The World Continues to Spin

The world continues to spin and people continue to live their lives Haydon, they get up for work, they go to the shops, they walk their dogs, just like everyday.  Mummy thinks that the world should just stand still and wait for her to start to feel better because she is finding all this time passing really hard.  Mummy still feels like its December bubba, because she was hardly home at all in 4 1/2 months.  She feels like it should be nearly christmas, and she feels that time stopped moving for her the day you were born.  We lived in your hospital bubble, we didn't know what was happening in the world.  Mummy doesn't live in that world again yet, because mummy finds it really hard to open the door and go outside because there are so many reminders of you.  If I could turn back time baby I would.  I want every single second back that we had together.  I want to feel all those cuddles and kisses and hear you moaning about the same songs being sung....mummy would give everything in the world that she has for that again xxxxxxxx  No other baby would be good enough Haydon, because you were you, and you were mine xxxxxxx

Today when I  went to SANDS I could speak about you to Ruth, she was a lovely lady and she listened to everything mummy was saying about you.  She said mummy needs to hold onto the special things about you...like when you smiled at me even when you were feeling so sad...and how you told mummy off when she sang the same song over and over and you got bored of it.  Mummy told Ruth that she is trying hard to remember all the good things about our days, but that it is still hard because mummy's heart is still so sore yet.  Mummy will go and speak about you to Ruth every week for a while.  Mummy hopes that it helps her to understand why you had to go, and why you were made to be so sore for such a long time.

You were in my life for 107 days, that was 15 weeks and 2 days, thats the same as 3 1/2 months.  It's not an awful long time bubba, but when mummy, daddy and you were in the hospital everyday it felt like we had you with us for years.  You were so precious to us, and we loved spending all our time with you.  I don't understand those people who didn't stay with their babies for very long.  Do you remember those wee people next to you who didn't have visitors all day, and then when they did it was only for an hour or two?  mummy and daddy felt so sad for them.  We couldn't leave you for any time at all could we, we were beside you as much as we could be and only left you if you were in a deep sleep.  The nurses told mummy that she should spent time doing other things, how could I? I wanted to be with you.  Because sometimes you just needed your mummy didn't you bubba...even if it was just for a squeezy cuddle.
Your skin was so perfect and soft Haydon.  Mummy was crying tonight because she is frightened that she will forget how soft your skin was, or where the wee bits on your knuckles wrinkled,or how you sucked on your tongue, and all your 'talking to us' faces....daddy said that mummy shouldn't worry and that I will remember every single little detail about you.  But mummy forgets stuff sometimes, and she cant let anything about you disappear, ever.

Mummy met Catherine the nurse from Calton room today.  She was telling me that she was so sad when she heard about you going away, because you touched her heart, and all the other nurses hearts Haydon.  Mummy found it hard to keep her tears in when she was speaking to Catherine, because the last time mummy saw her was the day we were bringing you home, that was such a happy day.  Sometimes speaking to people who had met you lots is what makes mummy cry the most, because they know how special you are and how beautiful and gentle that you are xxxxxx  Mummy didn't cry until she got home though because he was on a busy bus with Aunty Kirsty and didn't want to be upset there.

Mummy bought a gemstone today and a thing called a worry bag (it has little people in it)...Mummy is trying everything she can to stop her heart from hurting so much.  She will take it to bed with her and keep it under her pillow at night and it will catch all of her worries, the gemstone will help mummy's heart from being so sore I hope xxx Mummy knows though that the only thing that would be able to fix her is you, and I can't have you for my medicine so I'm just going to have to keep getting up everyday and getting dressed, and walking the dogs, and eating food, and doing all the boring life things because there is nothing else I can do.  Mummy hopes that with every new day she can find things to laugh at and smile at, and nice things to do.  Because at the moment mummy doesn't like her days much, and she doesn't like morning time getting up and missing you, and then going to bed knowing that another day has passed without you here in my arms baby xxxx  If I've to feel this way forever, then I am going to be wishing to be an old lady very quickly my baby boy xxxxxxxx

Mummy has got stuck on your book just now, she's at hard bits about going into hospital again.  She will try and write a bit more tomorrow if she isn't feeling so yucky xxxx

Mummy loves your lights - she went up to see them...i hope you like them too bubba xxx

Mummy loves you for always and forever.......she just does my beautiful boy xxxxxxxxx