more challenges...

Mummy went to see Massimo yesterday.  It was so so hard bubba.  I won't bore you with everything that was said because Mummy was with him for a long time, but, she will tell you about the new challenges that he has set, and how he felt the last ones were going.

Mummy explained about how she is feeling about grief forums, and social sites and your blog.
Massimo said he understood that the challenges were going to be hard, and that it's ok if Mummy writes to you, because these things were set as tests to try and highlight what helps and what doesn't.  This makes sense to Mummy now.  I need to write to you.  This is the only place in the world where I completely spill my heart, apart from with Daddy or Massimo, so I need this place.  Mummy hasn't missed the grief forums at all, which has been really surprising, although Mummy does still wonder about all the ladies that she has spoken to since you left, and wonders how they all are.  I might pop in now and again to see how they are doing.  Social sites like facebook and twitter, well, Mummy has realised that they only beat her up on really bad days, and she generally avoids them on those days, although some people only communicate with Mummy through them so its unavoidable some days, even if I can't face the sites and news feeds.

I know I will definitely not be going on much over the weekend.  Mothers day.  I remember how mothers day was for us last year.  Mummy got so many presents because people were worried that Daddy would forget, I even got 2 cuddly elephant toys that are sitting in your room with Mummy's scarves on them.  I remember that day though, so clearly, Mummy didn't sleep because you had had a really bad night, and then she got up to go and see you and Daddy gave her all the gifts.  Mummy cried so much that morning and said to Daddy, "what if this is our only Mother's Day with him?" and Daddy told Mummy to stop thinking that or speaking that, you would be fine. But you weren't fine, and you aren't here, so Mummy's feelings were right.
Mummy and Daddy are going on a special memorial walk and balloon release instead for you on Sunday...so catch your balloon bubba, and get your other baby siblings to catch theirs too xxxxxxx
Mummy and Daddy know that Sunday will be hard, so spending the time with people who understand, and who are still parents but don't have their babies in their arms...well, this is where we need to be.

Anyway, I'm off the track.  Massimo.  He wants Mummy to now start to properly look at your photographs, but only the first 2 chapters, up until where you became poorly at home, he doesn't want Mummy to look at any photographs that are full of sadness, only the ones that have hope and happiness....so Mummy will try.  She is back to see him in 2 weeks, and Mummy is to look at your album everyday.  This is going to be a really hard challenge.  Mummy hasn't looked at your albums for 10 months now, it is too hard,
Massimo wants Mummy and Daddy to look at them together on some of the days, and when Mummy told Daddy he started to cry, because we both find this task hard.  Daddy said if we are already crying thinking about looking at your photographs, what will we be like actually sitting down with them.  He is right, this is a fear, for both of us.  It hurts to remember being so happy, being so proud, and Mummy will be facing a big fear when she does this task, each and every time.  But I will try.  Massimo says this will be one of the techniques to try and build on happy memories...not just hard ones....I hope he is right.

The other task that he has set Mummy is to make a declaration when she meets people.  She is to say that sometimes she gets upset, and that's ok.  Sometimes she cries about you, but that's ok.  Massimo acknowledges that not everyone has the ability to cope with Mummy when she has a 'moment', and that has added to the fear of Mummy showing how she feels, properly feels, because she doesn't like other people feeling uncomfortable.  This fear stops Mummy from going out some days.  So Massimo wants Mummy to say it may happen when she meets people, and to say it is ok, so that IF it happens, they won't be shocked, and will almost half expect it, but if it doesn't happen...even better.  Massimo thinks that by being open and honest about the 'moments', then Mummy might be letting go a bit of her fear each time.  She will try this too.

Massimo is hoping if Mummy is upfront and honest, she will be able to establish who is her actual support network, and those who like her for other things but can't support with her grief.

I have opened your album today and I looked at some of your pictures.  I sobbed, and sobbed, and then after I stopped crying I got up and made tea, then sobbed again.  I miss kissing your wee chubby chin bubba.  I miss feeling your nails scratching me when you grabbed onto me.
Massimo says this will help, by the state of me at the moment....I am not sure.  But, I will try again later.
My heart breaks looking at every photograph.  My soul aches at seeing Mummy and Daddy so happy and so proud of you.  I miss feeling like that.

Mummy loves you bubba, she just does, with every single bit of her heart, apart from a wee bit that you left behind for Mummy to love Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kisses blown to the sky, I'm closing my eyes and hugging you with my heart Haydon xxxxxx <3