Since losing my son I have really come to value, and evaluate many things. I need to do this because I need to find purposes for life, I need reasons to keep trying, I need reasons to get back up from my knees and continue. I need to hold on tightly to those things that help. But I may also need to let go of those things that don't. I need reasons for living.
I have been feeling so lost, and I still am lost. I am confused and conflicted by so many things. I am finding myself again, creating a new 'me'. I am trying to sort out my muddled thoughts so that I know which foot I will need to put forward first.....
I value people.
I would struggle without some of my relationships. I need my Family. I need my Mum and Dad. I need my Sisters and my Brothers, I need my Nieces and Nephews, I need my Papa. I need my Dogs. I value them all more than ever.
I have witnessed the vulnerability of life again. I have seen once more, and been reminded, how quickly a precious flame can go out.
That phrase "you don't know what you've got till it's gone". It is absolutely true. I have learned that I need to absolutely cherish those people in my life, and hold them close. Form memories with them, and take lots of photographs. Share their experiences, their dreams, their highs and also their lows. Maybe the lows are the most important to share, because you always remember who helped to pick you up after a fall.
Because I know it can disappear in a flash, I have seen this with my own eyes.
I have grown closer to some of my Cousins, and Aunts. A couple of them I was close to already, but the loss of Haydon has rocked everyone, and this has cemented our relationships even more now.
Friendship means sharing the good, the middling and the bad stuff. It means being there at times of need, being there to lend a helping hand, it means being a shoulder to cry on or to laugh on, it means sacrificing yourself at times. It also means sharing interests and hobbies, sharing drinks and ideas. But Friendship is precious and so important when you're in grief. I have always known this and appreciate this, and I have always tried to be a supportive friend in the past. I value those people who are doing the same for me and Jim.
I have grown closer to some of my long term Friends, but sadly I have grown further apart from others.
I have created new Friendships. Some Mummies that I met at the Neonatal Unit, one at Yorkhill. They are precious because they all knew my son, they knew me. They witnessed parts of our journey, and I shared parts of theirs. Bonds were created, and emotions were shared. I hold them close to my heart.
I have befriended some Mummies that I have met on forums and child loss websites. Some lovely ladies at SANDS, who are also living with the loss of their child. I truly value them, because they understand this journey completely, they also feel this struggle, this depth. They reach out a hand at times when its hard to stay afloat. I would be lost without them, and I try and repay the same friendship to them.
Possessions don't matter really, or items of my wardrobe. Not my computer, not my makeup and straighteners, or my jewellery, not even my cd collection or my books. I lived without all of these things whilst on my 4 month Haydon journey. I don't need them. They may help to make the days pass, or provide me a vehicle for communication now. But I can live without them.
I learned that I can survive with no tv, no cd's or books, no gigs or shows, no pubs or clubs. I learned I can live without a lot of money.
I realised very quickly after losing my son, that I have lost some tolerance, I have no time for petty issues, or arguments, or battles of wills, or selfishness. I now struggle with insensitivity and lack of thought. I struggle with silence.
I cherish kind words, kind thoughts, good wishes, encouraging comments, understanding, compassion, acknowledgement, comforting words or thoughtful gestures. Empathy is important. I learned that I need people to be sincere, and honest. I have learned that these aren't just important for me, but for everyone.
I learned that our experiences go a long way to mould who we are. To get love in our hearts we need to learn to give it first. To gain respect, we must respect others first. To be valued, we must value others first. This applies to any 'life' attribute or quality.
I have learned that some people find it hard to acknowledge that some losses run deeper, are more raw, and are more destructive than others. Some losses won't ever make 'sense', you can't always find a reason, or find logic...or find peace. Grief isn't a competition, and everyone's grief is their own. Everyone's grief is their worst grief. I have learned though, that there ARE different levels of grief, because I have experience of this. Even if not everyone is able to acknowledge or accept this as fact, I am relieved they haven't experienced 'this' kind of grief.
Ask any Angel Mummy and she will tell you, there is nothing else in the world that could ever be as bad as this. .
I cherish my husband. He helps me to get up in a day, or holds me close when I can't. I do the same for him. When he cries, I wipe his tears. He wipes mine.
We have another link that bonds us together. We have been through TOO much together, but we are close together. This experience that could have torn us apart, is like the stickiest glue.
We have been brought closer because of our son. Haydon was so brave and courageous, and he helped us to be this way, at that time, for him. We shared our son and all these memories, and all our moments together as a family. Noone else saw the struggle and fight like we did. We held each other up. We looked after each other as best we could, while looking after Haydon. We still do.
But mostly I cherish my son and his memory. I am protective of him, even now. I guard all of his clothes, photographs, and belongings that still hold the smell or memory of my son, these are irreplaceable.
I will honour my son forever. I will defend him forever. I will be proud of him forever. I will love him forever.
Those people in my life that are going out of their way to pull me to my knees, Thank you.
I love you too. I just do xxxxx
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