It is exactly 1593 days, 7 hours, and 7 minutes since I held my son in my arms, still breathing, for the last time. I still count it. I still miss him, the biggest part of me.
How am I now?
I am still living my life in 3 main parts. Before Haydon, During Haydon, Since Haydon. But I now have another part that is developing and it is very subtle and subconscious. I call it my 'Evolution', I am ever changing, and often I am seeing something very different in me, parts I don't recognise. But also at times being caught off guard, and thrown, by huge differences in how some people are towards me at this point in my healing.
This week I should have been putting the finishing touches to my son's school uniform, I should have been polishing his shoes, ironing his uniform, getting his hair cut so he was beautifully smart on his first day of Primary 1.
Would I have enrolled him in the local Primary School, or would we have enrolled him at the School for additional needs? By this time in his life we would have a clear idea of the supports he would have needed, so that answer is something I will never get the comfort of knowing.
I just know I should have been making proud Mum posts on facebook about my grown up boy. I would be joining in with the proud photo shoots of others born at the time you were, all excited about this next stage. I should have been taking pictures to give to his Grannies and Grandads, and his Great Gran, and his Great Papa. Storing memories of a day that I would hold dear forever.
Instead I cry because I will never know it, or feel it, or see it.
I can only think it, and it is breaking my heart. <3
Mummy misses you so much Bubba. There is not a second passes where you aren't in my mind and I love you just as much as before, more in fact, because I replay all our moments and keep your image and memories of you as crystal clear as I can.
Because that is all I have. <3
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