At The Docs.....

Well Bubba,

Mummy was at the doctors again this morning.  Another appointment where she was completely honest and the doctor was so lovely and understanding.  She asked Mummy if the appointments are helpful.  Mummy replied that they are because for that short time in her room she knows it's ok to still feel like this, and that she doesn't expect anything different.  The Doc doesn't want less though, because less would mean that Mummy was back to how she was a couple of months ago.
Mummy spoke about how time is passing and most people are expecting her to feel a bit better, and to pick herself up more, and even to think about going back to work, and to stop thinking and dwelling.  But Mummy doesn't know how to pick herself up and get moving, and the doctor understands that.  The doctor said that Mummy's history is awful and heartbreaking and that she is hurting for more than just the loss of you, but mainly for you.

Mummy spoke about the Mental health Questionnaire that she had to fill in for the appointment with the Psychiatric Team tomorrow.  Mummy cried because she is worried about the long term stigma of being so low.  She wishes that she didn't understand these forms and wishes that she could have filled it in without knowing what it all meant.   Mummy was crying because she knows that the answers are so negative, and paint a very bleak picture, but she was honest.  The doctor was glad that she was honest.  The doctor explained that for this treatment to work properly, Mummy needs to be honest.  Mummy has been honest.  But Mummy is frightened that she is no longer that strong person who was able to get through anything, and she is worried what the impact will be for the rest of her life, and the stigma of needing so much help.  But I am trying to put all that out my head bubba, because I know I need this help.

Mummy took along a couple of photographs of you today so the doctor could see who Mummy was missing.  the doctor said you were gorgeous and she could see why Mummy's heart was broken.  The doctor said she wants Mummy to be able to look at all your pictures and see your beauty and not see your suffering quite so much.  That is one of her aims.  That Mummy can celebrate the time she had with you.  The doctor said this is going to be the hardest road of my life, but she will help me through it.

I am trusting these people to help me Haydon.  I have to hope that they will help me.  I don't have a choice.  Feeling this way isn't fun.  It's exhausting.  It is draining.

I miss you.  The doctor said that's ok.  The doctor said that's expected and she wold worry if I felt otherwise.

The doctor said she saw me yesterday walking down the street, walking past the funeral car that was parked at the undertakers.  She said that she held her breath when she saw me walking past it, she felt for me, she understood how Mummy would feel.  Mummy explained that she was on her way up to see you and give you your superman toy.  Your holiday souvenir. The doctor said that was a lovely idea.

She knows I'm not good Haydon.  She knows I'm not coping without you.  She knows though that I am trying.  She knows I never stop trying.

I'm back to see her in a few weeks and she wants to know all about my appointment tomorrow because she said it will be really hard.

I love you bubba.  I just do.  I miss you bubba.  I will forever, but the doctor said that's ok xxxxxx