Hey my bubba Haydon, it is 7 weeks today since you left us and Mummy and Daddy still hurt just as much today as we did that day, watching you go.
Mummy has been thinking about you all last night and this morning.
The garden is looking much more pretty and the flowers look good, but Mummy was crying planting them because it's like you have never been with us. But you have been with us. Mummy is doing the same jobs in the garden every year, and this year you should have been in your pram keeping me company. It is just so hard. Daddy was upset too. He was cooking dinner in the kitchen, and he gave Mummy cuddles when she was crying.
It was hard walking round the flower shop bubba. Mummy was remembering walking round there with you in her tummy. We met Jimi for lunch there, do you remember? Mummy saw lots of Mummies pushing their babies in the prams and trollies, she didn't want to see any of them though, so she looked away when they were walking past. I didn't want to cry in the shop, even though the tears were there waiting behind my eyes all the time. Aunty Cheryl said that she remembered the last time we were there, and Mummy asked her not to speak about it because she knew that she was going to cry for sure then. Why don't we have you bubba...it makes no sense at all....you should be here with us, we should be living all together and doing the things that families do....instead I need to write to you and I don't know if you ever get to hear any of it, and daddy talks to you and we don't know if you can hear him....this really just isn't fair.
Last night Mummy was speaking to Daddy about your c-pap hat and the straps that used to hurt your perfect little face. Mummy is remembering so many things, and she cries bubba, because most of the memories are of something else bad happening to you. I wish none of the bad stuff had ever happened to you my baby, because Mummy see's it all getting re-played over and over like an old film in her mind, I hope I don't forget anything about you, but I don't want to remember you hurting so much and crying so much about it if I am here for a long time yet. That will be so hard.
Mummy's nurse phoned yesterday, and she was upset about you. She said she had came to the church and then the cemetery when you were leaving us, and she will go back to visit you. She said she was worried that Mummy would feel so broken, that she would just leave here and go with you. She was frightened that she wouldn't see Mummy again. Mummy was honest and told her that she had thought about it, for the first 2 weeks she thought about it, but you have all your angels looking after you, and Mummy needs to help look after Daddy. Daddy has told Mummy that he would have nothing else left if she went away, so Mummy needs to stay here.
I still miss you and struggle with every tomorrow Haydon. That feeling isn't any different.
Daddy isn't sleeping very well baby boy, he wriggles and turns all the time, and Mummy's brain is thinking and thinking, and she can't sleep either. So I think Mummy will go to the chemist and get some Kalms, see if they help us for bed time.
Mummy was reading a post on a forum where a lady said she reads our stories, and she is glad she isn't us, it makes her feel better about her life. We wish we didn't have to lose you either bubba, it wasn't part of our plan. We didn't choose not to have you :-( I don't know why people think its ok to say things like that, because all it does is hurts the angel mummies.
When Mummy speaks to people she is always careful not to say things that would upset people who don't have their babies, I don't know why everyone isn't made the same way with things like that.
Mummy will be at the church later, will you be sending me a message again? I am taking your photograph to show Meryl. She will tell Mummy if your pic is what she 'saw' last week.
I'm going to go and get dressed my special wee man, because I need to find courage to go into the bank and down to the shops. I hope I'm invisible because I will cry today if people chat to me about you.
Mummy loves you with all of her heart and her soul, and Mummy wants you to feel all the hugs she is giving you with her heart xxx Mummy loves you bubba. She just does xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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