Child Loss Heartbreak

So, Child Lost Heartbreak, what is it?

It is walking to the cemetery at 2 in the morning to visit your child's grave, drop to your knees and cry, beg for your child to come back.

It is arguing with your child's father that they don't feel the same loss because they now react differently to your son's songs.

It is sitting in the middle of a busy hall while everyone talks about their family, without acknowledging that you have just lost yours.

It is having parents of multiple children telling you that one of their kids had survived early delivery, it is worth the risk.  When my child died and I do not think in any way that it is.

It is overhearing a conversation from in laws saying that they are trying for children, when your heart is breaking because you remember that excitement, those hopes, those dreams, that reality.

It is having friends tell you that they know someone else who is coping better without their child than you are.

It is hearing people 'joke' about their child going away and not coming back because they are hard work.

It is someone meaning well by telling you to sit in the sunshine to make things better after speaking and crying for an hour and a half about how hard it is to live without your child, because sunshine will not make that better.

It is trying to explain to people that losing my son is not like losing a pet.

It is trying to explain that my son was a living person, and not just an idea or a dream - he was here.

It is explaining to another parent that just because my son had to leave, it doesn't mean that I will ever act like he wasn't here.

It is seeing how you are when surrounded by company and realising that you don't even resemble the person you were before.

It is sitting up at night typing onto a computer about how horrible losing your child is, rather than going to bed and sleeping well.

It is begging to leave 1 year and 2 months after losing our child, because the world keeps revolving, even when you don't.


This is some examples of how it is.

Do not ever tell me I should be over it, better, or coping much more than I am, because I would ask any other parent how they would be.  And there is your answer.

I love you bubba, this has been a hard night.  This is a hard life.

I love you.  I just do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  <3