Sometimes.....

I will probably keep adding to this as time passes, because the list is endless.

Sometimes...

I wonder what I did to deserve this suffering

I wish I had never wanted you, been pregnant with you, because then I wouldn't know what it was like to lose you

I cry so much I think I'll stop breathing

I feel my heart is breaking when I see your Daddy cry

I wonder if you being poorly was my fault

I wonder why it was you that had to go

I wish I could have gone instead of you

I wish I could just go too and be beside you

I miss your smell so much

I worry that I will forget all the special things about you

I wonder if you are here, visiting me

I wonder if I will ever start to feel 'better'

I wish people wouldn't ask me how I am

I am amazed at how thoughtless some people are, and sometimes I'm not

I wonder what my life would be like if you were still here

I hate buying flowers, when I should be buying toys

I can't believe its been 15 weeks since I held you

It feels like forever since I kissed you

I find it hard to believe you were ever here, until I see my caesarian scar

I remember how you suffered and I want to die

I remember how you suffered and I feel proud of you

I wish I could have changed things for you

I wonder if you know how much we miss you

I wonder if you knew how much we loved you

I hate that our whole family is devastated because you couldn't stay

I remember your smile and I smile

I remember your smile and I cry

I can't get out of bed

I can't stay in bed because I know you wouldn't want me to

I smell your clothes for hours and can't speak

I can't look at your photographs because the memories hurt

I wonder if I will ever celebrate you being here

I wonder if I will ever be strong again

I wonder why people think I'm strong

I miss you more than I have words for

Hours pass and I don't realise I've been daydreaming about you for hours

I hear you suck on your tongue, and cherish it

I wonder if you are with your other angel siblings

I wonder if I was evil in a last life

I don't know how I'm going to get through a day, never mind a lifetime

I wonder when I'll feel brave enough to confront the doctors

I want to be able to chat about you without tears falling down my face

I wish other people could feel this level of hurt, even for an hour, so they would have an idea of how I feel

I wonder why in this day and age, any of us lose our children

I wonder if I'll ever be happy again

I wonder what job I can possibly do now

I wonder if I'll ever be able to hold and cuddle someone else's child again

I am comforted by the wise look that was in your eyes

I fall apart because I couldn't help you

I miss the person that I was

I am upset that I am not as composed as I used to be

I am embarrassed that I can't cope with losing you, and needing help

I wish you were here in my arms, if I close my eyes I can still feel you here

I don't know how to thank people when they try to understand, and show kindness to you, even now.

I wish I could sleep without nightmares

I wish I could just sleep

I think about how close mummy and daddy are now, because we experienced all of you 'together'

I wonder if I will see you again

It breaks my heart that some people seemed to stop caring about you

I am thankful for the people who help me each day to get up and try