Mummy shares most of her blogs, but she doesn't mind if people choose not to read this one because this is about me, missing you. From me, to You <3
The dogs made a big noise during the night Haydon, I don't know what upset them. But they woke me and Daddy up and he had to go downstairs to let them up beside us. Mummy tried to find out what was wrong with them, but she doesn't know.
But Mummy was woken up from a dream. It was a dream about you. You were in a shop with a lady, and you were in your car seat. I knew you were in the shop and it was tearing me apart that I couldn't have you, so I kept trying to go down different isles trying to move away from seeing you, because it was really hurting. In my mind, in my dream, I knew I couldn't have you back. But the lady caught up with me and insisted that I needed to fix your chair, because I knew how your chair worked and she couldn't leave with you until I fixed it. I pulled some sort of lever at the side of your chair, and she thanked me. Then she walked away with you. My heart was broken, I screamed, I fell down. Even in my dreams I fell down.
I don't know what this dream means. But I woke feeling like I was losing you all over again.
I really miss you Haydon. It's an agony that you can't describe. I feel the missing you pain tearing at me from the inside, I feel my heart thump and the tears come. I still don't know how I can do a forever without you here.
Unless Mummy speaks to ladies who don't have their babies or children now, noone will ever understand how much agony the missing you pain causes.
Mummy has felt so sad yesterday and I can tell its going to be another one of those days, because the missing you, is unbearable. Mummy didn't speak much to people yesterday, what can she say that hasn't been said, what can she say that doesn't sound like a stuck record. Mummy knows this journey is becoming lonelier as time passes, because people see clocks ticking time round, and they think that helps. Not with this loss, this missing you will never get easier, I can already tell :-(
Mummy read that one of the Angel Mummies feels sad for coping, and feeling 'ok'. That made Mummy feel a bit sad too, because everyone's grief is different, and everyone's circumstances are different, and Mummy doesn't have other children that she has to be 'ok' for.
Mummy just has 4 Angel babies, and the missing you feeling for all of them, but mostly for you Haydon. Everyone has different things to cope with, and everyone finds different ways of coping.
Mummy doesn't know how to be 'ok' anymore. Mummy doesn't know how to cope. Mummy is struggling with her life, without you in it.
My soul is in agony today. I doubt I will speak much today, because this feels like one of those days that will cause me tears and howls each time I open my mouth to speak.
I carry you in my heart, my baby Haydon. I still remember how it felt to kiss you and how your skin felt under my fingers when I touched you, I still remember how it felt to hold you, I still feel the weight of you. How my hands used to be when I was holding you close, wrapping you around me, comforting you, I remember that you became much longer and I was still able to hold you just as close to me.
I still remember your smell and how I knew you were mine. Mummy hasn't forgotten your smile and how it lifted up my heart and made a big gush of happiness inside me, and your laugh that made me giggle with you. Mummy hasn't forgotten any details about how your hand felt holding onto her hand, I know all the lines that were there on your skin. Mummy remembers clearly tickling your feet, the little gap between your big toe and your little toes.
Mummy hasn't forgotten the exact colour of your hair, or the blue of your eyes. Mummy hasn't forgotten that you used to make lots of cute little babbles and noises, chatting to me, I miss hearing them.
Mummy hasn't forgotten how she felt picking you up and rubbing noses, and holding you and looking into your eyes, seeing the same love that you had for me. Seeing your trust in me. Mummy hasn't forgotten how it was talking to you, and singing to you and seeing your face with all your expressions.
Mummy remembers that she was the only one who could comfort you when you cried, and seeing you cry ripped at my heart, especially when there was no sound anymore.
Mummy remembers every single day that we had with you, every minute of the 3 1/2 months. Our lifetime with you, and your lifetime with us.
Mummy hasn't forgotten Mummy felt whole. Mummy felt complete. Mummy isn't complete anymore.
I am missing you. :-(
I will always be missing you :-(
I will always have that pain in my heart that I can't describe :-(
I will hold onto all of those memories untiI can't hold onto them anymore, and by then I will be in heaven beside you, holding you again.
No more words. Nothing can describe this pain. I will close my eyes and hope that you feel my love <3
I love you Bubba, I just do, absolutely <3 xxxxxxxxxxx
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