the stuck record...

Hey bubba,

Today has been an ok day on the most part......but tonight has been so hard.

when will this stuck record move onto the next verse?
when will this stuck record have a chorus that is worth waiting for?
when will this stuck record have an audience that fully understands why the loop keeps going round in this same place?

I am stuck.  I don't know how to be unstuck...although I try everything that the specialists tell me to...although I try my hardest to be satisfied with Daddy, and family....when will that be enough for me again....

I know I don't want another child...I just want you.
You made me, and then you destroyed me in one fell swoop.

and in amongst all of that...most importantly.....none of this is your fault......far from it.  This is all our fault for wanting you so much, wishing for you so much, cherishing you too much.  Granny once said that I loved you too much.  Our perfect little gift..how could I not.

I would dare anyone to lose their child and tell me that they are ok...that they can fully live again...that the sun still shines as bright...that the flowers hold as much colour as they did....that the world revolves and everything happens for a reason.

Bullshit.

It does not.  what possible reason could there be for this.  What logic could ever be applied to this.
What could be said or done to make this ok....ever again.

Daddy said tonight that he still worries about Mummy because her fire has gone out.

Yes it has.  I know it has.  I don't know how to relight it.

i am still asking for permission.  I am still asking Daddy if I can leave.  A year and 3 weeks down the line and I am still beggin him to let me go to.

What have I turned into.

I was always level headed.  Sensible.  Optimistic.
Not any more.

In the words of Alterbridge in their song 'Broken Wings'
Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

I was once told....if you wish for death long enough it will come.

So be it.

I can't pretend I'm ok 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Daddy told me tonight that he rode on a track bike with no helmet....my answer to him was...."you will end up on that mountain in your 'safe place' with Haydon if you do stuff like that...and I wouldn't be far behind".

People will read this and think I have lost the plot.  They feel I am a stuck record Haydon.

is she still banging on about that?

is she still a mess...she needs to pull herself together now.

A year...and I'm still the same.....but my mask usually sticks better so people don't know.....until the glue wears off.

I love you.  I didn't know what my life would have been like to have you, until you were here.  Then you left and I am empty.  So empty.  Nothing fills that Haydon shaped hole.....NOTHING.

I love you.  I just do.  For always. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx