Yesterday was a really hard day bubba....the Health Visitor came to visit and mummy knows her from work, she knows how 'strong' I usually am, but she also knows that I am now heartbroken and she cried with me about you. She spent 2 hours chatting about you and saying how special you were and how lucky she was to meet you. She said she had never seen such a loved baby and the memory of you will be with her forever.
She agrees with mummy that your second hospital didn't do the best for you and she wants me to complain. And I will, I promise bubba xxxx
She thinks that a lot of the emotions that mummy is feeling just nbow are not just because I have lost my precious boy, but because of how much we saw you suffer. She calls it Post Traumatic Reaction. So when mummy goes to see the lovely lady from sands she is to speak about how sad it was, and how mummy felt when you were getting treatments and how I couldn't help you. And I really wanted to baby, I truly did, and I couldn't.
More stuff happened, and chats were had with other people yesterday, and mummy felt so overwhelmed. They want the old Helen back. So do I . How do I do that Haydon, tell mummy how to get her old self back? xxxx (I secretly think you have taken so much of mummy with you so you can hold onto 'me' until i'm with you again xxx)
Mummy is finding it hard to look at your photographs and she cries a lot now when she looks at them :-(
I hope I can look at your photographs and remember some things and smile, instead of remembering bad stuff that happened to you, and cry :-(...........you were beautiful bubba. Mummy loved your wee chubby cheeks and your noisy tongue, mummy was so proud of you, remember how she used to bring everyone she met in to see you at hospital so they could see my brave bubba boy xxx
Aunty Cheryl came here today and mummy tried hard not to feel sad, but she did cry sometimes. Aunty Cheryl said that was ok.
Then your t-shirts arrived for your sponsored walk, and they are a blue colour. Mummy will need to look out a special picture of you so that everyone can wear them and feel proud of you xxxxxxx
Daddy has been a bit sad Haydon, you will need to give him some of your magic and help him to smile. he has been getting quite angry with silly stuff, and hasn't been talking very much. Tell him it's ok to miss you and feel sad bubba xxxxx I think he is finding his holidays quite hard because he thinks about you a lot, when he's at work he can be busy for a long time. Mummy will need to try and be brave and make his birthday special xx Thank you for sending the catalogue through the door this morning...mummy understands the message on it, and that it must be from you, I will give it to daddy xxxxxxxxxxxx
I am going to the church tonight with Aunty Fiona.....I wonder if you will visit me tonight xxxx I hope for that every single day baby boy xxxxxxxx
Tomorrow morning mummy and granny will go and get you some nice new flowers xxxx make the sun shine at your forever bed bubba xxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy loves you, she just does xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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