The Blog Hop

One year, One month, one week.

I continue to count.  

I know I will continue to count until my last breath.

Since the week after my son died, (I can say this now, he died, my child died, it doesn't sit comfortably with me but I can say the words) I scanned the internet with a desperation to find other people who understood how this loss was.  People around me tried hard to understand, but noone could grasp this agony, I needed someone who knew.

Eventually, slowly I started to find some child lost Mummies.

I would ask them how to survive it.  I would ask them if I would start to feel alive again.  I would ask them if their marriage survived the devastation.  I would ask them if I was going mad.  I would ask them how they get through, an hour, a day, a week, a lifetime without their child.

I stumbled over so many tragedies, and so many parents who are now living without their much wanted child.  This should technically have made me feel worse, because I cried for all those children, I cried for all those parents, but I found companionship with so many of them, I found ears that listened and voices that knew what to say.  I found women who were able to hold me up, or even try and pick me up from the floor from a distance, I found woman who could tell how I was sometimes when even family couldn't see it.  I found a group of women who generally, because I have met two who coped differently, they felt like I did. 

They struggled with bumps, and babies, and prams, social gatherings, struggled with babies who were the same age as their child was, or the age their child would have been.  Like me, they struggled with every new day.

Some of these ladies had lost their much wanted only child, some had lost their only child after a series of losses before, some were parents to other children too, some were planning for more or to try again.  But mostly, they felt the same desperation and impact that I felt, and continue to feel.  Just like them.

The glue for my mask gets stronger, I am aware that I am more able to keep my 'new' face in place for longer periods of time.  But this doesn't mean I am better, or healed, or have accepted it or moved on.  This doesn't mean I hurt any less, or that I value what I have more. These ladies completely understand that, because the bond for their mask is gaining strength too.  They will tell me face to face, or in emails, or in messages, or phone calls, that their hurt is exactly the same, but yet the majority don't share this with their families, because to be hurting and feeling so low after "all this time" makes most people feel very uncomfortable.

But not with me, and other child lost mums. Because we know.

These ladies know that I am planning a return to work for financial reasons, not emotional ones.  I need a wage.  I may dress it up and say I need to get back into a routine, but these ladies know the truth, because for most of them it is the same tale.

These ladies are aware that when I haven't mentioned my son, it isn't because I am coping better, it is because I don't feel comfortable enough to, because my son is so precious and I won't just share him with anyone, not any more.

These ladies know, like I do with them, that my grief will be ever long.  No parent should ever bury their child.  They know that I will try and live my life, that I will try and build enthusiasm for things, or show interest, but sometimes I can't.  They accept that will be my life, because that's how they are too.

I firmly believe that these ladies who are now considered my friends, helped me to keep going.  They stopped me from giving up, and sometimes still stop me when I'm on a dip.  From a distance they would pull me to my feet, or get me sitting upright when I fell to the floor.  These ladies gave me belief that I would learn to cope with not having Haydon, and I am learning to cope without him.  Learning to cope however, doesn't make it any easier that he has gone, or that I have came to terms with it....at any second the tears that lurk, that are waiting, may come.  They know this too.

So for this reason, I am going on a blog hop again.  I am attaching my blog to other blogs about child loss, because there may be some broken hearted Mummy doing an internet search after losing her child, who feels completely broken and wonders if there is anyone else out there who would understand, anyone out there who is surviving this loss...even if it is with difficulty.

Any other Mamma's who have blogs, please feel free to join on the blog hop....your voices may be needed too.