Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The Next Challenge.

Hi bubba,

it has been a wee while since Mummy wrote to you because she has been working through some things in her head.  I am still working through these thoughts but I felt the need to tell you about Massimo's next challenge for Mum.

At Mummy's appointment with Massimo on Tuesday, Mummy was to talk about the people in my life that make her feel so completely and totally full, happy, rich, blessed....... I struggled with this.
Other than Daddy, some close family, some close friends and work, I couldn't really think of anything or anyone that creates any real, unconditional, unquestioned 'happy' emotions, I describe my emotions now as 'happysad' and having a tolerance for some people that I never used to have, there are also people who I have lost tolerance for altogether as Mummy feels they let her down at a time when she really needed them.  My emotions are now so much more different than in my life before you, I can now let go of people in my life much more easily, almost numbly, and Mummy feels that this is a sad change.

But really happy? fulfilled? content?
Mummy didn't have a clear answer for Massimo's question.

When Massimo changed the question and said "What do you live for now since Haydon has gone?"
Mummy cried.  Big hearty sobs because I don't know what I live for now.  I don't know what will keep me going long term.  I don't know what I now aspire to, or crave, or want...because everything I ever wanted left on the 6th April 2012, everything I ever wanted and dreamt of was you.  Now, i just live for each day at a time, and that is the truth because I struggle with looking further ahead than that most days.

Mummy spoke about how ever since she was a little girl she wanted to be a Mummy.  She just assumed and took it for granted that her wish would happen, that her house would be filled with the sound of children, that her days would be spent organising her life around her family.  Like a typical old fashioned viewed girl...I wanted nothing else but a family of my own.....I hadn't made plans for anything else really.  When reality happened and Mummy lost every single baby that she and Daddy had wanted so deseperately.........this world just didn't seem fair, or easy.  Some people decide they want another child and have one, as easily as some plan to buy a new car.  Parenthood has never been that easy or straightforward for Mummy and Daddy, and we have been hurt to a point now where we just cannot even contemplate parenthood with any other child, ever....because, the road we walk on is that hard now.

Massimo said that answer makes complete sense, mainly because Mummy is part of such a large family with so many brothers and sisters, it would have felt more like a natural path than an actual choice.
Mummy agreed with him.  Massimo said he also understood what Mummy meant when she spoke, and how her passion has dulled and nothing else really matters quite so much.

Now though, Massimo wants Mummy to find more things to live for, to aspire to, to work towards.  Massimo knows that when the low times hit, Mummy doesn't want to be here anymore, Mummy has always been honest with him about that.  Mummy is honest with anyone if they ask her really.  I don't like that this is how I am.  I don't like that sometimes I think I would be better of being with you, than facing this really hard life everyday because sometimes it just feels too much.  But, Mummy promised everyone, especially Granny and Daddy that she would keep on trying, keep on fighting, and would keep on looking for a way to get through this in the hope that one day the hurt and soreness might not be quite so hard to cope with.  I don't choose to feel this way....I just do.

So Massimo's challenge is a hard one.  Well, I am finding it hard anyway.

Mummy is to write down the values that she loved about being your Mummy in this world.  What was it that I needed, and miss so much from you? What did you bring to Mummy that made her feel that you were her whole world, her dream come true, and her purpose in this life?
I have to think of my need to be your Mummy as 'Emotions', not just a role.  I have to write down all of these values that I found to be important, vital even, and work out where else in my life I can apply those values.

Massimo has already told Mummy that nothing in this world will ever make up for you not being here.  But he wants to help Mummy to try and find a new 'reason', new goals, a new life, long term............not just for now.  he wants Mummy to find places in her life where she can still feel all of those emotions.

Please help Mummy with this bubba, because all I know, truly know is that I love you with every single cell in my body.  I just do. I don't know how to break it down into separate emotions for Massimo...but maybe you will help me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm closing my eyes and hugging you with my heart bubba, hug me back my beautiful boy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3