is always hard.
Back to reality. Although reality was never far from our minds. You were never far from our minds.
The holidays have been very mixed, but you will know that because Mummy spoke to you all the time. Daddy did too.
Our arrival at the holiday place was trouble free, until Mummy emptied her bag and the pictures of you that Mummy had taken along with us had gotten soaked by a leaking bottle of water and all your photos were stuck together. Mummy cried, but we managed to fix them and had them standing up on the little ledge in the room. We were glad we could save them because we didn't want a whole week of not seeing your beautiful little face.
The resort we were staying in was lovely, we were treated so well. The food was great, the pools were lovely, we were only a few footsteps away from the beach. Beautiful location, and glorious sunshine. Sometimes too hot to be in and walking around in, but we kept ourselves busy and saw as much of the island as we could in the time we were there.
There were lots of people walking around with pregnancy bumps at our hotel, and that was hard especially when Mummy and Daddy are still getting their heads round the idea of never having another bubba like you in my tummy. I kept thinking about those ladies on holiday, and worrying for their babies getting too hot in their tummies, and one mummy had bad sun burn all over her tummy. That made Mummy annoyed to see that, because she should have been taking better care of her bubba bump.
When Mummy and Daddy stepped out of the resort it was like a different world, it was a world full of prams with parasols, and babies (lots of boys) and people carrying little babies in their arms. It made Mummy and Daddy talk about you, and how we wouldn't have taken you to Cyprus at that time of year, it was far too hot, it also made us talk about how much we missed you, and how we wouldn't have had that holiday at all if you had been with us. Happy-sad. The only way to describe it. It put us off going out some days.
We were aware of babies everywhere. We were aware of baby toys in all the markets and stalls. We tried hard to stay in places where the babies wouldn't be at, that wasn't always an easy job.
One day it got so bad that Mummy and Daddy went out for a big drink and Mummy drank too much. You've heard Mummy say forever that she hardly ever drinks, well this one night we had so much, too much. Mummy was so ill. She was so sick. She tried to drown out all the sadness for you that day by drinking lots. Mummy can't even remember getting back to the hotel that night, and that has never happened in Mummy's life before. She has never drank THAT much before. That was how sad Mummy was that day. The next day was ruined because Mummy wasn't feeling too great, so we didn't go far, we just relaxed at the pool.
Mummy and Daddy both felt that we had made the right decision going to an adults only hotel, because sometimes we just needed to be able to escape. It's not because we don't like children anymore, we just really hurt when we see families and little babies, and see people doing family things that we would be doing with you. It's easier not to have that around us all the time sometimes if we are feeling a bit wobbly.
Mummy got upset during the week and cried so hard because she was missing you. You must have heard Mummy saying how much she was missing you, and asking why you hadn't shown us superman anywhere or the Bertie Train, because it was half way through the holiday and we hadn't seen any signs that you were with us anywhere. But you listened. And that day Mummy and Daddy found the superman toy at the market (it even has a rock fist!!) so we bought it for your forever space, and then we saw lots of people wearing superman tops. That night as it was getting dark we saw the Bertie Train, so you and your friends had all come along to see us in Cyprus. This made Mummy and Daddy feel better. We needed those signs. We both needed to know you were near, and we were able to relax a little bit more after this.
We did lots of sight-seeing and went on nice walks. Another night we had a sunset boat trip where there was a music show and a meal on board with fireworks - it was so pretty and special to see. We heard your song being played in between the music bands. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for coming along too.
Cyprus is a beautiful place. we saw so much and there are still places we want to explore so we will go back another time, The people there were lovely, and made Mummy and Daddy so welcome. We didn't tell anyone about what happened to you, we couldn't. Even when people were chatting to us about their kids and saying they were staying with their grannies. We just said we had a son too. We didn't give more detail than that. Those people were trying to have a happy holiday, and they didn't need to know that Mummy and daddy were feeling happy-sad.
Yet again, the realisation that no matter where in the world we are ....we need you and want you with us. We wish things could be different and that you could have been with us, or waiting for us to come home.
This life just doesn't hold the same spark that it did before Haydon. We try. We keep trying. But we still miss you an awful sore bit bubba.
The flight home was hard. We were placed in seats next to the extra leg room part and 4 mummies and daddies kept walking up and down with their babies in their arms. The little ones were around the same age you would have been, it made us think of you. Mummy got so upset seeing it for the whole flight, and hid her face beside daddy until the tears stopped. Daddy said he was finding that hard too, he was emotional too.
Granny sent Mummy a text when she got of the plane, saying that she has been up to see you and tidied up your flowers and cleaned up your gifts. We will always have our son. We will always have you. We will always be taking care of you and your forever bed. Not in the way we would want though and that still breaks our hearts.
We love you, we just do. All the way to Cyprus and back, and straight up to heaven to give you the biggest kiss.
The hurdle of not having you is too high for us to jump. We will never be able to jump that high. Ever.
xxxxxx
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