I won't thank 'him'

What use do I have now that you're not here?

The love that I cry for, my river of tears,

I hear the birds singing, they watch from the trees,

I am trying to find you in the soft gentle breeze

I'm hoping I see your sweet face in the clouds,

new plants are growing, is this you around?

I'm clutching and grasping at all of those things

re-living each memory, that new mornings bring

the days are passing, but I still feel the same,

the rawness, the anguish, I still shout your name,

I still cry for you baby, i cry for your pain

I cry, my heart aches, I want to hold you again.

Folk show me they care, say that time will ease,

the suffering I feel. come back to me, please.

I was complete then, I was so proud,

I don't understand why I wasn't allowed,

to keep you beside me, keep your love near,

Instead I live empty, instead now I fear.

I don't have inner sunshine, or calm in a storm,

I don't have acceptance, they took you, its wrong,

if god really loved me, then why take you away

leaving me broken, crying each day

there's no reason, or logic, or sense, for this 'plan'

If he really did want this, what a cruel spiteful man

I loved you with every cell in my blood,

when you were in my arms the love came like a flood

I'd have given my soul, and bled till I died

I would have suffered your pain, I hurt when you cried

but my begging was useless, he ignored my plea's

he turned a blind eye when I fell to my knees

and fell down I did, i fell down with grief

I had god in my heart, i had my belief

but he didn't listen, he just took you away,

there's no lessons to learn, what can we say?

I won't thank him for beating my soul in this way

I won't thank him for making me hurt everyday

I won't thank him for ripping our family apart

I won't thank him for the huge hole in my heart

I wont thank him for sunshine when I don't have you

I won't thank him for flowers, what good can they do?

I won't thank him for making you suffer so bad

I wont thank him for making your daddy so sad

I wont thank him for ripping my life into shreds

I wont thank him for making my days pass with dread

I wont thank him for giving us hope in our minds

I wont thank him because he was cruel and unkind.

Mummy misses you and cries for you so much today my baby xxx I tried watching your video and I could't see you for all the tears xxxxxxxxxxxx The minutes, days, weeks, months, years, decades will pass my bubba and I will still want you here with me every single second, for always.

You are, and always will be my greatest and truest love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx you took my heart with you and you can keep it with you Haydon...my heart continued to beat only for the promise of you when mummy was poorly in hospital - you were my greatest gift, and you gave me strength to keep going from the inside.  You made me live and feel alive. 

My heart is now your gift to keep beside you for always, and when you feel it beat in your hands -  remember that mummy loves you, she just does xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx