Will Agony Become My Friend?

 
I wonder if this pain will end?
Will agony become my friend?
Will I stand up tall and have a smile?
Will time help soon, or be a while?
I've friends who've lost their child as well,
has time helped them? it's hard to tell..
I see them with their masks in place,
I see them laugh, a happy face,
I wonder if that will soon be me?
Will this heartache ease?
Will I break free?
Will I spend my life thinking of what's been?
how it all went wrong?
the things we seen?
I hope my life holds more for me?,
but through the woods its hard to see,
the clouds roll in, the sky is dark,
sorrow grips, grief left it's mark
Will I be defined now by my son?

can days get lighter? one by one?
I can't see through, there's no clear way,
I struggle on.  Time helps they say.

The clock is tick-tick-ticking round,
it means nothing now, it's only sound,
my days, they froze, came to a halt,
I can't kick-start, It's not his fault.
I miss him more than words can say,
I think about him every day,
I wonder how my boy would be,
would he look like Jim, or look like me?
Would he be standing up? crawling round?
throwing toys, a loud voice found?
I wonder if he'd still hold me tight?
keep me awake all through the night?
Would he still sook 'dummy' in his bed?
Would he still adore forever-ted?
I'll never know these things you see,
he wasn't allowed to stay with me,
but he's in my heart, all the time,
he always makes my poems rhyme.
My inspiration, the air I breath,
That didn't change, though he had to leave.

My blog is changing bubba.  It's not all about missing you quite as much, although I do miss you more than I could ever find the words for.  Mummy is trying to find ways to pick herself up and cope with not having you.  Mummy is starting to talk more about what she saw and what you had to go through.  Mummy is thinking more about the future and what she's going to do now, without you.  This is new.  I didn't look forward in any way at all before.  But each day she thinks about how she can get up and move...or try to.. more and more.

Mummy got a big fright when she went up to see your forever place at the cemetery yesterday and all the mess.  She cried, big sobs.  Your stuff was all in a pile on the grass, and some of your gifts had been broken.  The gardeners are getting ready to fit your forever stone in place and they weren't very gentle with your things.  Mummy was crying when she was telling Granny about you getting your stone in and all the mess.  Mummy was upset that you had been disturbed, and that all your belongings were just dumped in a mess like noone cares about you.  But we all care about you.  So Mummy tried her best to tidy it all up, but she wasn't in a good way when she came home.
She sent a message to your Daddy and your Grannies because she didn't want them to get a big fright when they went up and saw that there was a hole where all your gifts had been.  All your gifts are safe though, apart from the broken ones that Mummy will try and fix, everything that is yours in now sitting on Granny's forever space and she said you can use it until she needs to xxx
Granny K and Grandad K went up to see you today and took you flowers.  They said there's concrete in the hole at your forever-space now.  That means your forever-stone must be going in soon.  Your name will be on it.  Special words and special pictures will be on it.  I want to see it, but I don't want to see it.  I want you to have one, but I don't want you to have one.  I want people to see how much you are loved, but it will also show how much you are sadly missed.  Noone apart from people who have had to choose a forever stone for their child know how this feels Haydon.  I am sad you need a stone.  I am sad that you aren't with me and having me buy you toys and treats.  I am sad that I will see your name on a decorated block of marble. That isn't fair.  Not fair for you, or for Mummy and Daddy, or for your family.  We should be watching you growing big, not just watching the weeds grow at your forever space.  But you needed a forever-stone, and you told me you wanted one, so we sorted it for you.  It will be with you soon.

Days without you doesn't get easier, although Mummy is a bit more composed, a little bit more composed.  The Health Visitor said that to Mummy yesterday, she see's a change in Mummy.  Although Mummy doesn't know how she could see that, because she sobbed the whole time that Julie was in, and even Julie was crying.  But the professionals are saying that they see a bit of a change in Mummy, so maybe there is a difference.  Mummy see's a change in herself, some days, not every day or most days, but sometimes.
The missing you doesn't get easier.  You are still in my heart and in my mind every second of the day, just like you would be if you were still with me.  You are still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, I never can switch you off in my brain, and I don't want to ever switch you off.  I am a Mummy.  Your Mummy.  You will always be my son.  You will always be my first, my last and my everything, even if you are not in my arms every day.  You are in my heart everyday, and that will never change.  I just hope I learn to deal with missing you a bit better. 
I said that to Julie yesterday when she asked what it was really like, I told her that i carry you around like a back pack on my bag and some days that back pack is so heavy, but Mummy can't take it off.  She explained that some days it's a bit lighter, but it's always on my back.  I told Julie that I think of my back pack before I go to sleep, and that I sometimes think I'm going mad because I talk to my back pack', and I think of my back pack as soon as my eyes are open.  But Mummy thinks that this description helped Julie to understand.  Because Julie told Mummy that she sounds just like a 'normal' Mummy, who thinks about her child all the time.  Mummy said that is exactly what it's like.  You aren't here with me, but you are still here with me, all the time, just the same as when you were here with us.  Mummy still feels the same.  That hasn't changed, I don't think that will ever change.
Mummy cried when Julie said I would always be a Mummy, because you were mine.  Mummy said to her that not everyone will see things that way, because you aren't with me.  Mummy was making big noisy cries when telling Julie this, Mummy told her that not everyone will see that I am a parent as time passes, not when my son is in a cemetery.  To Mummy and Daddy you are still ours, and you always will be.  So if you're always our son forever more, then we will always be your Mummy and Daddy.  It makes sense to us.  It's not how we want things to be, but you will always be ours and we will always be looking after you and making things for you and tidying up your space for you, for always.  We still have a duty, as parents, to look after you and care for you.

Then Mummy went to The Art Group at sands today, Aunty Cheryl came too.  It was a nice session bubba.  Mummy enjoyed it, making a nice butterfly picture with the ladies and chatting about stuff. Mummy spoke more about her photo frame that she is going to make for you, and also about the christmas gift that Mummy and Aunty Cheryl, Aunty Kirsty and Aunty Paula are going to make for you.  Mummy is going to be very busy....and it is all for you.  I am happiest when making things for you, or doing something for you.

Daddy is in bed, so Mummy had better think about going too because Daddy isn't sleeping well either and if Mummy goes up too late he will wake up and stay up.  Try and stop the rain tomorrow bubba, cos Daddy was all soggy when he got in from his Postman job today and he was cold for a long time.

Mummy loves you so so much baby boy.  She just does.  But you know that, and you always knew that xxxxxxx <3 <3 kisses to heaven for my greatest love xxxxx catch them bubba! xxxx