It has been a few days since I wrote to you Haydon. Mummy has been pretty busy organising things for your sponsored walk, and the buffet for afterwards. Mummy has also been baking for Aunty Cheryl's birthday, and has also made a cake for grandad's 60th birthday.
Yesterday was hard at your walk bubba, but Mummy was very brave. Mummy and Daddy were both upset in the morning when we got up. Remembering you. Missing you. Wanting you with us. There wouldn't have been a walk at all if you weren't an angel.
But eventually Mummy got up and got herself ready for people arriving. Daddy was very quiet, all day he was quiet. Mummy was worried about him. He wasn't able to welcome everyone back in from the walk but Mummy didn't put any pressure on him because he was having a hard day too. She cheered everyone in when they arrived back from the walk, and gave everyone juice and biscuits at the finish line. There were hard times mixed in, but Mummy kept herself strong.
Mummy was crying when people were arriving, we are so touched and humbled that so many people wanted to walk for you. Some of these people didn't meet you. But, you still touched their hearts.
It looks like there will be an awful lot of money gathered up for your Foundation. That means a LOT of families being helped, because of you, and all the kindness from people.
When Mummy was standing at the Bowling Club waiting for people to arrive, she was thinking bubba. She was thinking that some days are so horrible and Mummy doesn't cope with them at all, but she also acknowledged that some days Mummy is a version of happy. Not truly happy like when she had you, but a quieter happiness, a kind that still has a sadness running through it, but not so sore that Mummy can't find some smiles. Mummy did smile a bit yesterday. Mummy came home thinking that some days might be easier to cope with if there is a 'quiet happiness with a not-so-sore sadness' running through it. I am hoping anyway.
Daddy has been really upset about you though bubba. He is missing you very much just now, and Mummy is trying her best to look after him and help him when he's upset. She loves your 'favourite hairy face' so much, so she will make sure he is ok. Mummy loves Daddy as much as you did, or maybe not because you really spoiled him with your love xxxxx
Today has been a weird day. Mummy had a rough morning, but then had to get herself ready for hospital. She still doesn't have better kidneys since having you, but her bloods could have been a lot worse, so Mummy was pleased about that. The doctors at the hospital were so kind and said they understood how hard things were just now, and said to Mummy that even just taking her insulin at the moment is a good thing. They don't expect anything else. They know Mummy is sad and they know that everyday is a battle.
The hardest part was when the nurse put a pillow under Mummy's arm to take her blood, because getting that cushion under my arm made me remember that was how I used to get the pillow ready for you to come for a cuddle. Mummy used to place the cushion like that so you would be comfy. Mummy cried. But the nurse was lovely and gave Mummy some tissues, because Joan (Mummy's own nurse) had already told her about you and she understood why Mummy was finding the hospital hard.
Mummy was honest with the doctors and told them that there are still quite a few days where she wishes she would just sleep away, so she can be with you again. But she told the doctors that there aren't as many of those days like before, but there is still a lot of days when Mummy can't get out of bed easily, or just sits on the sofa and thinks and thinks for hours. The doctor said that was 'normal' and that Mummy should expect to have feelings like that for a very long time.
They told Mummy that it will take a very long time to start seeing better days. So many people say that. They say time will help everything. I don't believe it really, but I need to try. Daddy needs me to try.
Mummy realised today when she was thinking on the bus, and at the hospital, that grief makes some people uncomfortable. Mummy realised that some people wish that she was better because they get upset hearing that she is still sad. They want to feel better. She realised that some people are not as patient with her as they were before, but it has only been 11 weeks. That isn't a long time for 'grief' to be passed for you bubba. Mummy knows who is still there supporting her on bad days, and who isn't around as much, or at all. Mummy realised that some of these people don't really want to comment about you now, or will avoid you in a conversation. Because to them it is more comfortable to not talk about you.
But Mummy reached another conclusion about all of this. She doesn't care. She really doesn't care bubba. Because if these people had lost their child she knows that it would be different, they would be grieving just as badly as Mummy and Daddy are, and regardless of anything Mummy would know that their world would have gone bad, and even though these people don't 'get it', she would still try to help. Because Mummy knows now that there is no other grief as sore as this one. There never will be another grief as sore as this one.
Thank god not many people need to learn this, but its totally rubbish and unfair that Daddy and I did.
No matter what Haydon- even if people aren't very comfortable, we will never stop mentioning you, our life with you, our love for you, or how much we miss you. That is not something that Mummy and Daddy could ever do. Even if the whole world felt uncomfortable with it. We can't. Ever. Because to not talk about you would make our world too uncomfortable to cope with,
Mummy told one of her old friends that she wasn't adding her to facebook as a friend because all of her baby updates and baby photographs are too much to cope with right now. Mummy explained that she won't add more people and then have to hide their status updates, there is no point in doing that. Mummy had to be honest. But her old friend understood this. Mummy hopes that if others felt this way, and felt uncomfortable around her grief that they would just be honest with her. There's no point adding Mummy as a friend, if they end up hiding her status updates either.
Mummy took up a present to your forever bed today from Alan, your cousin. It is a little piglet and he has blue ears. Aunty Elinor said that Alan wanted to give you one of his favourite toys as a present. Mummy told them it was very kind xxx
Your special pal, your big cousin Kevin did so well yesterday. He started off the walk for you, and he coped so well with it. he was looking very happy and was chatting with Mummy lots. Kevin told Mummy that he loved her. Mummy told Kevin that she loves him too, she just does. Kevin is one of the people in the world who have a very special place all of their own in Mummy's heart. I think Kevin knows this, and I think you did too because you used to really enjoy Kevin coming to visit you xxxxxx Mummy was so proud of Kevin yesterday. I know you would be so proud too.
Tomorrow is a SANDS day. Mummy will be speaking to Ruth all about you again. Mummy doesn't know how much it is helping, but it must because some days Mummy can see the sunshine, and not just the rain.
Mummy misses you more than i have words for Haydon. Mummy's emotions are all tired after 2 days of being so strong. Mummy's heart bleeds for you baby boy xxxxxxxxxxxxx her heart is so sore xxx
Mummy loves you so much, she just does. And so does dad xxxxxxxxxxx
Give Mummy a big cuddle in her dreams bubba. Because missing you altogether is sore xxxxx
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