You would assume that being newly bereaved, I would be so deep in my own grief that I wouldn't be able to see past my own loss, or able to support other baby-lost parents. This is far from true. The opposite in fact.
I have a heightened awareness of others in their grief, I have a heightened knowledge of what would hurt and what wouldn't, I have a heightened empathy when they have a bad experience or a bad day, because I have them too. I feel their hurt, I gasp at the insensitivity of others, I feel the horror and prickle of hairs on the back of my neck when someone speaks or acts without thinking, and I feel the anger that there are people in their worlds too that just don't understand, or try to.
We are all in this 'club' together. This club that none of us wanted to join. This daily grind that we can't ever find escape from. This exclusive and protective club, where we all look out for each other, and speak out for our baby-lost friends when they don't have the strength or emotional energy to argue or react that day. We all do it, it is part of the new 'us', being baby-lost. We know the agony and we try and help each other.
I am thankful for their support, because they have supported me too, and have spoken out for me when I've not been strong enough some days.
I know their 'mask' becomes too heavy to hold some days. I know when their 'mask' has slipped down exposing the hurt and agony that never leaves them daily. I know that they would give anything, yes anything, to have their child back in their arms, where they should be.
I know that every day the 'mask' is wiped clean and put back on. These Baby-lost parents slot it in place so they can face another day. I know this because I am learning to do this too.
I am also learning that this feeling of loss will never leave me, or them. I have learned already over the last 12 weeks that the 'need' to hold your child never leaves you. The 'want' to have your child beside you, to see them grown, never diminishes. The 'grip' of grief will be with us long term, we will never 'accept' what has happened to us, we will never 'move on' or 'make sense' of our baby loss, because this is not how things should have happened. We will never 'get over' the day our babies became angels, those moments will be replayed over and over in our minds, we won't forget a single detail about those days. All we can do is try and put that 'mask' back on. Some days it is less of a 'challenge' than others, I won't say it is 'easier' some days, because this is never easy, even on a better day.
When I see or hear of other Baby-lost Parents being upset with the world, I can place myself in their shoes and I know how they feel. I wish i didn't know this loss, but I do. When they say they hurt, I know this hurt. When they say they miss their child, I know this missing feeling too. When they have an experience that rocks them to the core, I cry for them, because I have experienced this too.
I know the overwhelming feeling of loss and how it can make you think of doing crazy things. It can chew you up and leave you so broken, you are useless for the rest of that day, maybe even the day after. When we exert ourselves and show 'strength' we suffer for it the next day because we have spent all of our emotions being that 'strong'. Sometimes I sit in horror and can't believe that people, mostly those who haven't lost a child, can be so cruel or thoughtless, tactless or disrespectful. I feel their agony. I feel their anger. I feel their loss.
We can only be strong for so long in a day, any day, any hour. It doesn't take much to break us.
The World Is Not Kind To Baby-Lost Parents
Get out of bed and turn on the TV - you see adverts for baby lotion, the same stuff you bought to use on your child. You can smell it in your mind because it has become a precious memory, a moment.
There are more adverts on tv for nappy-rash creams, nappies, baby foods, pregnancy vitamins...you name it - it's all there.
Then there's TV shows like Jeremy Kyle, full of people who don't appreciate their precious gift, or other tv shows that have baby articles and features to discuss.
Then you go out to the shop or work or hospital appointments or anywhere really, and all the papers or magazines on display have articles announcing pregnancy, or a birth, or the planning of a pregnancy. Or photographs of someone happy with a bump.
You may walk down the street avoiding the sight of buggies and prams, because not only do those prams contain babies who may be the same age as your baby would be, but the pram may be similar or the same to the one you had bought. the one you can't use, or the one you had to take back to the shop.
You go to the supermarket, and this is one of my hardest places, because there are baby products everywhere, baby clothes like the ones you have been given or would have bought, there's maternity clothing like the stuff you used to wear, there's weaning foods and baby milk, and often baby chairs and toys, there's babies being carried around in car seats, or pushed in trollies, there's people gooing and gushing over a baby in someone's arms, there's people with their protective hand on their bump. there's so many reminders in supermarkets. No wonder so many of us shop online.
Then you meet friends and family, or even people who stop you in the street for a chat. There's always the chatter about how old someone's child is, or what you have bought recently for your child or someone else's, or you hear who is expecting, or who has just given birth, or who is planning a next pregnancy, or a first pregnancy, or you are included in conversations about scans, and you may be offered scan pictures to look at, you are part of these conversations and the entire time you are thinking about your child.
What age they would be. What you would be buying. What you have at home and can't use, or took back to the shop. You might even wonder who would have babsat your child for you to go out, or how you would celebrate their birthday, you hurt that you won't reach milestones like starting nursery or school, or going to the dentist, or the hairdressers, or even nurse your child through ailments. We wanted our children to reach 18, or 21, or 30, and even 40.
We may put on a smile, and chatter back. But then we go home and we feel the nettle stings all day.
Our children become invisible, almost forgotten, when these conversations happen. We can be strong for so long, then we break. But we may not breakdown in front of you.
If there's a family celebration, we will be happy for the person who is celebrating, of course we will be. But we may hurt that our 'little person' is missing, they should be there. We may not be able to stay the whole celebration, we may not even have the strength to go at all. We may not dance like we used to, or laugh like we used to. We miss the carefree people that we once were.
We will try our best, because that is all we can do.
There are reminders of our babies everywhere. We are now exposed and vulnerable. We will be reminded of our loss everyday. We will try to cope, everyday.
But we might not tell you how we are, what we are thinking, or what we are feeling.
Because most days, as well as protecting our baby-lost friends from their hurt, we are also protecting You from ours.
But there will always be days when our 'mask' becomes too heavy to hold. We don't need a trigger. We don't need a new reason. Our babies are the reason we hurt, and they always will be. We have reason enough.
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