4 months on....

Hello my gorgeous bubba,

In ten minutes time, it will be a new day.  It will be the 6th of August.  Four months since you had to go.
I still replay that day over, like it was yesterday.
I still remember giving you permission to go, telling you that Mummy and Daddy would be ok.  We told you that you shouldn't suffer anymore, we told you not to fight anymore.  I told you a lie Bubba.  We are not ok.  We will never be ok.
Today was a bit mixed when I woke up.  I cried hard for you but then I managed to get on top of myself, although I couldn't get dressed until 5pm.  I went up to see Granny and Grandad and they have lovely chimes for you from their holidays so Mummy will take them up to you tomorrow.
Everyone still misses you, everyone still thinks about you, everyone still hurts for you.
But Mummy and Daddy ache for you.
Then when Mummy came home she was looking for her suitcase, and she opened up the cupboard in your room just incase it was there.   She saw something red and white and just knew it was your Elmo babygro with the red soles on the feet.  As I reached in and pulled it up, there was a blue babygro fell to the floor.  It was your Thomas The Tank Engine babygro with the red stripey bit on the bottom, the little tunnel bit.  We used to laugh about you wearing your tunnel bum babygro,  Do you remember?
Mummy fell apart Haydon.

When will this 'missing you' get easier.
When will I be able to lift up clothes that you wore and smile at the memory instead of cry.
When will I be able to open that cupboard door and enjoy the smell of you in there, instead of it breaking my heart.
When will I be ok going into your room in the first place.
It breaks my heart though Haydon, because as much as we decorated that room for you, you were never in there.  When you were home you spent your time in Mummy and Daddy's room in your moses basket, or in the livingroom with us, or on your swing, or lying playing on the sofa, or getting cuddles from Mummy and Daddy.  That room was meant for you though.  We decorated that room for you.  We bought and framed those Disney pictures for you.  We put the Animal Train on the walls, for you.  Mummy framed all of your scan pictures, and there were lots, for you to see when you were bigger.
Now that room is a big mess, a big guddle of things, because we just open the door and dump things, we don't cope being in that room and 'seeing'.  Even though you were never in there.

Mummy and Daddy speak about the future and how we can make it bearable now.  We talk about more children, although Mummy can't carry any more in her tummy.  But we just want you.  At the moment we don't think we would want any more babies in the house, because they wouldn't be you.
Will the 'needing you' ever pass Haydon. 
Mummy saw a lady today pushing her pram in the village.  Mummy used to see her at hospital when she was carrying you.  We were due around the same time.  The lady smiled a big beaming happy contented smile at Mummy.  Mummy couldn't smile back, her heart was breaking.  I used to have that same smile.  Mummy wondered why the lady smiled like that at her, surely she knows about you?

Mummy and Daddy are going to try and get another trip away, we need to get away.  We need to have some time just the two of us again.  We will be taking you along for the travel with us.  We don't know where we will be going yet, but we will be going somewhere, anywhere.

Mummy still feels low, but she hasn't had quite as many days where she hasn't wanted to stay with Daddy.  There have been a couple of dark times though.  Tonight was another one of those times.
Mummy will be back at the doctors tomorrow to chat about how things are.

Nothing is different.  I still miss you.  I still love you more than I love my life.  I still cry everyday, sometimes all day, I've not yet had a day where I don't cry for you at all.
But my mask stays up longer, or better, when people are around.  I am still broken inside though baby, and I don't think anything will fix that.

I love you Haydon, I miss you so much.  Mummy wishes things could be different.  I don't know why we weren't allowed to keep you.  We were a happy family, in amongst all of your hurting bubba.

It is now quarter past 12.  It is now properly 4 months since you had to go.  Nothing will ever make that right.

Mummy loves you, she just does xxxxxxxxxx More than I could ever tell you, or find the words for. <3