Well my beautiful bubba,
Mummy was brave today. She packed up her grief into the back-pack and she went to Tesco, and collected for SANDS. She stayed longer than was asked of her because time was going quite quickly, and Mummy felt useful. Aunty Cheryl and Aunty Bev went too, they stayed with Mummy and helped her to stay strong. The people who put money in the tins were so kind and generous. If the people didn't know about SANDS they asked, some other people shared their sad stories, and a couple of times Mummy shared hers. She kept that Grief bag so tightly packed, and she didn't cry or anything. Mummy will help them to collect again because so many people benefit from the donations, and babies who start off their lives like you did - they will too hopefully.
Then Mummy and Granny and Aunty Cheryl went up to your forever bed, we tidied up all of your flowers and took away some of the vases because you had too many, and we moved about your lights and all your gifts...it looks much better now. Mummies grief luggage was getting a bit heavier by this point in the day, but she kept going, she wanted your forever bed space to look nice.
You started rain bubba and granny said she was going to have words with you because she had asked you not to! Mummy laughed at that.
Mummy came home and did some house stuff, but then she had to stop because the tears that she had been holding in that bag all day came out in a big gushing whoosh that made her sore with crying. Mummy misses you so much bubba. Mummy wouldn't have been collecting for SANDS if you were with her bubba because she wouldn't have met those brave ladies. Mummy and Daddy wouldn't have holiday pictures, because we would have been having so much fun with you. We wouldn't have needed a holiday.
Some people have been speaking to Mummy and Daddy like the break away was a miracle cure for our grief. But as Mummy told Aunty Bev today, we took our grief luggage along with us and it was a heavy load especially to leave at the start, sometimes the zip would come undone and all the grief would spill out. It would land in the street if we were there, it would land all over the restaurant if we were there, sometimes it would land as Mummy was doing her hair to go out, or when Daddy was riding along on the bike, but one morning of our holiday it just all spilled out and covered both of us all over...we were covered in grief so much on that day that we didn't go out until 2pm in the afternoon. It was a 2 months grief which was very hard to deal with, a landmark that was hard to think about, and hard to get up and face the day with. But we tried, for you bubba and how strong you were, we tried. Mummy made daddy laugh with silly 'shortbread tin' songs that day on the way back from the Lighthouse, she spoke in silly voices and did silly walks...that was a hard grief day bubba. But we stuffed it back into the grief place at the end of the night, and we tried to enjoy the next day of our holiday because that was the last day of our holiday.
There wasn't any miracle cures on that trip away bubba. We came home with the same weight of grief luggage that we left with, except we also had some memories, photographs and souvenirs of being next to so many calm and soothing places.
The truth is bubba there is no miracle cure, there never will be. Mummy and Daddy have acknowledged that bit, we know we will walk around for the rest of our days with sadness in our hearts, even if we are smiling there will be sadness in our hearts. That grief luggage will be carried around with us for the rest of our days, it might seem lighter on some days and seem much heavier on others. This is a burden that we will have to carry, heavy or not, we don't have a choice.
People will say we are strong and we are brave for carrying that load all the time, but what choice do we have bubba. There is no choice, this is our lot. people say we are inspirations, but we don't see anything inspiring about us bubba because we are just trying to find a way through, a way to survive this.
Mummy felt very sad after she had her dinner because she went onto facebook to see how some people had enjoyed their days and to see how Aunty Sharon enjoyed her spooky night last night....but she was absolutely floored bubba. In many ways it felt like Mummy had been picked up and thrown across the room, bounced of all the walls, stood on, and then left in a crumpled and broken mess on the floor......because sometimes that's what grief feels like. Mummy will have to alter her settings bubba, she will need to get Jimi or Aunty Sharon to help me to make sure that I do it right. because some people don't think. they will never think. they are all about 'self' and no thinking about 'others'. Mummy struggles with that, and she doesn't want to get rid of her facebook again because there are some lovely people that she speaks to, people who are Knowers and Tryers.
Mummy will need to fix things so that some of the Blood Suckers and some of the Scab Pickers can't hurt her everyday, or every other day, or at all.
Mummy has cried so many tears while writing this blog. Mummy used all of her energy this morning, and now she can't hide her feelings. the grief bag has opened and mummy doesn't have the energy tonight to pick it all up from the floor.
mummy loves you baby boy, she just does, and she always will xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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