Is there a trigger...or is the trigger 'you'?

It's now 2 weeks since I started that dreaded prescription, the pill that held the promise of helping me to cope with losing my son.  If you had asked me 2 weeks ago if this pill would help, I would have said 'doubtful', but ask me today and I would reply 'I think it does'.

Particularly the last 2 weeks I have been able to get myself out the house more, I have walked my dogs further on my own, I have started new 'groups' and am re-starting others.
I have began to make contact with people whom I had difficulty contacting before.  Still don't feel able or strong enough to contact work, but that will be a different hurdle to jump.
In the last 2 weeks, I have re-entered 'life', I have taken steps to introduce myself to new people as me, 'Helz', not just 'that woman who has lost her son'....as much as Haydon is still in my brain 24/7, I am a little more able to communicate with people than I was 2 weeks ago.
Is that natural healing, or is this pill induced? I would probably select the latter as an explanation, but who knows.

I have had moments in the last 2 weeks that have been almost 'happy', almost 'enjoyable', I have come home after these moments and felt a sense of achievement.  I have faced some 'new' fears, I have been 'stronger'.
I have attended church and been surrounded by lots of people in one go, I coped, I wouldn't have coped with that a few weeks ago.
I have made steps to look at headstones.  I still struggle with this, with the idea of my son's name being on stone, but I am coping.
I have had the dogs home everyday for 2 weeks now. I had to make a decision about risking their long term health and having them home part time only, or getting them home and properly managing their food intake and their walks.  I chose the latter.  This is also a change.

I have been invited to a child's birthday part next weekend.  Will I be strong enough?
I have been invited to a wedding anniversary celebration party? Will I go?
At the moment, my answer would probably be no.  I feel I have stepped forward enough times for a week.  I am moving forward, but I am not moving too quickly.
I have faced 2 milestones in the last week.  My son would have been 7 months.  I have now lost him longer than I had him in my arms.  Those were massive, huge, ginormous hurdles, and although I was very low on a couple of those days...I am still here.  I didn't beg to be with Haydon.  That too is different.

This week has been busy, well busier than my weeks usually are.  Part of me feels like I arranged too much, but the other part of me feels proud that I have faced the world so much in a week.  I am being selective about what I do and where I go, and also who will be with me/meeting me.  I am not ready for 'everyone', but I can do some people.  That is a huge change, and although I may fear situations like this now, I will try to go.  I will try to be strong enough.  I hope this continues.
I am going to Zumba tonight.  I haven't been to Zumba since I was pregnant with Haydon.  I used to be a Zumba addict.  I am going to a class that is further away from my usual group.  My friend who is the Zumba instructor is picking me up and taking me along with her.  I thank her for encouraging me to return back to something that was 'me', something I enjoyed.  I am already nervous at the thought of it.  I have already questioned her about what songs we will be dancing to, so I don't get a fright when or if a Haydon song comes on.  She will look after me, and so will mini-me, who is going along with me to hold my hand.

Today though, what has happened? Why is it today that I am having a really teary day? Why am I crying and finding it hard to stop? Has there been a trigger? Has something happened to make me feel Haydon's loss more today than yesterday?
I think the truthful answer is 'no'.  It's just one of those days.
One of those days where every thing reminds me of my son.  One of those days where I hear his songs and I cry.  One of those days where I need to smell his clothes and feel the comfort of that scent. One of those days where the agony is massive and the day is a challenge.  One of those days where I miss the touch of him, the sound of him.

My lovely husband has just called to say he's on his way home from work to give me a big hug.  He understands how I am today, because he feels these days too.

One of those days where we miss him.  Miss our Haydon.  Miss our son.

I always miss him, but I've come to realise that the pills have helped me to cope.  I have come to realise that the agonies I saw him suffer still hurt enormously, but are more bearable.  I have a crutch now, where I never needed one before.  I worry about this.

I miss you bubba, I really really do.  I love you bubba, I just really really do.

Come visit me and Dad soon <3 xxxxxx