Well Haydon, sorry it took so long to
write to you but as you know I have had a house full of invalids,
thank you for your white feather to make me feel better :)
I thought I would start with when I
found out your mummy & daddy were having you. I was so pleased
for them both but very anxious at the same time, due to all the
heartache they had felt before. I didn't contact mummy much
throughout her pregnancy, not out of badness just I was expecting at
the same time & I didn't want to push my pregnancy in your
mummies face as she was having all sorts of issues with her health,
however, I was always asking aunty Moira for updates. You've probably
worked out by now but your granny & aunty Moira talk for hours on
the phone every week.
When I found out that you were going to
have Down syndrome, initially I thought oh no not another hurdle for
your mummy, then straight away thought well if anyone can overcome
any hurdle, it's your mummy as she's had to do it all her life. So as
your pregnancy progressed and you were getting bigger & bigger,
we were all hoping you would stay safe in your mummy’s tummy for as
long as possible as that was the best place for you.
Your granny kept saying that your mummy
& I would be in beds next to each other pulling our Xmas crackers
at Xmas time having both our babies at the same time. I didn't want
this, not out of badness, just out of worry. As it would mean that
you would be so premature & you mummy deserved for you to be in
her tummy for as long as possible.
When I got the phone call to say that
your mummy was admitted due to her health deteriorating & that
she needed to stay in until she had you, I became worried for you
both. There was me at full term & only had my SPD to worry about,
what must your mummy be feeling? Everyday 1st thing I would call your
aunty Moira, any news? Your granny came to see me on the Saturday
before you were born. We were sitting chatting & again she kept
saying we'll be sitting pulling our crackers together & all I
kept thinking was Oh no but your too early. I was actually hoping not
to see your mummy, again not out of badness just didn't want to rub
her nose in it that I was full term & faced (hopefully) no
complications while no-one knew what lay ahead for her or you.
On the Tuesday I was booked in to be
induced and ended up in the same ward as your mummy just around the
corner from her, after a day of delays, I finally managed to pop
round & see her & she was holding up ok, just really worried
& unsure what the next few hours/days would hold for her &
you. Your daddy was shattered too, he was running back & forward
between work, home & hospital.
On the Wednesday morning your mummy
text me to say that she was going down for her checks & would pop
into see me on her way back to her room. She came to see me &
looked terrified & said it looks like our babies will be born on
the same day as she was having a section that afternoon after 2pm but
she asked me not to say to anyone back home until she knew that
everything was ok with you. We text most of the day back &
forward but then I heard nothing from her. Was she still in her room?
Was she is theatre? Had you been born? The waiting was horrible.
I eventually got moved to the labour
suite at 8pm but couldn’t stop thinking about you, your mummy &
your daddy. What was happening? Were you all ok? The mid wife kept
telling me to put my phone down & concentrate on my own labour
but I couldn't. I needed to know you were all ok. I finally got
that text at 11.25 saying you were born crying, I cried for you, for
your mummy & for your daddy. We knew it would be a struggle for
you etc but you were here & safe & that was the best news. I
then put down my phone & concentrated on my own labour after that
:)
Ollie was born just over 3 hours later
& I text your mummy straight away to let her know you were a big
cousin at only a few hours old. I got a text from your mummy just
after 7 I think apologising, she was so caught up in the arrival of
you that she told everyone on FB about Ollie before me. I didn't
bother though, your mummy had every right to feel the way she did, as
she had waited long enough for that moment.
Over the next few days, your mummy &
daddy spent every second they could visiting you. I was in the same
hospital but unfortunately I wasn't allowed to meet you yet. I kept
popping along to see your mummy & she would be using her milking
machine, giving you the best right from the start. I have attached a
picture of her that I took so you can see how happy she was doing
that for you.
Over the next few weeks I'd hear how
well you were doing from aunty Moira, aunty Fiona or when I text your
mummy. You were being so brave & strong, a right little fighter.
It's no wonder you earned your nickname of mummies little Super hero
as that is exactly what you were.
You eventually got home, way earlier
than anyone expected, how fantastic! Your mummy didn't want people to
come to visit you for the first week, to give family & the
professional’s time to visit you but said we were welcome to come &
meet you the next week. It was arranged that we were coming to meet
you on the Mon or Tuesday night, sadly you were rushed back into
hospital by then so sadly I never got my chance to give you that
cuddle I had been so eagerly waiting to give you.
Over the next few weeks I never text
your mummy much as your granny was updating aunty Moira & she was
letting everyone know how you were. I talked about you all the time
to Ollie, how special you were & how brave you were being in
hospital. I remember Ollie got his 1st set of jags & he had a
reaction & cried for hours. I sat holding him & the tears
were flooding down my face, I couldn't stop crying, not for Ollie but
for you & for your mummy. It was only his jags that made him
unwell for a few hours but what you had already gone through &
were still to go through was heart-breaking. Also, your poor mummy, I
felt helpless as I couldn't stop his pain for they few hours, what
must your mummy be going through? Having witnessed everything she had
up until that point. Every time I thought of you both the tears would
flow again.
This happened regularly over the next
few weeks. I could be sitting feeding him & would cry as you were
both robbed of that chance to experience that. When putting him down
to sleep at night in his own bed, your mummy & daddy only got the
chance to do that for a week. When he was lying on his play mat, all
you were getting to lie on was your cot. There were loads of times &
every time it was the same, uncontrollable tears for you & your
mummy.
As I’ve said already, I didn't often
text your mummy as she had enough to deal with, as long as your
granny was passing on my thoughts that was all that mattered but this
day I got up & couldn't get myself motivated or dressed &
felt I had to text your mummy to see how her little Super Hero was
doing? It was the 2nd April, you were away having your CT scan. Your
mummy was being so positive, you were super human as she said, still
struggling on after every ting you had been through. By that time you
had been through more in your tiny little life than most people go
through in a life time. I was telling your mummy how I couldn't wait
until you were better so I could finally get my cuddle.
The next day your aunty Moira came to
see me to tell me the devastating news. How could this be, your mummy
was just telling me the day before how well you were doing. There
must be a mistake, there has to be. I like most of the family were
numb the whole day. Praying for a miracle. Your Uncle James sister
went to Chapel & lit a candle for you & said a prayer too.
Everyone was so touched by your bravery so far, there had to be
something they could do, there just had to be.
I was asked to drive up to your
grannies the following day with your aunty Moira’s Christening robe
as your mummy & daddy wanted you baptised as soon as they could.
It was so sad handing it over to your granny, as it shouldn't have
been happening. I truly do not know how I managed to drive home as I
could not see through the tears.
On the Thursday, again I cried &
held Ollie so close the whole day. You, your mummy & your daddy
should not be going through this. You were a fighter, you were a
Super Hero, and there must be something they can do?
On the Friday morning about 5am, I woke
& picked Ollie up out his bed, I don't know why I did this as I
had never done it before but I just needed him close to me. Uncle
James was going to put him back in his bed when he went to work but I
wouldn't let him, I couldn't explain it, I just needed him close.
When you aunty Moira called to give me the devastating news I went
numb, Why? Why? Why? Life is so unfair.
Your aunty Moira wanted to be with your
granny that day, especially after the news of what had happened to
your poor granddad. Uncle James came home from his work early & I
drove aunty Moira up to sit with granny & ended up sitting myself
for about 2-3 hours. Your granny needed the company & support
too.
The following day, we got a text saying
we were all welcome at the parlour to say our goodbyes to you. How
could I say goodbye when I hadn’t even had the chance to say hello.
I wanted to come & see you but I was terrified at the same time.
It shouldn't be happening, how could I see your mummy again when the
last time I saw her was when both our boys were born? I'm glad I had
the chance to come & meet you. You were perfect. Absolutely
perfect. Again I found myself asking why? Why? Why?
I went home & Ollie was supposed to
be going into his own room that night but I couldn't, how could I
leave him in another room all night when all I could think about was
you & how precious you both were? From that night on & every
night until I started to put him down awake I would put him down
asleep, kiss his cheek & stand & watch him for a second,
remembering you lying in your mosses basket, so peaceful, so
beautiful.
Your funeral was so sad & moving.
Your mummy & daddy being so brave, how they got through the day
never mind the service I'll never know. They have been through more
than any mummy & daddy should go through. Life truly isn't fair.
Since then I have been very conscious &
very aware of how your mummy must be feeling & have tried so hard
to protect her from as much as I can but I’m sure I’ve slipped up
along the way & upset her not meaning too, I hope you were close
to comfort her if I did.
As you know I speak about you most days
to Ollie, it is very important to me that he grows up knowing all
about his brave big cousin. I haven't managed to get the photo of you
printed yet but I know now what one I'm going to. The one of you
wearing your Mr Strong outfit as that was a truly fitting outfit for
you. I have a frame here for it & I'll need to speak to your
mummy as I meant to ask that if she had any moulds left, I would like
one to put beside your photo.
Because of what happened to you in your
little brave life, it has changed the way I brought up Ollie from the
way I brought up Trudie & Kieran. I'm not saying that I took
Trudie & Kieran for granted but to a certain extent I took their
health & their presence for granted, this was what happened to
everyone I thought. How wrong could I be? Loosing you Haydon has made
me realise that life is so precious & babies are gifts &
nothing can be taken for granted.
I decided not to go back to work again
because of you, I never actually felt strong enough to put Ollie
through to his own room until 2 weeks ago, again because of you &
as you know I found out recently that I was pregnant again, I was in
shock for days, I couldn't get my head around it. Your uncle James
said to me, Whatever you want to do I'll support you, as soon as the
words were out his mouth straight away I said, there is no decision
to make, Haydon didn't go through all he went through for me to do
something about this, life is too precious. He said good as I was
thinking the same. This will carry on forever, you having an impact
on my decisions.
You truly were a Super Hero who touched
each & every one of us in a different way. I know you've been
dropping by to tell us you are close, please keep on showing us signs
as it’s such a comfort to know you are still around. Sleep tight
angel xxxxxxxxxxx
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