My baby would have been 6 months old today, we would have celebrating lots of new things, we would have been making plans for weaning, he would have been starting his teething, he would have mastered rolling over, he would have been bearing weight on his legs, he would be happily chattering with everyone around us and curious about other babies.
I think about Haydon and he already had a lot of the social skills that a baby of that age has. He was forced to have those skills, he needed to be able to talk to us and tell us how he felt.
He already had his facial expressions, unique and individual, there was no mistaking his needs, or wants, his likes, and unfortunately his dislikes. We knew anger, and we knew joy, we knew frustration, sadness, and pain, but we knew love. We knew unconditional love. Because he showed us that every day.
Regardless of all the painful and uncomfortable procedures that happened to him, he knew that we would never hurt him. He knew regardless of the time of day, we would be there for him, to fight for him, and with him. He was discriminatory of people at such a young age. Most babies aren't at that age, especially being so early. But he was.
Haydon showed us the greatest love that there is. And then we had to let him go.
This time 6 months ago I was carrying him around in my huge belly, fearing my doppler scan, knowing deep in my heart that today would be the day. Knowing I felt unwell, knowing that they would deliver my baby this day. Would he live? Would he fight? Would he cry? We begged him to do all of those things, and he did. He tried his best, for us.
But we don't always get what we wish for or what is best for us. I no longer take anything as a given or take things or people for granted. You don't know how much time you have with someone, so make every moment important.
I know the heartache and the pain, I know what it is like to live with grief. Not just for Haydon, but for my other children, for my best friend, for my grandparents, and aunts and uncles, for my childhood friends who for one reason or another had to leave.
I no longer take all this for granted. But to be honest I don't think I ever have. I have seen the vulnerability of life, I have twice in my life held my most treasured and loved people, my son and my best friend, and watched them leave this world. Twice I have helped to organise funerals for people that I would have given my life for. Life is cruel and it is unfair.
I have no time for petty arguments or selfish attitudes, why waste so much time. I will keep those that I cherish close to my heart, because I will know how much they are valued. I will know that those moments are precious.
You can't get back time. I know because I've begged for it, and I've cried for it. I've wanted nothing else. And when I couldn't have it - I wanted time to stop, for me. I wanted time to stop. I still do at times. But I have people to cherish here too, and they need me.
I know the depth of sadness that drives you to that place, I know the overwhelming loss that swallows you up, and you are drowning. Every day you are drowning. I am still drowning.
I won't be buying balloons and streamers and celebrating your life Haydon. Because I haven't got used to the idea of not having you yet. I am struggling with my life, not having you in it. Eleven weeks isn't long enough to get used to that idea, or get used to that life.
You would have been 6 months old today. Daddy and I would have held you up high in the sky and celebrated you, we would have been the most devoted parents that a child could have. We would have been the most compassionate and caring Haydon, because we knew hurt and loss, we wanted you, we appreciated you. We loved you so much.
And now we miss you.
Daddy is feeling sad at work today bubba, go sit with him a while and let him feel your love xxxx He needs you too xxx he is feeling as miserable as the rain he is walking in.
I hope the angels are holding you tight especially just now because you will be hearing all this and know Mummy is crying. Mummy is missing you. Mummy wants you here, not there. Mummy wants to see you do lots of new things, but now you are learning them in heaven and I can't see you there doing them.
If only Haydon.............if only.
My perfect little gift. I miss you.
Mummy loved you bubba, she just does xxxxxxxxxxxx for forever, and a lifetime, and even beyond that xxxxxxxx
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