Hi Bubba,
I know I have spoken to you the whole time that I was away but I wanted to write here just to make sure that you heard me, heard us, because daddy spoke to you too xx
The time away on the bike was special and the hills and water were very soothing for mummy and daddy. you never left our minds for a second though, and sometimes we would cry, but daddy said that we weren't away to try to forget you and all that happened to you, we were just away to have a rest, and to try and feel a bit better.
Sometimes mummy was glad that noone knew about our sad hearts, but at other times when mummy and daddy were very quiet and having thinking times, and people were talking about their kids and their grandkids and people who were having babies...we wanted to tell them then, but we didn't. We were brave.
When the barmaid was telling mummy that she gets drunk so much quicker on boozy beer since having her baby, mummy said that the same has happened to her. Mummy felt a bit sad for not telling the lady more about you, but she didn't ask. Mummy felt happy that this lady saw her as a mummy and didn't ask lots of questions, and also felt relieved because she didn't want to be upset telling this stranger your story. I just wish you were still here bubba because I would have shown her your picture and told her about what you were doing now.
It's hard having an angel bubba because I am your mummy and I will love you forever, but not everyone would see things that way, especially if you aren't in my arms anymore :-(
it was 2 months and 1 day ago since we lost you. How on earth we have managed for all that time without you bubba we don't know :-(...it feels like we lost you yesterday, but it feels like I haven't held you since forever :-(
I miss you, I just do xxx
When we took trips away on the bike did you hear mummy telling you that she would have taken you to all of these places? The waterfalls, the sparkles on the water from the sun, the boats in the harbours, the sky at night, the ferries, the Balamory place, the animals, and the play parks. Mummy was telling you all about these things when travelling about on the bike, and she had big sobs sometimes, but I made sure that my tears were all wiped when I took my crash helmet off so noone could see that i'd been crying about you. Did you hear me singing to you too?...I am sure you heard me because you made the sun shine until we got home today xxxx
Mummy and daddy saw lots of nice things that we would have bought you....daddy really liked the baby skull and crossbones cushion xxx
Mummy and Daddy ate lots of nice food while we were away and visited some new places. We slept as well as we could, and had a couple of drinks in the sunshine - Tobermory was a very beautiful place (but Skye is still Mummy's favourite). The holiday went too quickly. Now we are back home to 'normal' life, and daddy will be back at work tomorrow. I don't like my 'normal' here without you bubba.
On our way home we popped up to your forever bed space and it is so busy with flowers and teddies and cherubs and poems and a candle....too many things for such a little space I think, so Mummy and Granny are going to go up and tidy it a little bit. Mummy will take away some of the old vases and make nicer spaces for your present vases. We are so happy that people are bringing you presents but we need to make them look prettier for you now. We are going to do this on the first sunny day that happens.
Mummy is going to go to bed now, because daddy is up early in the morning and she doesn't want to keep him awake.
Mummy loves you lots and lots and lots Haydon.
No matter where in the world that I ever go I will still miss you every second of the day.
Mummy knows now that its ok to miss you and cry for you and hurt for you.......and Mummy won't let anyone put pressure on her to think or feel otherwise.....you are my boy, my son, my angel....and I'll probably miss you forever my gorgeous bubba xxxxxxxxx you are in my heart, squeeze me tight xxx
mummy loves you, she just does bubba boy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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