The world doesn't feel right without you xx

Hello Bubba,

Today has been pretty hard already to be honest, my morning tears came but they were sore, so sore :-( daddy had to cuddle me for a very long time.  I think mummy's emotions were kept in check a lot yesterday, because I had to create your charity page, and mummy had a friend over to visit (I felt very brave).  Then I was upset with one of your aunties and I think we both feel bad about this now, but I got really upset bubba, I thought she was telling me to heal quickly from you...how could I ever do that...you are in my mind every second of every day..it's going to take a very long time before I can get up and not miss you THIS much.
It helps to organise your charity things though because it makes me feel like you are still around in some way, guiding us, encouraging us, I'm sure now that one of your jobs here on this earth was to make everyone take a look at their lives, to value what's important, and now you want everyone to be helped somehow.....lots of people want to donate to your charity bubba, they want to give in your honour, cos they are proud of you xxxx mummy is too - you are making a lot of heartbroken and sad people a bit happier with your fundraising Haydon - I am so proud that you were my boy xxxxxxx

There's another article in the paper today, one of your grandad's told me this morning that he had seen it.  Said it is a nice article, saying how much money you are raising to help other people who will lost their babies and children too.  And that is the hardest thing in the world to go through my baby boy, mummy misses you with every beat of her heart.

We used to talk like this - do you remember?  Mummy used to chat to you and tell you how she was feeling each day, and she would tell you all the names and the messages from kind people who were thinking about you, but we would always chat about how you were feeling wouldn't we? Mummy didn't like it when you were having a sad day, Daddy used to be upset on days like that too.  You were always so brave though and you would smile at mummy when she cuddled you, someday's you felt too sad to smile but mummy knew you liked being cuddled.

After being so brave yesterday bubba, I think mummy has used up a lot of her emotions, trying to be a bit more 'normal'...I will try hard to be the same again today, because people are coming to visit, but if I don't manage it very well then I will wait a few more days before having people round again.....

I dreamt about you last night even though i didn't sleep for very long.  Mummy got upset because she knew the dream was about you but she couldn't remember what happened in it.  I miss you bubba, like the whole world doesn't feel quite right anymore xxxxx

Mummy loves you baby, she just does xxxxxxxxxxxxxx im closing my eyes and giving you a big hug with my heart xxxxx

How am I meant to feel?

How am I meant to feel?

5 weeks on and this pain is real.

I know that you're not coming back

the grief is mounting stack by stack

I tell myself that you're at peace

I hope that it will ease my grief

but no matter how you suffered then

I want you back, those times again

but thats not fair, you tried so hard,

you'd had enough, been dealt you're card

but missing you is a daily grind

I can't find any pleasures, can't unwind

Some people think I should be well,

should be going out, how can they tell?

I've lost my boy, he lost his fight

how can 5 weeks make that all right?

I've friends who visit, speak your name

I cry my bubba, there's no shame

because my love for you is ever long

how can missing you be viewed as wrong?

Sometimes I find strength, go down the street,

but I fear the questions from those i meet

My heart is open, pain is raw,

time will help, it's human law

I can't force myself back out that door,

to hide my grief for ever more,

so I'll work through this, time i'll take

I'll tiptoe on, so I don't break

those people who expect too much,

I hope they see I miss your touch,

I can't walk ahead and not look behind

you're in my heart, live in my mind

and if I grieve forever, thats because you're mine

my love won't stand a test of time,

I need to learn to live with pain,

so I can take those steps again.

A life without you i'll create,

but I know that this is far from great,

You were my dream, my lifelong wish,

i don't have you, this life is P**h.