8 months ago you grew your wings. How am I meant to feel now?
I don't feel any different Haydon, I still feel exactly the same overwhelming loss, so does Daddy. Nothing has changed except time has moved a bit.
8 months since I held you in my arms.
8 months since I had the life that I knew, the life I relied on, the people in my life then that are so different from the people who are in my life now, and it is still evolving.
8 months since we had the drama of getting you brought nearer to home at Easter Friday, but we did get you closer to home. That day feels like a blur, but it still feels like everything ended back then bubba.
8 months since Mummy and Daddy were at Yorkhill, everything was different. I still don't understand why it all had to change. I still want to know why it changed. We still want to know.
So many things are becoming clear in my mind now though Haydon, and that may be a good thing, it may be bad, I don't know. But what I do know is that my priorities in life have all changed.
I don't need a huge group of friends anymore, I only need people who care, really care, and move mountains to be there for me and Daddy when we need them. Sometimes, just knowing when, even if we don't ask for the help.
I don't need a high powered job to feel I have accomplished great things in life. That won't matter at all once I'm in heaven with you. All me and Daddy need to do is get by, somehow, comfortably, but no need for high levels of stress = good wages. Those days are gone.
I don't need to be busy every single minute of every single day to feel like I am living, I used to always have plans made and things to do. Now I don't have the motivation, and that is ok. I might feel this way forever, I might not.
I don't need a fancy house, or a fancy bike, or expensive holidays, I don't crave any of that anymore. I need people, love, support, empathy, compassion, care and I need to give all of that too, to the right people.
I don't want your birthday to come. I don't want Christmas to come. I don't want to see and feel the empty space at the dinner table, or blow out candles without you being there.
I don't want the loss of you to ever come between Mummy and Daddy because we are so strong together, but Mummy can see how this loss really pulls people apart, over time. I hope we make it, we feel we will.
I don't need pathetic, silly, immature arguments and fights. I don't need to feel guilty when I know I have done absolutely nothing wrong, except tell the truth. I have always been a truthful person and I will not lie to spare another's conscience. I refuse to be pulled into broils, and feel like I have created a war of some kind, because anyone that knows me, properly knows me, knows that I am a peace keeper. If I lose more friends during the journey of staying true to my feelings, and true to Daddy's feelings, then so be it. We have lost much more and are dealing with it. This is a small fish in a big pond scenario. We have learned what matters, and whom.
Daddy is asleep. The dogs are asleep. Mummy can't sleep.
8 months on. I felt I would never survive 8 minutes, 8 hours or 8 days. I am still barely surviving. I haven't cried as much today, maybe that's Mummy's medication? I do feel very low, sad and numb though. That feeling hasn't gone. Will it ever.
There is nothing that matters in life apart from love Haydon. There is nothing that fills up our hearts, and completely destroys us when it leaves, apart from love.
I don't need anything else. We will find a way somehow, with whatever little we end up with.
We know who gives us love, and we know who we give love to Bubba.
You are not in our arms, but you never leave us, you are always with us, every single second of every day.
We don't need to be around people who won't ever understand that, acknowledge that, or support us with that.
We love you bubba, so so much. We just do, for ever xxxxxxxxx
8 months ago we were ripped apart, but I still feel you in my arms baby boy. 8 months ago Mummy wanted to die with you, 8 months on and that feeling still lingers ...but why wouldn't it. I lost my world when I lost you.
It doesn't matter if I never ever put up another christmas tree, or decorations, or celebrate this time of year ever again. What matters is that people know Mummy and Daddy love them, and that you get remembered because you are loved. I don't care about the rest of it Haydon. I don't need tinsel and mistletoe, and the queens speech. I don't need a big bundle of presents, I don't need a festive meal, I don't need to dress up and look nice that day, I don't need to do anything. I am learning that none of this really matters.
You mattered. You will continue to matter. The rest can leave us be.
Kisses blown to the sky for you baby boy xxx come visit me tomorrow at Aunty Beverley's house xxxxxxxx
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