Tattoo Tribute. I Miss You.

Today it has been 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days since I lost you.
Today I hate the number 3.
Mummy has been slow to start this morning Haydon, she woke up and didn't want to get up, so she stayed in bed a lot longer than she would have.
I am still not dressed.  It is one of those days where I am lost in the memory of you, lost in the remembering.
I have been out of bed for nearly 2 hours, but I have only now stopped day-dreaming.

The post has arrived.  There is a letter there for me to call about starting my Post Trauma Counselling.  I am glad it has arrived so soon, but I am also frightened.  This means that I will need to find the courage to talk about your journey again with someone new, I will need to speak aloud the images that get replayed over in my brain.  I will phone though, because I need this help.

I have been thinking about my tattoo tribute to you this morning, in amongst all my usual 'missing you' thoughts.  I am so proud of my new tattoo. 
I searched for the right artist, because it needed to be perfect, the work needed to be perfect.  I spoke with him about the meaning behind the tattoo, and he really took that on board, he has really thought about my words and my love for you.  The tattoo is beautiful.  The artist made the Mums hair the same colour as mine.  He drew on less hair for you because I told him you didn't have a lot of hair.  He added roses, because I told him I always give you red roses, because these symbolize unconditional love, and that is what I have for you.  I don't think any other artist could have made my tattoo for you look as perfect.  Matt is still working on the tattoo, because I want more roses for you, I want my back filled with roses for my son, for you.  I want my back to be a visual symbol of my love for you, and my unconditional and ever lasting love.  It won't have bold colours, it will just be simple in black and grey, like my love for you.
It will be the masterpiece that it deserves to be. 
Aunty Cheryl has a beautiful tattoo for you now too.  I hope you can see how much love everyone has for you bubba xxxxx

I miss you.  The 'missing you' doesn't get easier.  I still think about you every second of every day.
I heard little birds in the garden yesterday and their little squawks reminded me of you.  Reminded me how you used to cry as soon as you opened your eyes after a sleep, your 'wake up wail'.  That's what we used to call it.  Your 'wake up wail'.
I miss hearing that.  I miss comforting you as soon as your eyes open.
Time is never going to change all of these feelings, all of this love, all of these memories.
But time is helping me to pull myself together a little bit more.  One day at a time.

Mummy was in your room yesterday, I still find that hard.  I was looking for your little box to put another of your feathers in.  But my eyes were drawn to your little drawer full of shoes.  Shoes you will never wear.  Shoes that were gifts from people who love you too.
This isn't getting easier either.  A room full of you, but I still don't have the strength to empty it.
Dad now keeps some of his bike clothes in the room, because he said he feels sad going in there, so he is forcing himself through that door every day.  Neither of us have the strength to tidy it up though.  We wonder if we will ever have that strength.

I feel sad today, well in truth I feel sad everyday.  But today is one of those days where you are heavy on my mind, like a fist clenching my heart, a day where my grief for you and my love for you, and the missing you really hurts.  Deeply hurts.

I love you bubba, and I believe you always knew that.  I will love you forever, because I just do. <3