Hey bubba,
Mummy's brain is so so so busy today..lots of things going round in her mind..i'd say teensy mind, but there is so much packed into it I know it isn't teensy anymore...
Mummy has been thinking about the friend who keeps emailing and texting and trying to add Mummy on fb, forgetting how she scoffed when Mummy told her how ill you were. She told Mummy you weren't "that ill", and that her baby was much more poorly. Mummy let it go back then because she was so full of trying to help you, but today it is playing over, along with other stuff. You were that ill, and you were more poorly. It's not a competition, it was never a competition to see who had the most poorly baby, but you aren't here with us now, and her son is ok.
Mummy just had to get that off her chest this morning.
The other thing that is going round my head today baby boy was some of the times you were resuscitated. Those aren't easy memories. Those memories hurt. Mummy couldn't sleep last night because of them, and today they are all still there. The old movie reel is playing.
Mummy has been remembering the very very first one that you had, and how Daddy was at work. Mummy had settled you down and got you washed and dressed and you were playing with your Activity Gym. Mummy was going for some breakfast and would be right back.
Mummy went down to the Parents Accommodation and quickly ate her porridge, cos that was one of the quickest things to have everyday, then she left some of her tea because it was taking too long, and she went back up to you. When she arrived though there were curtains pulled around you. Mummy had only been away 15 minutes. All the curtains were round you, and all Mummy could see was feet under there, and beeping noises from behind it. A nurse came rushing up to Mummy because he could see the panic and confusion on Mummy's face. He sat me down on a chair, while I shouted at him, "let me in to see my baby, what is going on?"
He wouldn't let me in. he said the doctors had been called because you'd had a blue-do. I asked "what the hell is a blue-do?" and he told me you had stopped breathing and your heart rate had fallen so low, so they were helping you to breath again. I was shaking like mad by this point because there was still lots of noise happening behind the curtain. Mummy waited, and waited, and clasped her hands and rubbed her thighs and tried so hard not to cry or freak out. Why had you stopped breathing/ Why had your heart rate dipped? What was going on?......
Eventually the curtain was pulled back and Mummy could see 3 of the doctors from the Intensive Care ward, and there were a few nurses, and a trolley full of things, horrible, evil looking things. the doctor wanted me to go with him to another room to speak, but I said "No, I'm staying with my baby. What has happened". So he told me he didn't know, he said this sometimes happens to children with heart issues, this could be a normal symptom for an AVSD. They would monitor you, but they may need to ventilate you because they had trouble getting you back. I couldn't fully understand what had happened, it all happened so quickly you see, noone could really explain what had happened.
I was told the cleaner started hoovering as the nurse decided she would weigh you quickly because you were in a good mood. She annoyed Mummy by doing that because you never ever liked other people handling you, you were only used to me and Daddy and you would get so upset by that, so I got annoyed. Well, the hoover was started at a time when you were already getting a bit anxious, and you got a fright, a big fright, you just stopped crying and you went blue, and all the monitors and alarms went off, so they had pulled the emergency button on the wall. Mummy had arrived just after all the doctors had.
I thought oh my god, but I was thankful that they helped you. You got a fright, I would just need to make sure you didn't get a fright.
You were pure white, so pale, with grey lips, when Mummy walked over to you. You were so still and exhausted. You couldn't even cry, Mummy did though. Mummy picked you up and held you for what felt like forever, I was so worried but so relieved that you were ok. Once you started to fall asleep Mummy went to call Daddy, the nurses told her to, he needed to know. So Mummy left the hospital because you can't call there, and she called Daddy at the Meadows. Daddy panicked. Said he was coming. I was to wait there for him. He was only ten minutes away.
Mummy sat on the bench and cried and cried, and shook and shook, but Daddy came, and when we went up to see you, you woke up and acted like nothing had happened, full of smiles and gurgles and goo's. Daddy thought Mummy must have been mistaken, you couldn't have been that ill - "look at you now", he said.
The next day, it happened again. But this time Mummy saw what happened.
You were lying in your cot and mummy was playing with you, singing to you, and the nurse who was looking after you said she was going to take you off c-pap for a while to see how you coped. C-pap was the bulky mask thing that you hated, that you were having to wear on your face with a little nose cap and prongs that went up your nose, it was tied round your head with tight ribbons, and attached to a special hat. The mask blew lots of wind into your nose, to help keep your lungs inflated, it was noisy and it was a cold air, but you needed it to keep your lungs wide open and to make it easier to breath with the infections you had, or should I say, the infections you were meant to have but didn't have. You hated it. We hated it. We all wanted you off it. So she took your c-pap mask off you and she put a little oxygen line around your nose and pulled it tight so it wouldn't move. You were happy, you smiled, you laughed, you didn't have the big gushing noise and wind from the c-pap, you could really hear Mummy and you loved it. You were coping so well off the c-pap and you stayed like that for a couple of hours. We loved that time playing and Mummy was lifting you up and it was so much easier without the c-pap attached, you were so happy that morning, you cuddled into Mummy and she bathed you (You didn't like that one bit) and then it was time to go back on to c-pap. So Mummy laid you down on the cot bed and chatted to you while the nurse got your c-pap on and ready.
You heard the noise of the wind and you went pale. You panicked. You made the most awful crying noise that I had ever heard,like the air was being sucked out of you, like a muffled cry, a scared cry, it wasn't a loud cry, it was a wheezy cry, and then you went blue. Your whole face went blue. Your eyes went still, your machines around you were alarming, the nurses were panicking, they ran to you they pulled the emergency button on the wall, Mummy was screaming, crying, shaking. The doctor came rushing through from the ICU and he ripped off your clothes, and he placed a mask over your face, a big green one, and he asked the nurse to breath for you using it, and he rubbed at your chest, and he made little bangs on your chest, and you started to breath again, and your oxygen saturation monitor started going up again so that said you were breathing again, and then your heart rate started going up again, the doctor said you were going to be ok and that Mummy should sit down, Mummy couldn't she watched everything and waited.
They got you back on the c-pap machine and you started to get a little more colour on your face, not the blue colour that you'd had. Mummy started to breath again too and asked if she could hold you. the doctor said that would probably be best, so she lifted you up and she held you and cried for you and she said you would be ok and not to do that again. All your monitors settled down really quickly, so the doctor said that you must feel really safe in Mummy's arms because you had settled so quickly while she held you.
Mummy was to go and call Daddy again and tell him, but she didn't want to leave you.
I stayed there with you in my arms, you slept. mummy put you in your cot, and was going to phone Daddy now because you were ok.
But you woke up, it happened again, you went blue, the doctor came running, the curtains were pulled.
3 times that morning that happened to you Haydon. The doctor said if it happened again he was going to fully ventilate you, he thought the c-pap wasn't doing enough to help you.
Once Mummy felt that you were safe enough to go for a sleep and to be ok while she was gone, she went to call Daddy. She phoned again from the bench at The Meadows. Daddy was further away from the office this day, but he dropped everything and ran, to be with you.
Mummy text one of her friends because she didn't know what to do, and she didn't want to call Granny in the state she was in, so she thought I'll text a friend who is nearby, she'll help me. Mummy told her that she was sitting in the meadows and crying and couldn't cope with what she had just seen, what should she do. She must have been busy, but she did reply later that day. She told Mummy she needed to take better care of herself.
It didn't happen again that day. But it did happen again another 33 times. 36 times in total Mummy saw this, 37 times it happened. Daddy saw this about a dozen times. It was so scary, thinking we could lose you like that, horrible. This gives us nightmares now.
Mummy was so scared to leave you. She stopped eating breakfast. She stopped leaving for lunch unless she had to. Mummy went up there very early in the morning and stayed till very late at night, sometimes through the night too because you had horrible stuff happen during the night too.
Mummy stopped living Haydon, she spent every single second with you, she barely went anywhere or saw anyone, and she was so so frightened, she was an anxious wreck. Every time Mummy did leave you she would get a panicked phone call saying it had happened again, or they thought you were going to have an attack, and Mummy seemed to be able to help you. Mummy seemed to calm you down, mummy would pick you up and cuddle you, and kiss you, and sing to you, and rock you, and hold you tight and you would settle down again quickly. When you made 'that noise', 'that cry' sometimes Mummy could prevent it from happening, if she got to you quick enough. Sometimes she could get you to come back to us sooner, if she was quick enough once the monitors started settling down. Sometimes though, it happened 3 or 4 times in a row.
Mummy was your medicine baby boy, Mummy was what you needed. That's why Mummy never left your side.
I am crying at the memories Haydon. 37 times, but each time in a different outfit, when will Mummy cope with replaying all of this. I don't know.
I love you, I always did love you, I would have gave my life for you, I wish I could have helped you more. I just do.
<3 <3 <3 <3
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