My Elephant

I can't sleep.  Again.  This has now become the normal for me.

I never used to have trouble sleeping, I never used to have trouble switching off my brain, but now I have trouble with both.

I have been reading about another angel mummy, and how things are for her now that her poorly son has become an angel.  It is amazing how similar the journey is for angel parents, regardless of where in the world we live, or how many friends we had before we lost our child.  Distance and Culture don't seem to make any difference at all when you son or daughter grows their wings, most people all react in the same way.

This mummy that I was reading about, she lost her son 4 weeks ago now.  She is aware that her friends are not the same group of people now.  She is also aware that her usual close friends are not in much contact.  She is aware, sadly, that her son is one of those uncomfortable conversations that people would prefer to avoid.
Why is this?
Why does this happen?

Is this a case of 'an elephant in the room'? Do people just struggle with words? Do they just not know what to say? Do they care? When will be the right time to make the contact?

I know already that if this mummy lived nearer to me I would be making the effort to go and see her and let her speak about her son.  I would do this because I know she would be comfortable with me talking about my son and his experiences.  Why is it that most people can't do that.  Why is it that so many people say "I'm there" and "I'm here for you" and they're not.  How many people make promises of "I'll come and see you and have a coffee", and then they don't.
I am not writing this blog to have a go at people, nor to make people upset, but I just don't get it.  I don't understand why all those offers amount to nothing.  I can count on one hand the people who have made an offer and followed it through.  I am so aware of the friends and family members who don't mind me talking about my son, the friends and family members who will offer to meet me and let me talk about Haydon, and the things I still need to do for him, like buying his headstone.  Fair enough, it's not a pleasant topic, I accept that.  But it is something that is happening in my life.  I can't pretend otherwise.  Is this why? Is it because I'm not happy and cheerfully looking forward to something?  Is that why most of the offers amount to nothing?

I can accept awkwardness so far as a reason for not making contact, I can also accept that words might be hard to find, but 16 weeks and 4 days on I struggle to believe that some people still have very little to say to me.  I still have difficulty imagining that the elephant in my room is still so big that it is still easier to avoid me and avoid stepping round it.
I can't step away from my elephant.  I have to walk with him every day.  I have to hold him as close as I can because I actually don't want this elephant to leave.  This elephant will be with me forever, as much as he may interrupt other conversations, or interrupt plans, or cause me tears at a really awkward time.  I can't change this.  This elephant is now part of my life, and I need to try and make friends with him.
My elephant has a name, his name is Haydon.  He will be with me forever, I have realised this, I want this, I need this.  I need to be able to talk about my elephant.  I need to be able to make room for my elephant at any dinner table, or any night out.  I need to be able to take my elephant on the bus, and to the shops, and to work with me when I eventually feel strong enough to do that.  At any time someone may ask about my elephant and I may get upset, but I will always be grateful that you asked about my elephant in the first place.  You just need to learn to overlook my tears, and accept that my elephant is my constant companion, and some days he's a heavy weight.

I feel for new parents going through this same journey.  I feel for them because the child that was once spoken about and celebrated, becomes another elephant.  I don't want any parents to feel that their child is an awkward elephant in a room.  I hate this.

I remember one angel mummy telling me that this grief is the loneliest one that there is.  She is right. 
16 weeks and 4 days on, and Jim and I are still spending most days alone with our elephant.

Some days are very lonely.  I could be in a crowded room, but if noone wants to acknowledge my elephant then that also becomes a lonely place.

Thank you to those people who come into my home, and into my life as it is now, and give my elephant a hug.  Thank you for those people that speak my elephants name.  His name is Haydon. 

and I love him with all my heart and I will forever.  Because I just do. What is your elephants name? <3