Your room....

Good afternoon Bubba,

Well Haydon, Mummy tried to clear out your bedroom today. Since you passed away Mummy and Daddy find it hard being in that room. Seeing all your things. But we have been throwing stuff into that room and it has become a big mess, so Mummy wanted to clear it all up. Put the things that she's keeping of yours in an airtight bag.

At first mummy was ok, she sorted out all the maternity clothes and put them in a bag. She put some more of your teddies up on your shelf for now, and then she started opening up your little drawers to look through and keep your special things.

This was when Mummy found it all too much Bubba :-(

She found a little sock first of all, one that you had worn when they were far too big for you, the ones that went right up to the top of your thighs, she put that back in the drawer because its not a pair. Mummy took a deep breath and decided to carry on trying.

Then she opened up your second drawer and found your lacey white blanket with the puppy dogs on it. The smell of you burst out of that drawer and rushed up to Mummy's nose. Mummy was crying Bubba the smell of you made her remember you being all wrapped up and cosy in it. Mummy put it in the special bag.

But then Mummy found your little dungarees, the ones with the doggy face on, they are so tiny. Mummy remembered opening up that present for you, and then she took it into hospital so you could wear something different from your babygro's. Mummy remembered how cute you looked in them, so she put them in the special bag.

Mummy tried to lift more clothes out one by one, but with each piece of your clothing there was a memory of opening up that present, or buying them in the shop, there was the memory of you wearing them, the noises you made when you were wearing them when Mummy would tell you how handsome you looked, there were memories of taking your photograph wearing them, there were memories of chats with people about those clothes, like your little navy 'milktray baby' babygro that Mummy was going to send to the nurse in the Neonatal unit, do you remember?

But worst of all there was the memory of holding you close, kissing you and smelling your smell.

Mummy fell down to the floor bubba :-( she fell down and was screaming and crying and was so upset because she wants you back. Mummy realised that this wasn't a job she could cope with yet, so she pulled herself out of the room and shut the door. Mummy went for a lie down on the bed and cried until she stopped. :-(

Mummy will need to try again another day.

Mummy had already cleared out her book cupboard, and has put all of them into bags and boxes for second hand shops. Mummy needs to make room for all your things to be kept safe. Mummy doesn't like the idea of storing everything about you in boxes and cupboards Haydon :-(

Mummy doesn't ever want to pack our Haydon memories away.

This isn't fair bubba. Just so unfair,

Mummy just wants her boy in this world, thats all she needs.

Mummy is waiting for daddy, your favourite Hairy Face, coming in to give her a cuddle to help her feel a bit better xxxxxxxxx

I'm hugging you with my heart and crying for the memory of you my gorgeous boy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mummy loves you, she just absolutely does bubba xxxxxxxxxxxxx