Christmas Eve. No stocking hanging for you.

I have not yet composed your birthday blog bubba, but that is only because Mummy and Daddy are trying to survive Christmas now.  It is so so hard.  We are wearing a decent mask in front of people but when we are on our own, we are as we are, heartbroken, missing you, wanting you, feeling cheated and angry for you.  How can you say to everyone who is looking forward to Christmas, that you could see it far enough?  That you are disappointed that the world didn't officially end on the 21st, your birthday.  Although you me and Daddy all know that our world did end.  Didn't it.  Our world ended on 6th April this year.  There will never be another 'end of the world day' like that, we are only now counting down time until we get to you now.  We don't really live, we are alive only.  That's it.  Motions.  Going through them.  For others, not for us.

Granny has called today, and she wants Mummy and Daddy to have as good a start to Christmas as we can.  But you know what we're doing for the start of Christmas Haydon, we are going up to see you,  We are going to stand at a grave and wish for a different Christmas.  And then we are going to pull our masks up and go for dinner, and act like we are enjoying the festive season.  Cos that really rocks, yayyyy.  Not.

So many people thought about you on your birthday and that meant so much to us, those people know because Mummy and Daddy have told them.  Some people didn't, or appeared to not remember, and all that did was make Mummy and Daddy realise yet again who cares, who gives a damn, who is really interested in us and our well being.
Daddy wore his superman top to work under his uniform.  Mummy has burned candles constantly since Friday.  We miss you.

Mummy went to the doctors today for Granny's prescription and she met Dr Dean.  the doctor who has been so lovely to Mummy and so supportive.  She asked how Mummy was and if she had managed to get some comfort from letting your lanterns and balloons go on your birthday.  Mummy told her about you making us chase those lanterns around the cemetery and then making one of them bounce of Joan's roof next door, and then the other that landed near the doctors.  I don't think you liked lanterns much, because you even made Aunty Amanda's fly all over the place.  Maybe next year we will just do balloons, you like them.

Mummy told the doctor while having a chat that she might not spend the next week sober, and the doctor said that might not be a bad idea.  Mummy told her that she hasn't had a day sober since last week, she has found solace in booze, and Mummy never ever ever does that.  But I have, and I am drinking again bubba, it is the only way I know how to cope, because I don't know what I would do otherwise.  Am I strong enough? Am I really strong enough to go through life without you now? I don't know.  I really don't.  All I know is that the coping mechanisms that I'm finding aren't good ones.  Hey ho, thsi is my life now, and if I can't have you Mummy doesn't really care about anything much anymore, except Daddy, because he is sad too.  Mummy thinks he will just bury himself in booze for the next wee while too, while everyone else has fun and celebrations.  Mummy and Daddy will just be drunk.  And Granny B wouldn't be happy about that, and neither would Granny Margaret or Granda James, but I don't know what else to do Haydon.

Everyone else will find reasons to celebrate.  everyone else will find reasons to be happy.
We will visit your grave.  Amazeballs.

We want you here.  we want a stocking for you.  We want to be wrapping up presents.  We want to be planning Christmas Day and having fun, not just surviving.  This life sucks without you.  It really does.  I just want to be old and be with you.  Or maybe I will still be youngish and be with you, maybe Mummy will die of a broken heart, she has wondered about this.

I love you.  I want you here.  I want to see your face on Christmas day covered in gravy and seeing you chew the wrapping paper and slaver all over your new toys.  This life is shit Haydon, and Mummy shouldn't swear at you but you have heard Mummy swear a lot recently, so you already know these words.

We love you, we just do.  When your life changed, ours changed too.  And not any single particle of it was for the better.

Come visit us on Christmas Day, you can visit us through the night too if you want because we probably won't go to bed.  Just like your birthday, we didn't sleep then either.

All of my love forever baby boy, you have taken my heart all the way to heaven and only left a little bit behind.  I want you here.  I just do.  I love you.  I just do.


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