The Panic Sets In...

Hey Bubba,

Mummy has coped a little bit better today than yesterday, she is definitely finding it better not really being on facebook just now, all of those happy happy posts and countdowns are really wearing Mummy down.

In a week's time, you would be a day away from turning 1.  This life is so unfair Haydon, we are so upset that you won't be turning one in our arms, and only in our hearts.  You should be here with us.  You should be getting toys, and clothes and lots of nice new things.  Instead Mummy and Daddy are giving you Flowers and a balloon, and a sky lantern.  We will have lovely candles lit for you aswell.  Not the same though.  You should be here with us blowing a candle out on your cake.

Mummy had a bit of a panic attack today, it is mad that this happens to Mummy now, it never used to happen before.  When Mummy thinks about how she used to be, and how she faced some really challenging situations at work, at how she would fight for the needs of others, and now I can barely fight for my own.

Things that Mummy used to enjoy doing, look forward to, and would get excited about, I now fear.  You have changed me that much bubba.  Mummy had a meltdown today about the idea of booking a hair appointment with Amy.  Mummy dialled the number and then hung up just as they answered.  Why did I freak out so much? Mummy likes her usual hairdresser.  Mummy always got on well with her, and she knew you from the minute you were a secret bump, right up to the day we took you home from hospital.  Amy met you, and loved how tiny you were and said you were so special to her because she knew Mummy had lost her babies before.
Amy knows you are an angel, because one of your nurses told her.  I don't know which nurse it was, but it was someone who knew that Mummy and Amy were friends as well as me being her customer.
When Aunty Cheryl went for her hair cut a few weeks ago, Amy told Aunty Cheryl that she hopes to see Mummy soon and that she hasn't stopped thinking about us all.  I am so anxious about seeing her though Haydon.  I am so anxious that I get asked questions that I can't answer, or get upset answering.  I am scared that I can't speak to Amy about you, my beautiful boy.  I am scared that I fall apart and embarrass myself in the salon.  But I want Amy to cut my hair.
How can something so 'simple' cause so much upset and panic.  I used to love going to get pampered because Amy knew just how to do Mummy's hair, and how she liked it.  Mummy has had one hair cut in a year.  How did that happen? How could Mummy go a whole year and have just one haircut, when she used to go and see Amy every 8 weeks.  How can going to the Hairdressers have turned into such a big deal.

People who don't know Mummy scare her now.  Mummy worries about that question being asked.  "do you have children" or "will you have children" or how to answer the questions if I say I have a son and he is turning one in heaven.  How awkward that makes people feel, how they don't have words, and stumble over themselves because they don't know what to say, or how to change the subject because they don't want to seem uncaring but yet they don't know what to ask or how to say the right things.

When Mummy went shopping the other day, she went into Jenners and asked the lady at the Bobbi Brown counter if she could recommend a good foundation.  Mummy told her that she wanted something that would make her appear healthier and less tired, and something that would suit her skin tone, which is a colour '0'...that makes Mummy laugh that she has porcelain coloured skin.  Mummy told the lady that she had used Bobbi Brown things before so she knew they suited her skin.  Daddy wanted to treat Mummy, because he knows how Mummy is feeling.
The lady sat Mummy on a chair and started cleansing her face, and then moisturised it, and once she had done that she started asking about Mummy and her life, making conversation.  She asked Mummy if she was run down because of work, or was life just stressful at the moment.  Mummy took a deep breath in because she didn't want to tell lies, but at the same time I didn't want to ruin this time of doing something 'normal' or spoil it by saying about you.  So Mummy decided to be honest, and apologised before telling her, I warned her that my news would make her feel sad and I didn't mean it to, but I told her you had gone to live in heaven.  The lady started crying Haydon.  Mummy felt so bad.  the lady asked if Mummy had a picture, and of course Mummy did in her purse, so she showed the lady.  The lady said "there are no words, just no words" and finished off Mummy's make up in silence.

Something 'normal' turned into something uncomfortable.  But people always ask THOSE questions Haydon, or similar questions, and how does a Mummy answer those questions when her child is in heaven.  How do you say to someone you haven't met that your son is an angel, or how do you answer the 'how old is your son' question if you decide just to say "I have a son".
There is no easy answer, every situation like this is uncomfortable and awkward for Mummy, or Daddy, or the person asking.

Every day situations now cause Mummy to panic.  Every day situations that used to be easy are now hard.

Even getting on the bus is still hard for Mummy.  Just the other day a lady came on the bus with a little baby boy, and he had the same animal print outdoor suit on that Mummy had searched for ages for you to wear.  Mummy felt a big lump in her throat.  Mummy had to get off the bus early.

Even simple things like going online.  Mummy wanted to wish your friend Oscar happy 1st Birthday.  Mummy hadn't gone onto look at his birthday photographs until a day when she was strong enough.  But Mummy ended up not leaving a message, because Oscar is wearing the same Cloud baby-gro that you used to wear.  Mummy started to cry, and it is silly because that is Oscar's baby-gro, not yours.  And I wish I had left a birthday message for him.

Every where Mummy goes there is memories, reminders, or awkward questions or awkward situations.
Mummy hasn't been far at all the last couple of weeks again.  She just isn't brave enough just now Haydon.
Mummy hasn't even been to Zumba.

I love you baby boy.  Give Mummy strength to call Amy tomorrow and make an appointment to get her hair done.  Aunty Cheryl said to Mummy that there will never be a good time or an easy time to face her, Aunty Cheryl is right.  I just need to commit to an appointment.

I love you with all my heart Bubba.  I wish you were here.  I just do.

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