Reflection. A year of Grief.

Reflection.

1 year, 1 month, 1 day was an unexpected hurdle a couple of days ago.  I didn't expect this to be difficult, but it was.

It made me realise that yet again this path of child-loss is so unpredictable, and nothing can be expected.

As time passes I am realising so many things, but most of all I am acknowledging that my love for my son will never change, nor will I ever 'get over' or 'accept' losing him like I have other relatives and best friend.

It has been around a year since I started my blog.  A whole year of grief, a whole year of tears and sadness, a whole year without my son.

I wanted to reflect on how I am now.  Properly am.

I am not healed, far from it...but I do smile more now than I have since he left.  Time is helping me to cope, but time is not making this journey much easier, time is not providing me with an alternative that I love as much as I will always love him, miss him, want him.  The sun doesn't shine quite so brightly.....but he does send me rainbows xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Quite a lot of reading in this.  I don't expect anyone to read it....but, if you do,...thank you...I wrote this more for me and possibly other angel parents when I finally get round to completing the writing of my book for my bubba.

Action	Before Haydon	Since Haydon
How I see myself?	I was fairly confident, secure, passionate, giggly, enthusiastic, loving, caring, a good listener.	I don't really know who I am anymore, I can't predict how I will be in various situations. I am not as confident as I used to be, nor am I as passionate about things. I still listen, particularly if I feel the situations warrant my attention. I care even more deeply about the people in my life than before. I don't laugh like I used to. I don't see the comedy in every situation anymore.
Going to Concerts.	I would jump at the chance. I would be right at the front, singing in my loudest voice, and hanging around to see if I could meet my fav artists.	I commit to going because I know I will enjoy it, but I am hesitant, worry that I will be upset while I am there, or freak at the jostling of the crowd. So far I have stayed near the back of the hall, I no longer hang around for artists or go with a huge group of people. Some bands I can't even go and see anymore because of how the songs make me feel/remind me of Haydon.....
Family Celebrations/Friend Celebrations	I would always make the effort to attend and would always try my best to get the part going. I would dance and sing the night away, even if it wasn't my taste in music. I would converse with all family members, or if it was a friend event I would circulate and mingle. I always loved gatherings. I would barely drink as I was hyperactive on adrenaline most of the time.	I think about the situation firstly, before I even consider the financial cost. I think about who will all be there, will there be children?...I have a couple of drinks before I even go so that my nerves will carry me into the venues. I don't always mingle now. Sometimes it is too much emotionally. Sometimes seeing young children unexpectedly can cause me to leave and go home early. I drink way more than I used to at these events too. I am most likely to attend a celebration if it is for someone who has reached out since Haydon left and understand where I am emotionally...that makes it easier if I fall.
Meeting New People	I couldn't ever get enough. I would have described myself as a bit of a social butterfly. Completely non-judgemental and accepted everyone for their differences. I would attend anywhere, and find something to chat about with anyone who was there.	I have very limited contact with people in my daily life now. I have a very select group of company that I rarely stray from just now, although I am trying to broach previous relationships and try and rekindle/reconnect when I feel strong enough. I would be hesitant attending somewhere now where I knew noone, unless with company that I feel totally secure with now.
Friendships	I used to always say I had a wide circle of friends, and a close group of friends with shared interests. I was always weighing up who needed me most, and never felt I had enough hours in my week to fully commit to friends properly, although I know I always tried my damnest to.	I have realised that some 'friends' were acquaintances only, because they are not part of my life much now at all, if at all. I have realised that I can have friends with shared interests, and keep them in those 'sections'. I have realised that I have held onto emotions from recent and past losses and replay words spoken that hurt deeply... If a 'friend' has let my son down..or I feel they have let him down more than they have let me down...I can't forgive that, and I don't think that will change. I am accepting that my life isn't filled with as many people...but i'd rather have people in my life who truly care now, because many weren't around when I most needed them, and that isn't my issue or Haydon's..it's theirs.
Work	I loved what I did, although sometimes I considered changing to another venue...mainly because I worked in the community that I supported. I enjoyed the challenges and I loved nothing more than seeing relationships develop or become stronger/more managed between parents and their children. If it was possible, not always. I was proud of my career. I have worked with children since I was very young...17 years qualified.	I have no idea what I will emotionally cope with anymore. I know that I will need to try. I know that I need the wages. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I struggle with very young children...so I hope there will be a position to suit my skills without a need to work with them.
Life/Experiences	I was never a thrill seeker by jumping out of planes or bungee jumping etc.....but I have always loved motorbikes, I have always loved speed, I have always loved the freedom of the open road, countryside, lochs, hills. I would happily set up my tent and live in the wilds, I had such a carefree attitude and loved nothing more than being out and exploring and trying new things.	I feel I have lost my spark. I just can't get excited about things anymore. My husband is encouraging me to go out on the bike more because I always loved that...I don't have that passion anymore. I sometimes don't like the silence of my crash helmet – makes me think. I become much more anxious about situations now, and need to know where I am, what I'm doing, where I'll be.......I hate being like that.
Being Home Alone Without Jim	I lived alone for many years after the break up of my first marriage. I loved living independently, I would choose when to have company or when to go out. When I re-met Mr Jim, I always loved the times we spent together and slowly we build up to us moving in together. We still had our own interests and own friends. Although we also had many shared ones too. I didn't mind if he went away for weekends, or weeks, or even drunken days away. I used those times to do 'me things'...	I become anxious before he has even left the house, I worry that something will happen to him. The same old me still enjoys doing 'me' things, and I would never ask him not to go, but I am definitely not as carefree and blasé as I used to be. Now, I ask him to contact me regularly so I know he is fine. When he used to go away before Haydon, sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for many days at a time and it didn't matter. I feel more dependent than I ever have been in my whole life.
Faith	I always believed there was a 'creator' who managed everyone and created paths, I always felt that someone else was in control and would make changes in people's lives, ultimately for the greater good. I have always believed in an after life as I have had far too many experiences over the years to discount that.	I question whether I have a God now. My 'God' in my mind wouldn't cause harm to others, for what seems like no reason. I feel like life is now a series of tests to see who quits first. I nearly did quit, sometimes I still want to. I know my son is waiting for me with my other babies, but forever is taking too long.
My Pregnancies	Each loss I had reinforced to me that I probably would never have children. Each loss was difficult, but looking back I think by the time I had my 2nd loss I was much more expectant, and almost immune to the heartbreak in some ways. The 3rd loss I barely even reacted to. I didn't even tell anyone, it was just 'yet another' loss. I still wanted my family desperately, I refused to admit defeat. Then Haydon came.	I often feel guilty for my other babies now. I would never and will never compare my losses to anyone else, but I do compare my own to my own. I didn't lose my baby with Haydon. I don't ever describe his loss as that. My son died. I knew him. He has broken me, and that will never be ok for me.....compared to my other losses that I would often think about, but I 'accepted'. I grieve for the fact I will not have my son, and I don't want another child to fit into the Haydon shaped hole in my heart now.
The Future	The future was like a gift waiting to be opened. I couldn't wait for the surprises that life had to offer me.	I just want this life to pass so I can be back with my boy. I will plan, and create experiences but the biggest part of me died when he did. I know, and I am ashamed to admit it, that no other loss in my lifetime will ever be like losing my son, my creation, my bundle of joy. No other, ever. I will tolerate life as best I can, until I don't need to be here anymore.