The Rollercoaster

Somedays, most days, everyday, is an emotional rollercoaster.


You wake up and step on the ride, you cry, you feel loss, heartbreak, longing and dread.
As the day progresses you sometimes believe that you are finally mastering how to control it.
You might even find yourself laughing, big belly laughs, and start giggling at something you have seen or heard.
Other times you may discover that you can laugh at the same time as cry.
Sometimes, the laugh just disappears and you are left with only tears again.
This Rollercoaster is complex, it makes no sense.  You can't get a grip on it, no matter how hard you try, or think that you have.

Today has been a difficult day Bubba.  Mummy went to get her eyes checked at the opticians, she had to get the bus there.  She got on the bus ok, and emailed some people on her phone to pass the time, and to serve as a distraction so that people wouldn't come and sit beside her.  She looked busy.
There were people walking about that mummy knew, but she kept her head down and aimed straight for the flower shop.  She heard someone shout her name, but she didn't look back to see who it was.
Mummy bought you a lovely new stone for your forever bed.  As soon as she saw it, she knew it had been put in the window just for mummy to see, she had to get it for you.  I hope you like it.

The words on it were so meaningful to mummy.  We only had you for a short time, but you will be with us forever.  Although mummy does always say that the 4 months away from home, waiting for you to arrive and then seeing you go through your journey, felt like a lifetime.  It didn't feel like a short time.  It was a lifetime though, it was your lifetime.  Mummy and Daddy were with you every precious second of that lifetime.

People were starting to notice Mummy in the town.  When she was ordering some bigger prints of your photograph for your Aunties, she knew the man who came into the shop.  He didn't say much to Mummy, but he knew her from work before he retired.  He just reached to Mummy and gave her a big cuddle in the shop.  He told Mummy he had no words.
Then Mummy went to the bank, and the lady that Mummy was trying to avoid in the local bank on Friday, because she keeps saying things to 'help' but they aren't helpful, well she was there.  She asked Mummy if she was 'better yet', she told Mummy to go to the church, she told Mummy to get out more, and to live life to the fullest.  Mummy tried to be polite enough because the bank was busy.  But Mummy was annoyed, and a bit angry that this lady spoke all her business in the bank.  Mummy isn't 'better yet' nor will I ever be without you, Mummy already goes to church, Mummy doesn't go out much because each time it ends up like THIS.  Feeling upset.  Mummy can't 'live life to the fullest' ever again, because she doesn't have you.  She is trying to live first, before she makes steps to feel alive.

Then Mummy went to the Opticians, and she had to tell the lady all about you, because being diabetic and having you in her tummy could have made Mummy's eyes a bit worse.  She was very kind.  She handed Mummy a tissue when she started to cry.
It turns out that Mummy's eyes are not too bad.  Her scars from The Acanthamoeba Keratitis are still there, still prominent, and looked a bit irritated, but there is nothing that can't be fixed if Mummy uses her eye drops.  There wasn't much change in her sight.  And that is good.
So Mummy went into the main shop to pick new glasses, but there were more people that she knew.  People who were asking about you while Mummy tried some specs on.  Mummy wasn't concentrating right and was almost crying, but she kept on with the job.
But then the doors opened and a lady that Mummy had helped at work a long time ago came running in and threw her arms around Mummy saying she was sorry about you.  I thanked her, and told her that I couldn't speak just now, especially in the shop, and managed to get her away.  But by this time Mummy's heart was thumping and there was a big lump ready to turn into a big noisy scream.  So she just picked up a pair of glasses that she knew looked 'ok' at a quick glance, and rushed to get out of the shop.
Mummy cried all the way round to the bus stop.  I don't like times like that.

Mummy got so upset, she lost all her thinking, and ended up buying the same glasses as Aunty Leeann.  She doesn't mind, but Mummy feels a bit silly.

The journey home was spent hiding in my phone again, that wasn't too bad.  Then Mummy went up to your forever bed and gave you your new stone.  Your forever bed looks very pretty Haydon.  Lots of new things.  You even have a holiday souvenir to get from Aunty Elinor when she's home.  That is beautiful too, it has a lovely Angel on it.

Aunty Paula couldn't visit today.  So Mummy busied herself with other things.  There have been big sobs hiding inside of Mummy all day.  She has kept most of them in, and only let them out as tiny tears.

Mummy started to write your blog, and was having some giggles with silly pictures for her friends, and from her friends.
Aunty Amanda found a lovely picture for you, with a tatty teddy and lots of love heart balloons.  She fixed it up just for you.  It says on it 'if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever'.  It is so true baby boy.  It is so pretty.  I think of you.  I think of your teddy.  I think of you laying cuddling teddy.  I think of where you and teddy are now.
It is such a beautiful picture.  I am not sad it was made, I am happy that it was specially made.  I am happy that other people think about you, because they love and miss you too bubba.  Mummy will treasure that picture xxx

But Mummy is on that Rollercoaster.  And the ride never stops.

<3  <3  <3 Mummy loves you Bubba, she just does.  I miss you desperately Haydon.  I want you back desperately.  I wish desperately that I could hold you and rub noses.  I wish desperately that love could have saved you <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx