3 Months = 13 weeks, on a Friday. Why.

Well Bubba,
Today is a triple whammy...it has been 3 months since you left us.  It is exactly 13 weeks.  Today is a Friday.

Mummy hates the idea of 3 months without you, not having you in her arms to hold, not having you there to kiss and comfort, not having you in my life.  I have you in my heart, but it isn't the same.
Being a Friday makes this day even more difficult. Mummy hates Fridays at any time, but far worse when it is a 3 month milestone.  Any milestone.
I have cried so much for you my baby boy.  Mummy is questioning so much.  Aunty Bev says this is all normal, so do the Mummies of your angel friends.  They are probably right, because this is the advice I would give to others.  I just don't like feeling this way, missing you, hurting for you.  I miss you.


Questions

I replay your journey all the time, it never leaves me.  Even when I'm busy I am still re-living every detail of your life, your journey, but most of all your suffering.

Did I comfort you enough?
Did I hold you enough?
Did you know that I loved you absolutely and completely?
Did I make your days interesting enough?
Did I distract you well enough from the treatments you were getting?
Did I ever let you down?
I know I couldn't have been with you any longer in a day that I was.  But I really do hope that you got every thing that you needed from me Haydon xxx You were my world.  My miracle.

Did the hospitals do enough?
I still question that, the middle hospital, I will keep questioning that until I am satisfied with the answers.

Did you hurt as much as we thought you did?
Did you know we were there? at the very end? did you know we were bleeding in our souls when you left?

Will I ever start to feel better without you?
Will I be able to live my life, surrounded by other people's children, hearing stories about other people's children, seeing people create a new life with a new life, will I ever be able to hold a child in my arms again, will I ever stop wishing that you could be here?
Will Daddy be ok?
Will Mummy be ok?

The biggest question Haydon, the biggest one that noone can answer.

Why?  Why?  Why?  WHY?

Why :-(

Mummy misses you and loves you, today and everyday.  She just does bubba, and she's sure she always will <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3