Well my bubba,
here we go again,
on this constant roundabout of emotions and moods and feelings,
Mummy went into town today to get her phone repaired and although she wasn't in a great mood when she woke up, she went up town.
Mummy got on the bus with Aunty Cheryl, and headed into Edinburgh. Mummy didn't feel very brave today and actually dreaded anyone asking how I was feeling. I was lucky because noone did.
We got into town and the shop couldn't fix Mummy's phone, so me and Aunty Cheryl went for a look about the shops.
Mummy found a couple of t-shirts that she liked and got Aunty Cheryl some too, but then Mummy had a panic attack in the big clothes shop called Primark. There were buggies and babies all over the place. mummy and Aunty Cheryl decided to get the lift up to look about from the top of the shop, but 2 baby boys came into the lift area, Mummy couldn't breathe bubba. Then the Mummies started saying soothing things to the babies when in the lift and mummy felt her chest tighten and the scream build up in her throat. The lift was taking such a long time and Mummy was trying so hard not to listen and hear. The lift doors opened and Mummy just had to get out. But I couldn't get out because there was another baby boy in his buggy with his mummy waiting there. Mummy must have looked very rude because she had to push past all of those people and get away out of the way, far away from them.
It was terrible for Mummy, she couldn't go anywhere without seeing you, wanting to hear you, I saw a little chubby foot sticking out of a pram and mummy wanted to scream so loud for her baby.
These Mummies wouldn't understand how it is bubba, but this is how it is. When I get that 'needing' feeling, then Mummy just screams and screams and cries. Mummy can't do that in a shop. Mummy isn't ready to face the big world without you yet bubba.
That spoiled Mummy and Aunty Cheryls time up town after that. It made Mummy think of you so so so much, and when she went into the shop to buy her perfume she forgot to pick up her bank card, she was just in a rush after that to get home. It was too much :-(
Mummy has felt so sad since she got home. She didn't even want to spend much time at Papa's after that. Mummy had no words left to chat....just a big lump of emotions sitting in her throat for a private time.
I took flowers up to your forever bed with Granny. Your little space looks lovely again.
Mummy is going for a bath now and is going to bed. She really isn't feeling very brave or strong tonight.
Mummy doesn't know why people say that to her, she really doesn't. Can those people not see how my heart is broken and that I don't like my life and long days without you Haydon :-(
Mummy doesn't think she can do a forever like this baby :-( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy isn't strong. Mummy isn't brave. Mummy misses you too much.
I miss you sooooooooooooooooo much my darling boy xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I love you, I just do and you always knew that xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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