Hi Bubba,
Mummy went for the counselling yesterday. It was meant to be post trauma counselling but it was nothing like it. Mummy felt uneasy about the whole thing, the lady was saying things that weren't helpful....
She knows lots of diabetics who have had babies successfully, even she is type 1 and managed it without issue.
Her friend had a baby 10 weeks early because he was already 7lbs, and he is absolutely fine.
She has a 4 month old grandaughter and she can't imagine her life without her.
She couldn't do anything to help, she could only listen. I talk and she listens.
She couldn't think what to say to help me, time is the only thing that will help.
Someone who hasn't been able to have a child would envy the few months I had with you.
So Mummy called the doctor when she got home, well it was after I'd popped up to see you and had a chat with you, and then I called the surgery. I got an emergency appointment for today.
The doctor was lovely. She shook her head with her head in her hands and said " nooo nooo, god she didn't noo"....she absolutely understands that one thing was missing yesterday, compassion. Make that two things, understanding . Make that three, advice. No make that four, support was missing too.
She understood bubba, she was annoyed that the referral hadn't been read properly and that I'd been given an Occupational Therapist to support me by listening, when I need more than that now. After 20 weeks, I need more than that now. The doctor understands that I could talk to anyone, I could sit anyone down in front of me and talk about you and all you went through. I could cry desperately in front of people and beg for help. But they won't help me. I need someone specific, or a specific service, to help me, to give me tips when I'm feeling that low, to help me to train my brain so that when I have certain thoughts they don't destroy me, I can ride them instead. the doctor understood that I don't want to just live, I want to feel alive, somehow.
She gets it. So she is re-referring me to the services, to the top guy. Unfortunately Mummy knows him through work Haydon, but I don't have a choice. I need help from the right people. I need to put my professional head and feelings, and my pride aside, I need to try and face my future and continue without you, regardless of who I need to speak to on my way to get there. I don't care anymore. I just want to feel better. Or a bit better. Or more positive. Somehow. I need to be able to move forward with you in my head and heart but not in the aching way that I am just now. I know grief is a deep wound that needs to heal, but I need to be able to heal enough to be able to see a positive in you being with us for all that time, and suffering for most of that time, I want to be able to look at all of your photographs, I want to speak about you with pride and talk about the comical things you used to do. I don't want to keep replaying you crying, and your sad face, and you hurting, and holding you to let you go. After 20 weeks of replaying all of this i'm so tired bubba. I am tired and I miss you. I am tired and I cry for you. I am tired and I want you back. I am tired and I need you with me. I am tired.....but I need to find a way forward.
Mummy is going to church tonight. I am not in the greatest of places but I need to go, because I know if I don't go I will withdraw again, I will stop, I will get into a cycle of not going again and I won't be able to break it. So I will go. For that few hours I will be strong.
I love you with all of my heart Haydon. I will never ever understand why life had to be so flipping cruel to you, and so flipping cruel to Mummy and Daddy. And I will never understand why all of your family has to feel that pain of missing you. All of us miss you.
You were every breath I took bubba. I feel suffocated. I need to breath again, somehow I will breath again with you in my heart.
i love you bubba, I just do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx you hold my heart in your hands all the way up in heaven xxxx <3
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