"you're the strongest person I know"

Normally I censor who gets to read what I write to my boy.  Today though I have decided that I won't.  This is a true blog, a true journey, a true account of my life since my son left.  I remember when I started this blog, some bereaved Mums were telling me that my blog would benefit so many because they hadn't started writing until a year after their child had left, for me though it was an outlet from the very beginning.  A needed outlet.  A safe place to vent.  A secure place to be honest.   I won't hide this now, regardless what the reaction may be.

A few weeks ago I was in my long term friend's house and she said to me "you are the strongest person I know".

I reflected on this a lot since she spoke those words aloud.  Only a year ago those words would have irritated me and caused a row.  But today, A year and 5 months on...yes, I agree, I am strong.

I do not mean I get through a day without thinking about Haydon.  I do not mean that I get through a week without falling apart at some time or another.  What I refer to is being able to hold down a responsible and important job.  Being able to function to a fairly 'normal' capacity.  I don't give myself enough credit for that most days, but do you know what...that does take strength...an impossible amount of it...and for those who don't know how much or how it feels...you couldn't even imagine.

But, what I am finding is that I have a huge amount of pride in myself.  I have a huge amount of faith that I am managing, somehow.  I am finding my way, and it isn't easy most of the time.

Only today I was sitting in the bus having a normal conversation, on a normal bus journey to work, and I found myself defending my NEED for my son.  I heard an adopted Aunt tell me that her niece had given birth and was really struggling with the 4 hour feeds, through the night.  I heard myself say...I would saw off my limbs for that again.

She was concerned that she had upset me, she was anxious that she hadn't been sensitive.  I reassured her that I am accepting that this IS life.  This kind of thing WILL be said to me.  This kind of thing IS expected and normal for new parents...I was a new parent too...in a land far away.

What I have reflected on is that I am still easily broken.  Some things I can easily bounce back from, and others floor me.  I do feel there is an expectation that because I am now working, that means I must be better.  I do believe that most people see the smile but don't see the heartbreak and the 'missing him' behind my smile.  I do accept that for most people after a loss, life does start to move on and you do start to rebuild...for a bereaved parent though, you just learn to build up around it.

I have learned that I can silence a room with a comment.  I have also learned that some people want to hear my birth story with my son, and that has been precious, because most people don't ask me.  I am still learning to choose my company and conversations carefully.

I will no longer apologise if someone has been selfish and inconsiderate and has upset me...why should I? I am not in the wrong...they are.  I will continue to do what Massimo has told me to do..I will be honest...at the penalty of anything...because who apart from bereaved parents knows this life? truly?

I am one of the strongest people I know.

I get up for work and focus on days where my mind is trying to focus on my son....I manage this.

I socialise and am happysad at family events, when all I can think off is "where is my escape route if a younger baby comes in?"

I wake each morning and although most days I cry for Haydon, I get up, I dress, I wash, I care for myself.....I also care for others.

That takes real strength.  I know this now.

I am not strong, but I appear strong.  I am not brave but I appear brave.  I am not getting myself over him...because that is never possible.

But, what I am doing is living each day to the best of my ability.  I am laughing when I can laugh.  I am supporting when I can support.  I am carefree, when it is possible.

He has taught me many things but most of all he has taught me that love and parenting holds no boundaries......he is mine.  He will always be mine.   I will always want to be his Mummy.

I am strong for being able to say that I will not "forget" just to make my journey easier for others.

Massimo will be proud.

<3 <3 <3

Mummy loves you bubba, she just does <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxx