How do I explain?
How do you explain to someone what it feels like to lose your precious child? How do you explain to people how difficult it is to get up and continue with your life, almost like nothing has happened? How do you explain how it felt to see your child come into your world, and then hold them in your arms 15 weeks later while they leave it? How do you explain to anyone how much love you have for that little being, and how you begged for your soul to be taken instead of theirs? How do you describe the overwhelming feeling of desperation that you have when the doctor says nothing else can be done to save your child, when your child is still with you at that moment in time? How do you carry on the rest of your life watching others be a mummy to their children when your heart and arms are so empty? How can you form words when people say 'get over it', or 'it will get better', when you know already that your little person has made such a huge impact in your life and has left a gaping big hole in your heart and soul forever? How would they cope if it was their child, their beating heart and soul? How do you find the best answer to questions like 'do you have children'? How do you explain the heartbreak of choosing a headstone when you should be choosing nice new toys? How do you answer statements like 'you're so brave' and 'you're so strong', when you know that you cry throughout the day, scream for your child in bed at night, and close your eyes for each sleep hoping that someday soon you won't wake up so you can be with your child again? How do you answer soothing comments like 'he's up there looking down on you' and 'he's in the best place', when all I want is my boy, my sweet Haydon back here with me living the life he has been cheated out of? How do you explain to someone that losing your child is not the same as losing a pet? How do you explain that you know the difference in the depth of loss between a 5 week miscarriage and a 15 week child without sounding insensitive? How do you describe the agony of seeing your child suffer and face so many intrusive treatments and you can't do anything to ease their suffering? How do you tell people that daddy suffers everyday too? How do I get through the rest of my life without you bubba?........when i'm not sure that I can get through a day yet xxxxx
